The response we’ve gotten to our post has been unbelievable. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Here is a message from us. We recorded it yesterday, but in the hustle and bustle haven’t been able to post it until this morning.
And for the record, we never did get out to the pool yesterday. But it has been totally worth it. We can’t tell you how many messages of deep sentiment we’ve received, and how honored we are to be a part of this conversation in such a way.
We’re excited to answer some of questions we are getting in coming days.
We feel so much love for you all, and so loved by you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Josh and Lolly
<3
Amen to the heart! You guys are brave, HAPPY, and letting other people know that it is ok to be TRUE to yourself. No one can know your future. They can only know their past and present. Your future is up to YOU! You get to choose your path.
My phone cut me off. I wanted to finish by saying your path is you'd and yours alone. I am impressed that you are still best friends after all these years. Sadly, my husband and I cannot say the same. I don't have SSA but I don't have attraction to my husband anymore either. Marriage isn't only about sex. It is about making a commitment to be together forever. It is about creating a family unit. There is no right or wrong way to create a family unit (except the child molestors and kidnappers of the world). You are going to make your daughters proud of your courage. They will be grateful you are true to yourselves so they can be free to be true to them self. They are loved unconditionally. You both should be too. Keep on truckin. 😉 The road doesn't get any less bumpy but your car gets bigger tires and a bigger cargo area full of wisdom and LOVE. Cheers.
Your message resonates with so many people. Hopefully you are being lifted up during this stressful time by the countless people who love and support you.
What a terrific example of love and strength. I am honored to have read this post and feel you are inspired to share your story of love and courage.
So glad you guys faced the fear and did it anyway!
Ditto!
Hello,
I'm a contributing writer for Deseret Connect and KSL.com, and I'd love to write an article on the popularity of your post but only with you permission. Please email me at kanikkee@aol.com. You are both amazing.
Nicole Pollard
I thought you might enjoy this similar post 🙂
http://www.catholicsistas.com/2012/01/19/confessions-of-a-recovering-lesbian/
I think that on the surface, Josh's post seems similar to the post you linked; however, just under the surface, there are some profound differences:
Josh is not saying that his path is what other gay people should follow. He was at pains to be clear that this is his story and his choices and that he wants all Christians to extend love to all homosexual people, while turning away from any desire to try and prod them in one direction or another. Josh has been a champion for free choice and unconditional love.
I am so inspired by your post. Our book club is reading "Goodbye I Love You" by Carol Lynn Pearson and your post offers such promise and an alternative to the sad heartbreak of that story. It's such a testament to the fact that our happiness in life so affected by the way we respond to our challenges. I am so encouraged by your strength, your tenacity, and your willingness to make your story public. I'm sure you will encounter added struggles in the days ahead, but know that you are doing good by sharing! I am so encouraged to hear of your parents' love and acceptance. Thank you.
Phew, I saw this quick enough to get on the first page of comments! 🙂 Glad the love is being felt! You guys are awesome! Please, please, please go to the pool today! RIGHT NOW! If not for you then for me! Seriously, remember a tan does wonders…… 🙂
Thank goodness for Facebook or I would never have seen this blog. What an amazing story you shared. And I did read the entire post. You both have a lot to be proud of and are so generous to share your experience with the world. All I can say is WOW. I'm going to have to put you on my blog roll to keep up with your experiences. I hope many more people will be able to read this love story.
I too found the original post and this blog through a friend's post on Facebook and am so grateful that I did! I, of course, turned around and re-posted/linked your incredible story to my wall in hopes that it will reach my friends and family and remind them to "Do not condemn… Love. Only love."
I enjoyed your posts on this topic. I think society is so caught up on sexual attraction that they don't realize it's just one part of the picture. I'm posting this anonymously simply because I don't want everyone to know my story. No, I'm not gay. But for a variety of reasons and experiences I'm not sexually attracted to my husband. At all. And we have sex. And we're committed to our family. And although I'm attracted to men, I'm married so simply don't allow myself to look elsewhere–even though I'm not attracted physically to my husband. I wouldn't say I'm entirely fulfilled, but I trust that in the end things will work themselves out. Sounds naive, but that's the hope. I think when we start realizing that sexual attraction is, although important, only part of the picture, and we can have a happy life regardless, we can get a better, more realistic picture about what love and family really is. This only touches on part of my story, and I don't want to go into it, and this little comment doesn't begin to describe all I feel but I think it's important that people understand that sexual attraction isn't the be all and end all of life and the impetus of every decision. At least it shouldn't be. Anyway, your story is inspiring and beautiful. Thanks for sharing it.
Thank you for sharing, I feel the same struggle and conclusion, though I am working to change it
I am married for one year and I feel the same, but it is causing a lot of problems. I would love to speak with you more about how you were able to make your marriage work. Please contact me Moreillygreenbac@yahoo.com
I'm so glad that the responses to your post have been so positive! And congrats on your 10 year anniversary! I hope you can enjoy your vacation and I wish you and your family the best in the future. Thank you for being true to yourselves and for allowing us to join in your journey. 🙂
How fascinating, inspiring, courageous, and beautiful is your story!! I respect and am in awe of your commitment to live the gospel of Jesus Christ to the fullest, and for both of you and your incredible example of true, unconditional, Christ-like love.
I am LDS, and there is a member of my family who is a lesbian. I am very close to her and I have struggled with my own feelings about her choice to be involved with another woman. Your quote here really hit straight to my heart, "Love. Only love. Show your love in word and deed. Embrace them, both literally and figuratively. I promise they need it—and they need to feel like they can figure out this part of themselves in a safe way without ridicule and judgment. It’s what Christ would do. It’s what your loved one needs. Accept them. Love them. Genuinely and totally." Wow, I wiped away the tears as I read this. I realized that although I was not showing her my inner opposition and judgmental thoughts, I was nonetheless having them, and they needed to stop. "It's what Christ would do." That hit me like a ton of bricks. That phrase is going to be in my mind every day for the rest of my life if I can help it, to remind me and help me to guide my actions towards what Christ would do.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story of love and inspiration!!!!
I too, am LDS, and have a loved one who is Lesbian. The quote you mentioned also struck me as a personal message for me.
I'm LDS #3 (hehehe I had to, sorry), and have a family member who just came out as Bi this past new years. I was proud to be the first person in the family she told. It was a hard thing in the family, and I'm not happy with how many are dealing with it. I'm very proud to have always been a loving person in these specific topics with family and friends in my life. I was raised to love and found in many of my own home struggles in my marriage to LOVE. There was only one on earth that was perfect and we say we strive to be like him. It's sad that so many people loose sight of that when something like this comes up. I'm glad that I can be there for her and plan to share your story with her. I hope to help her feel better about, and find, her true self as you did. Your post has summed up how I felt and more and think it will help many people. I can say I am now hooked and will be following a blog for the first time ever. I hope you have a very blessed and fantastic anniversary together.
I can not thank you enough for sharing your story. My husband is a LDS Chaplain in the Army and currently deployed. I have temporary replaced my time spent with him with 8 other Army wives. We have grown so close we are now like sisters, and I being the only Mormon, a sister wife. (That is a JOKE, repeat, Mormons do not have sister wives!) We recently had some very real discussions on the issue of being gay. I have now directed them to your blog. It was clear and easy to understand and did a much better job than I ever could, especially since I am not gay. For me your time was an answer to a prayer, so thank you, thank you, thank you.
P.S. I came for the inspiration, staying for the humor. During your video I couldn't help but stare at your serial killer eye. 🙂
Yikes, I meant your TIMING was an answer, not like you did time. Sorry.
I cannot tell you how much your post meant to me. I have had two LDS homosexual friends commit suicide (one only a month ago), and I wish with all my heart that they had been able to read your blog. Your message is SUCH an important one. Have you considered submitting your blog to The Ensign for publication? I can only imagine how many other people out there need to hear your message about love and acceptance. Thank you again for sharing.
This makes me so sad! I am holding back tears. If you have other friends who are gay, please pass my message along to them:
Compassion & Controversy: A Message for Unconditional Love
http://reasonable-thought.blogspot.com/2012/06/compassion-controversy-message-for.html
I didn't know your blog existed until someone linked to yesterday's post on their blog.
Y'all are just fantastic. FANTASTIC. I keep trying to think of what to say to you to convey my feelings about what you said, but it all seems dumb (what I keep trying to say seems dumb, not what YOU said) so just thank you for speaking out for such a unicorn group of people 🙂 I'm not gay myself, but I have friends who are, including members of the church, so as a Mormon I tend to have a more…shall we say lenient? point of view on that whole thing. And I just think your approach to life is wonderful.
Intrigued by your story and interested in following other messages you have to share. Best wishes to your family. Always impressed when this kind of story is handled carefully, thoughtfully, lovingly, and you've really nurtured that environment.
I cannot begin to tell you how deeply touched I am by your post. Its refreshing to know that we are not the only LDS couple pushing through this issue. Last year,I came out to my husband to whom I have been married for 15 years. My relationship with him, as well as my Heavenly Father, has grown in ways I could have never imagined. While last year brought so much heartache, he has been so wonderfully supportive. Perhaps sometime, I can share my story with you, and eventually have the courage to share with others.
Thank you so very much for sharing and wish you all the very best!
To the Weeds,
First off, thank you so much for sharing your story. My wife and I saw your post last night, and have kept it up on our computer to follow the comments and the replies. We are amazed by your insight, your love, and the warm response from most of your readers. And really, it is difficult to not respond positively to you two. You are amazing. And not just for conquering your challenges, but then to share something like this to the world in hopes of helping a few while possibly having many others respond badly. Congrats.
Now, you said you would answer questions, and I have a question. I hope this doesn't come off rudely, I don't intend to hurt any feelings. I studied sociology, and there are some questions I have had for a long time without a great place to ask them. It seems to me that the number of people associated with LGTB groups is going up. There is evidence to support that there have always been people with same gender attraction, but it seems to me that the numbers have never been so high. So my questions: Do you agree that the numbers seem to be going up? If so do you have an opinion as to why? Many swear that people with same gender attraction are born that way, and others claim that it is not that way (maybe even just a decision). In my mind the truth is probably somewhere in between. What are your thoughts?
I would say to your question that there is much more sexual freedom now than there has ever been such that people can explore their sexuality and what they really want. AND it seems to me that our society is moving in the direction of accepting LGTBQ and it's becoming safer for them to come out. Not saying it's necessarly safe now but safer than it has ever been. With social networking and support groups on the rise people are feeling more comfortable and safer to explore their sexuality and have a support group in being Gay, Lesbian, Trans, Bi, Queer ect.
I don't know if the number is going up, or simply people are more open minded this days and come out easier than years before. As a gay man, i can totally tell you, this is not my choice! I am 38, am married, and all my life tried to find explanations to why am i this way? Born this way? no idea! Perhaps, things in the way i was raised influenced my sexuality? No idea. What i can tell you is this: i would do anything to make this gayness disappear from me( simply because i love my family), but it is not my power or a matter of simple choice. i am attracted to men, and that is a fact.
Thank you for that beautiful blog post, that the two of you have written. I agree with you whole heartedly that all you can do is love the person. I have a friend who shared with me that he was gay and that was my response to him, was that I love him no matter what and that he is my friend and nothing will change that. We are also LDS and what courage it took for him and for you to share this with the world. I also am a substance abuse counselor at a high school, and have many students come to me and disclose that they were gay. What courage these young people have! I hope to show them the love and acceptance that they need. May the two of you continue to feel the out pour of love, and that it overrides the negativity. happy anniversary and may the journey that you two share together continue with joy and happiness!
I divorced my husband of 10 years but our story is the same as yours. Because he feels so guilty about his sexuality it has affected our relationship as a married couple and his relationship with God. We recently agreed to get married again but I am interested in how you have managed to stay married and how a person can accept his own sexuality and still believe in the LDS relegion? Do you have guilt when you see someone you are attracted to and how do you handle it? Does your wife really feel loved and adequately fullfilled sexually? Please do tell. Sincerely, confused in Idaho
Dear Confused In Idaho
Your answers regarding the question of staying true to LDS belief, guilt and handling tempting thoughts are found in Josh's words under item 8.2. "Being gay does not mean you are a sinner or that you are evil. Sin is action, not temptation or attraction."
Hope this help.
dear anonymous, since you aren't Josh why don't you let him answer at some point.
You think he can answer everyone? It is written
so perfectly in his post why not read it?
Gay schmay. I just want to say that lolly looks hot!
Amen, sister!
I agree!! 🙂 Lolly is one hot momma!! 🙂
My brother had posted this blog on Facebook. I just wanted to say that I am so touched by your journey of real love and your journey regarding the Gospel. I am beyond words of gratitude for your openess, courage and insight. Thank you so much for choosing to share such a personal and intimate experience. I wish you were closer. I am trying to decide whether to ened a 20 year marriage and it has been such a difficult experience for me. I just wish I had someone I could talk to about all of it and how to come to the right choice for myself and my family. I think you both are amazing people…
Read, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. Results from 20+ years of case studies on the same families. Interesting and insightful. It's helped understand those I love who experienced it as children and as adults. Excellently written book.
Read "Getting the love you want" by Harvel Hendrix It is a great book on relationships and marriage.
I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being willing to share, share your experiences and share such a personal part of your lives to bring about such an important discussion. Also, I think I'll stick around, you're funny. And I can always use more humor in my life.
Thanks for adding your voice to the conversation. It takes courage! And you did it beautifully. God Bless!
I think the real winners here are Josh's parents. I remember hearing Rachel Maddow once say that she won the parent lottery, based on how accepting and encouraging her parents were. I'm glad to see that two people who clearly came from very different backgrounds and made different life choices (i.e., Josh and R.M.) both had such loving parents. It's really the crucial key in stories like both of theirs. Clearly Josh might not have landed as softly as he did without his folks, and it's paid them back in spades with beautiful grandkids and their son staying a Mormon. Cheers to them.
Thinking of you guys every minute.
Thinking of you guys every minute.
I cannot thank you two enough for what you have done… you are SO incredibly brave for opening your story & your lives to all of us. I have always believed in loving everyone for who they are- no matter their choices. And it's frustrating see how much hate there is in the world towards gays – especially from Christians. But, I still struggle knowing how I would handle the situation if I found out one of my children was homosexual. Thank you SO much for opening this discussion & helping understand & prepare for dealing with loved ones that must deal with this challenge. You are pioneers forging a path & opening a discussion that needs to be talked about! Your message of love is SO inspired and inspiring. I hope millions read your story… Because we all need to learn to LOVE one another unconditionally! Thank you, thank you…from the bottom of my heart!
I've been so touched by everything I've seen on your blog for the last 24 hours. Love you both. (And I love the little bottle of Tabasco sauce, too!)
Thanks so much for sharing your story. Our marriage's story is similar (we're not not Mormon, but we are religious), my husband is attracted to men but married to me. We discussed this before we were married. But we are not "out" to anyone. You've given me some hope that one day we might be able to be more open about this, which is something I would really like both because I know we could benefit from the support of our community and because we can serve as a witness to others who want to do this.
A hearty congrats on a thoughtful post and follow-up video. I read about each on a gay-centric news blog and appreciated the level of candor, integrity, fidelity, and love of God you all have shared. Brother Weed, God has given you the gift of a complex sexuality and an equally beautiful mind to navigate and embrace it with grace. And to Sister Weed, it's clear that, through you, God has given your husband a beautiful soulmate who possesses a heart that is both patient and kind. Your children are blessed to have amazing parents, of this I am certain. I hope to build my own family one day — though likely with another man — who shares the level of love, commitment, communication, and embrace of God's holy spirit that you all have created. May your path as a couple and as a family continue to be filled with love.
You two are super cute in your video. (:
I wanted to post to thank you for your message. You caused a great conversation between my wife and I about how we can have a better relationship. I had a question because I just graduated in counseling and you talked about your personal disclosure. I have been trying to figure out the balance of disclosure, have you had any negative experience in disclosing, what did you find to be the best balance. Also as a Mormon has that played into your disclosure, thanks again and best wishes for your family. God bless.
Thank you for sharing your story. I want to let you know that what you have shared has provided me with renewed hope. I am LDS man married to a woman who is aware of my same sex attraction. We have been struggling lately and I have not as yet been able to reconcile my same sex attraction and my religious beliefs and unconditional love for my wife. Your post has provided me with a perspective that rings true for me and has helped to re-center my faith and commitment to my family. From the bottom of my heart thank you for reminding me that I am not alone in my struggles and that I am justified in trying to maintain a healthy relationship with my wife in spite of my same sex attraction. You are great examples.
Get off the computer and celebrate your amazing 10 years!!!!!!!
If this blog had a "Like" button, I would click it for this comment.
thank you for your courage and candor in sharing your story. I am grateful for folks like you who are willing to share; as an older woman I have drastically changed my views in the past decade–largely due to people sharing their experiences/feelings. Now, on to another amazing decade of marriage for you two!
It is refreshing to hear people discuss their lives and their personal choices in such a measured fashion. Nowadays, it seems that we only hear the crazy, angry people who happen to shout the loudest about how they think others should live. By presenting yourself as complex and thoughtful people instead of defensive holier-than-thou crusaders, you have started a conversation that is really thought-provoking and smart. Thank you for being one of the few voices in this insane media-world talking in a rational and humble manner about sexuality. I don't understand faith or making decisions based on a religious understanding of the world, but I do understand compassion, diversity and love. Thank you guys for tipping the scale of public discourse in favor of civility and humanism.
Hear, hear! I think that (because of the eloquence and honestly in the post) everyone is responding to the SIMILARITIES they feel–the need for love and acceptance, personal sacrifice–rather than differences, and that is a beautiful, wonderful thing. Though we ARE different, with different viewpoints and opinions (I AM religious) :), we can treat each other with respect.
I agree too. It's so nice to be able to talk about this subject without feeling like someone will jump down your throat for saying or believing the wrong thing. This has been a great conversation to have and I hope we hear more of it. On another note, you two are teaching me what it really means to love another person as more than just a sexual object. It makes me want to be a better wife to my wonderful husband. Thank-you!!!
🙂 Is it lame that you guys have only been gone a few days and we miss you tons?? (Ok, your blog and all of this has made it feel like a lifetime since we talked)
P.S. Lolly, you seriously looked so pretty in your video! Now go enjoy your man and vacation!!
Thank you. I am LDS and I have always believed in Christ and loved my religion. Thank you for being so positive, and for encouraging others to be accepting and loving. I admire you both, and I admire your families. You are in a position to do a lot of good with this story. Thank you for being the shining light that you are.
Can you do a post about how to deal with the sadness that comes when an LDS sibling rejects the church to embrace the gay lifestyle? I want to keep a strong, loving relationship just so hard to know how sometimes.
you guys are amazing. your posts have brought me so much hope for people i know are struggling with this but are afraid to open up about it. thank you thank you!
Your blog is charming and really funny and I'm glad that I stumbled across it from the Gawker article. The love you have for each other is heartwarming and wonderful and I hope yo have many more happy and healthy years.
You two are just beautiful. A friend on Facebook posted yesterday's post and I found you and your wonderful message of love and hope. I'm a new follower too, and I look forward to your future posts. I am sending you love, support and joy your way!
You sister in the gospel,
Lisa
http://www.diaryofasquaretoothedgirl.blogspot.com
that would be *your*, not you…sheesh…I can't type on a Saturday…;)
Happy anniversary. 10 years is certainly something to applaud.
I did not read all the posts, but allow me to be somewhat in the minority here (at least of the ones I read). It is great to hear that you are able to recognize your weaknesses and resist temptation. That is a triumph in itself, and something to be proud of. However, I believe that the disposition to not do evil, not just the abstinence from evil, is what we should be striving for. That means that even tendencies to do wrong, whether they be homosexuality or kleptomania or whatever, should be things to continually strive to overcome, even in the absence of action on those impulse.
It appears to me that, while you do not practice it, homosexuality is something that you have accepted as part of your life. As a fellow active LDS man, I hope, in this life at least, you continue to strive towards perfection in all things.
*impulses
While I am not homosexual, I have many (MANY!) 🙂 "natural man" tendencies. I don't glory in them, and DO try to eradicate them, BUT I think that accepting that we are not perfect is an important part of life.
We all have to accept and acknowledge the temptations we have before we can decide how we're going to handle them.
Having never been in this position, I don't KNOW this for a fact, but I don't think that homosexuality is something you can be "cured" of. I think that, with our Father in Heaven and Christ's help, these burdens get easier, but I don't think they will just go away if you ignore them long enough.
I suffer from clinical depression, and I cannot help but apply it to your last paragraph (I tend to compare it to homosexuality anyway, to give me at least SOME basis for understanding). While I do not give in to my depression, I have HAD to accept it as part of my life. It is not something that I can ever "overcome", though I do my best to learn to cope with it.
I, too, am LDS (though a woman) :), and though I am a slow learner, I have come to understand that (though my intentions are the best!) it is not my place to correct others (ESPECIALLY because I have so many faults of my own!).
Thanks Kiley for your insights. There is one material difference I see, and that is that homosexuality is a sin and depression is not.
Thanks Kiley for your insights. There is a material difference I see: homosexuality is sinful whereas depression is not.
You two are both amazing and inspirational.
I hope that this type of truthful discussion about intimacy can help heterosexual individuals and couples in their relationships as well. Thank you.
Thank you for your post. My brother is gay and decided to declare it for himself after his 14 year marriage came to an end. He had kept this truth about himself hidden from all of his family including his exwife until after the divorce. He never acted on his attraction before or during his marriage. Many members of my family have had difficulty accepting all of who he is. This post is a wonderful resource we have to heal the wounds our expectations of him have left. Simply love…I pray everyone in my family will read and take to heart your story.
I have a question that is kind of off subject. By any chance did Lolly attend Ricks? And if she did, did she live in dorm 4? I think I might know you. Thanks for being brave and sharing this. I think it fills in a lot of gaps for people.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story. If you are still sitting in your room and not enjoying the sun, get out now. We will be here when you get back.
Mr. The Weed, you have truly incredible parents. They are not perfect, but they are prefect in their love. You also have an amazing and pretty wife. As I have read your blog it seems to me that you have quite a fun time together.
Thoughout my life I have had several people whom I am close to me (family included) come out of the closet. (Seriously, I'm a gay magnet.). I have felt sadness, fear, confusion, and most importantly love with all of them. I have be very saddened by the way some on both sides.of.the issue have been to one another. Your post has renewed my hope. Thank you. I look forward to reading many more post. (But please, don't go all serious on me.)
Josh and Lolly, Thankyou so much for sharing your story! We are so greatful for how the two of you have handled this challenge! You have given others hope that might this is not possible, but you have shown with the Lord it is! We love you and your courage and your beautiful family including (Stew & Shelly) great examples of how to love! You two are amazing and we wish you a very Happy 10th Anniversary! We hope you will be able to help many! Love, Wendell and Cindi Poulsen
Where to even begin. I stumbled across your blog from a friend who posted it on Facebook and while sitting at a dance competion waiting to watch my daughter dance I read your post in it's entirety and I was so overcome with emotion I actually had to get up and leave ( luckily my daughter didn't go on for another 30 min so I was able to compose myself and return before she came on stage) I was mostly overcome because it was the first time in my life I felt as if I wasn't alone in this struggle of same sex attraction and being a married Mormon. I am married to a wonderful man and I have two amazing daughters, I am active in the gospel and I have a very firm testimony of the truthfulness of it. Unlike you I have not had the courage to tell anyone about this. Not even my husband. It is a battle I have fought on my own with help from my heavenly father. (he is the only one I discuss it with) but it is a very lonely battle that is filled with a lot of guilt. I too wanted the traditional family and desired more than anything to be a mother. I love my husband, he is my truest friend and I will forever be happy being with him. I don't want any other life but I also hate hiding this part of who I am. Your courage to "come out" was so unbelievably inspiring. To know there are others out there dealing with the same things and making it work gives me hope. I will continue to follow your blog and pray that someday I can be as brave and courageous as you and your sweet wife are. Thanks for sharing your story!
Hello. As I read through these comments, I came across yours. I was just as overcome with emotion as you were in reading this blog. Last year, I came out to my husband. We've been married for over 15 years and have an 11 year old son. I assumed once I told him, everything would be over. I could've never imagined that our marriage and my faith would be strengthened through this process. I dont mean to say that this has not been a struggle. Alot of tears and heartache and decision making. A year later we are closer than ever. We sought counseling through LDS family services and that was the best decision we have ever made. Just wanted you to know, you are not alone. I've struggled my whole life and very few people in my life would suspect it. Anyway, could go on and on. But will tell you, I have been LDS all my life and do have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
You are not alone. I also told my husband that I was attracted to women. He asked me if I still wanted to be with him and I said yes because it was what I wanted more than anything. I feel like my experience helps me live a more intentioned life. As Josh says we cannot have everything and my intention is to keep what I have because I love my family.
WOW! That was the bravest bog post I have ever read. Being a faithful LDS woman I know why it took you so long to press the button. Thank you!!! So many lives will be blessed because of you two.
Obviously there is a lot of demand for real, respectful, and loving discussion on this topic. I hope your message will spread.
I have felt a strong desire to support gay members of the Church, but I have struggled with knowing how to do it in a way that does not encourage or justify immoral behavior, while at the same time not judging or patronizing or pitying. I also don't want to feel attacked for holding true to my own beliefs.
I have not felt like I could support some of the gay support groups because they still seem too polarizing or sex-centric or absolutely intolerant of people who don't completely accept their attitudes about homosexuality. I appreciate your willingness to understand and appreciate the perspectives of people (perhaps like my parents) whose upbringing and scripting may never allow them to understand your own.
I (and I'm sure many others) will be praying for the Spirit to guide you in what seems to have quickly become a very important role as a teacher and opinion former on this issue. Keep moving forward knowing the world needs you to, and we will support you.
Can I amen this response? I want to show love and support for members of the gay community, but inevitably that simply points out the (seemingly) lack of support and love I hold towards the gay community (in not actually condoning the behavior).
It's a frustrating situation all around. Frustrating for Christians wanting to uphold sacred basic principles, and frustrating for homosexuals unfamiliar or in disagreement with those principles.
Most often, it seems like NO response is better than a response of love and support with no ability, or desire, to back that up with action.
Amen to both of you. I think there is a very large portion of the LDS community that feels this way…we accept homosexual individuals, but how exactly do we go about expressing that within the bounds of our beliefs. I think it will become clear with discussions such as these.
Please email me with your email if you would. I have some deeply great info to share with you. I realize you may be busy, but I'd love to share my info with you. eppersom@yahoo.com thanks
First off you two are absolutely adorable! I watched this after reading the vomit romance story and the unicorn club blogposts. All I could think was, " Did she puke after posting that?" 🙂 I'm a 16 year old active Mormon girl. I'm not homosexual but the unicorn club post really touched me. I completely agree with how God loves his homosexual children as much as everyone else and all the stuff. For some reason it had been on my mind before reading all this. "Why can't we all just love everyone for who they are like Christ and God do?" constantly runs through my mind. I'm truly happy you posted this.
– McKinnon J 🙂 <3
I have a question, do you, Josh, feel angry sometimes that you have been dealt this hand? Do you wish that you were just attracted to women so you could still be happily married to your wife but not be attracted to men?
Thank you for helping me to fell loved that somebody cares. My wife does not know about my feelings but I hope someday I will be brave enough to tell her.
I've loved every Weed I've ever met and after being initiated into club unicorn and watching this video I love both of you too! Every time I'd see Josh smile I'd think of Chris and Jenni and had to smile too. I am so proud to know your family and be connected to this in a small way and spread the love. And Lolly you are absolutely beautiful in every way. I really mean that.
I appreciated very much how you said "It's bigger than I am." I just came from a church meeting and was left with that same impression and now I think that this cause of yours is bigger than you. I know both of you are up to the task ahead…it will only get bigger! And you'll both handle the upcoming pressures and challenges, ups and downs, and re-balancing act etc. with wisdom and humility. You're the family for the job 🙂
Love, support, and thanks!
Dear Josh and Lolly, I don't know you but I feel like I should know you. I saw your post on FB and am very very grateful that I finally read this… I have been struggling with the issue of ssa for over 30 years and would love to discuss this with you. I was wondering if you could personally email me and possibly set up a session. I live in Northern CA but would see how to work this out.
Thanks,
jrayfuller@gmail.com
I have been thinking about your post all day today. This subject has been on my mind a lot lately. I have a family member who recently opened up about their struggle with same sex attraction while being married to a wonderful person of the opposite sex. They have said they wish there was more support from the LDS church in knowing that they are not alone.
Kudos to Josh's parents. Wow! I'm so impressed. I'm sure Josh wouldn't be where he is now without all their love and support. And Lolli… choosing to marry a gay man. Not many women would choose that, but not many people are good enough of a person as you are. You are a beautiful person. I don't even know you guys but I love you both. You have a beautiful family!
Again guys – you say this is all about love – but what about your daughters?? Have you thought about them and the impact this will have on them? This is going to screw them up – their too young and fragile to be messing with this kind of stuff in a public forum. As I said in my other post – you don't have to share all your weaknesses with the world. Like I said – I've got tendencies – but I don't have to come out of the closet for everyone of them. Ok everyone – I like to steal, I would like to have sex with someone other then my wife, I'm attracted to other women then my wife. I would like to fantasize about this or that…come on – this is not the kind of stuff you share with other folks – but for whatever reason – because the "tendency" is homosexuality – society has made you think you need to share it. You Don't!! And it will impact you and your kids forever – all because of selfishness. I'm more worried about your kids and I don't even know you guys.
Their honesty will only benefit their children in the long run. Trying to keep it hidden will cause more problems. Coming from a background where I was required to keep everything a secret in my family, I nearly ended up taking my own life trying to keep it all inside. Sharing my weakness with others is what keeps me going and gives me purpose. It also helps others know that it is okay to talk about their struggles. I am grateful for the Weeds' openness, and their daughters will be too as they come to understand the situation. I would argue that sharing their story (which I do not see as a weakness) was one of the least selfish things they could do.
You really didn't need to read their post or even comment. Who are you to say their kids are going to be impacted in a negative way. You have no idea how they are parenting their children. Good grief. Bravo to the Weed's for choosing the right. I don't know them either, but have great respect for making the decisions they've made. No one wants to hear your negative comments. I don't think they did anything wrong. And just because he came out on a post, doesn't mean that is how his girls have or will have found out about their father. If anything, I'm sure the girls will learn to love people for who they are.
And btw, you didn't need to share that stuff about you wanting to have sex with other women. He never said anything like that. I feel badly for your wife.
Reading your comment made me think of a few friends I have who's parents came out. Actually, they are the most loving, self-assured people I know. I'm not just saying this to argue with you either. I think that the Weed children will actually benefit from knowing their parent's decisions, love and honesty. And from reading many of the comments on both posts, it looks like they have an amazing support group.
So to Josh and Lolly, I am sure that you have and maybe do worry about how this will affect your girls, but i give a vote of support and faith that you have done the right thing not only for yourself, but for them.
Thank you for living lives for each other and for others that prove you are anything but selfish.
Reading your comment made me think of a few friends I have who's parents came out. Actually, they are the most loving, self-assured people I know. I'm not just saying this to argue with you either. I think that the Weed children will actually benefit from knowing their parent's decisions, love and honesty. And from reading many of the comments on both posts, it looks like they have an amazing support group.
So to Josh and Lolly, I am sure that you have and maybe do worry about how this will affect your girls, but i give a vote of support and faith that you have done the right thing not only for yourself, but for them.
Thank you for living lives for each other and for others that prove you are anything but selfish.
On the one hand I can see how the influence "celebrity" can have on a child would be a concern to any decent parent. On the other hand for these little girls to see their father's correctly-set priorities can only be a blessing!!
From the little I have read on this blog, I am quite sure they have considered the impact this will have on their children. Josh said he decided to come out to the world because he was coming out to his clients struggling with same sex attaraction and could not control how that info might surface. I read that as "I could not control who might tell my family or how." I respect his decision to share that information to help others, and I believe this is the way he could most lovingly and honestly put it out there for the world — including his daughters. I cannot imagine that they will ever look to him with other than the deepest love and respect for being true to himself, them, and God.
I have struggled with same-sex attraction since I was ten years old, and I grew up in the LDS church. Your post gives me hope about finding true intimacy in a way that transcends what many would consider "being true to yourself." Reading through comments on your original post, I have noticed that some people have criticized you for not being true to yourself, and I am saddened that they are judging you without knowing what if feels like to be you. However, I am assured that you are confident and genuine in your happiness, and that no one "forced" you to adhere to your beliefs. I also felt your openness and love towards others – no matter what their beliefs. I am grateful that so many people are touched by your story, and I am glad you plan to respond to the difficult questions. To you and your incredible wife, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing what is so personal to so many.
I get it, I am a nice, open-minded person, i have kids and a same sex partner, yadda yadda. I think throughout the post and my following thoughts, I keep coming back to the ONE sad thing that SHE doesn't know what it is like to have a mate who looks at her naked and goes VAVOOM!
but when you get down to it, that is hardly something to give up what you all have got, for. Hell, she certainly must get leered at enough on the street to make up for it, HA
I'm female, and my partner and I both carried a child, we have two. So I get wanting the traditional thing, the biological child thing, and we were both SO fortunate, that we each got to be in both roles, what a blessing.
That you have a healthy, loving, emotional connection to each other, it doesn't have much of anything to do with sex, but the sex comes from that, and THAT, the connection, is really all that matters, the rest is just…fluff.
but my gaydar DOES ring with you, oh yes! 🙂
So glad to see you both so relieved and excited and energized by this huge step you have taken together! I found myself smiling with you as I watched…and then smiled even bigger when I saw the changes to the "Facts About The Weed" section. I'm so happy that you are not hiding that very important part of who you are–as individuals or as a couple. As a fellow counselor, I see this shift as something that can only lend more strength and credibility to your professional role, Josh…while we do not disclose all about ourselves as helping professionals, being able to work from a position of "this is who I am; this is how I work with my partner to make our relationship the foundation on which we build our life together" can only bring good in the end.
So glad you both are here!
You guys rock. My husband and I have been married two years and change now. I hope we're going as strong as you are when we hit 10. <3
Lolly- you have a pretty great husband. He has put his testimony and obedience to Father above other appetites, interests, and desires.. as he should.
If his devotion to obedience were the same, but his appetites, interests, and desires were about something else.. sports, alcohol, other women, porn, etc, would the response be the same?
That's really the only problem I have- people think this is so unusual.. and it shouldn't be, really. Putting Father- His commands and desire for His blessings- above other urges shouldn't be uncommon… but it is. Yes it is good that you two have chosen righteousness.. but it's sad that so many others haven't that it makes your decision remarkable.
Josh and Lolly, Thank you for sharing this!!! I found your blog from a friend who posted it on facebook, and it is an answer to my prayers for understanding. I am an active Mormon, and have struggled for understanding and reconciliation in our beliefs but also the commandment to love one another. Your post help me to better understand the challenge of homosexual attraction of someone who understands the Gospel. Thank you, thank you! I know it took a lot of courage on your part to share something so personal, and it has helped me immensely in my understanding. I will be following your blog, and saving this blog for future discussions with my own kids when they have questions about homosexuality as it relates to our understanding of the Gospel.
Hi Josh and Lolly. I read your blog post when it caught my eye on a friends FB page. I actually was friends with Lolly way back in Elementary school! (if she doesn't remember me, Aimee Reel, then I am lying and we weren't friends) 🙂 Thanks so much for your post, I thought it was beautiful. I am happy for you and admire your courage to bring this out in the open. You two are a great example of real love and having a good perspective for what is important in life. And also, thanks for sharing because I started reading Josh's other blog posts and I am now hooked! Wish I was a talented writer. Obviously I'm not because this comment is proof. 🙂 Anyway thanks again!
I have read through your post several times in the last couple days and I just want to say thank you! You have brought so much peace to my heart about this issue. I have struggled my whole life to reconcile my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ with the feelings that I have that people don't 'choose' to be gay. I've known individuals who are gay and LDS and they wished they could change themselves and sincerely tried to. In my heart I knew that there had to be more to it than 'just don't be gay,' because these individuals didn't want to be gay. My heart would ache for these people. I've read talk after talk from general authorities on this subject. Some have been very good and helped bring me peace, but I still struggled with the idea that someone who is gay would have to give up any chance of love and marriage if they wanted to live the gospel. Or they would have to lie to themselves about their real feelings and marry someone they didn't love. I can't thank you enough for what your story has helped clear up for me. Your words are so clear. The things you have said are things that I have felt in my heart but have been unable to put into words for others when discussing the subject of the Church and their stance on gay marriage. You have given me so much hope and I feel so much love for you and your wife. Please continue to share your story with the world. I believe your decision to share on this blog was inspired!
Lolly–I love the updated "About the Author" section! So cute!
I am a gay man living in New Orleans with my wonderful partner of 6 yrs. I am also from a conservative Christian family, and my paternal family emigrated to America in 1912 from the Ottoman Empire as Armenian converts to Mormonism. I have spent the past 5 years writing a novel based on their story and my own struggle with finding a place for myself.
Needless to say, your post stirred up a number of conflicting emotions in me as I have, over the years developed a very strong distaste for organized religions of any kind. For years I never mentioned Christianity or Christians without a note of spite and vitriol in my voice. They had done me great harm. My parents had sent me to a branch of Exodus International when I was 17 and I spent the subsequent decade in a state of suicidal depression, alcoholism, and sex addiction. It took me several years of counseling and antidepressants to overcome the psychological damage done.
Only recently have I begun to address my own biases and hatred in hopes of coming to terms with my religious past. I have no intention of ever returning to a church of any kind, and I do not believe in a Christian God, as such. However, I have come to understand the importance of healing and forgiveness, and while I have departed from the mythos of my childhood, I see no reason to part with a system of values that is Universal. Namely, Love.
So, while I cannot really fathom your decision to remain in a heterosexual relationship, I accept it. You are doing what brings you bliss and acting out of Love and that I can in no way fault. I have found a way to do the same in my own life and have finally found peace and contentment.
Thank you for expanding my knowledge of the Universe and forcing me to question my own biases a little more. People like you are the future of Christianity.
Much love!
I love your response. I want to be as loving, open minded and accepting as you.
I just want to say Thank you for your bravery. This blog is about LOVE..love of your church, each other, your families, and mankind. I have always said LOVE is the answer. The bible says "Judge not lest you be judged" I AM judging you and I judge you to be AWESOME!
Um…can I just say that I totally love you guys even though I don't know either of you and want to be your best friend? 🙂
The end.
You need to be a guest speaker at BYU and BYU Idaho. I thought your blog post was perfect and I automatically felt love and admiration for you and your family.
I could on forever about what I felt and thought about your blog post, OR I could simply say that it is an honor and a blast to read your blog.
{insert picture of a Man's hand giving a thumbs up}
P.S. Blue Man Group is still a thing?? Woah.
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer here, but…
I have a problem with any religion that would force a gay man into this situation. You can either marry a woman so you can have a life-long companion that you aren't sexually attracted to, or live your life single, lonely and celibate. Gee… tough call. Any God that would demand this of gay people (that he supposedly created) is unworthy of worship. Why create gay people in the first place if you want everyone to live a "heterosexual lifestyle"? Either God makes mistakes, or God is cruel. Take your pick.
This comment above really jumped out at me:
Cheri — I cannot tell you how much your post meant to me. I have had two LDS homosexual friends commit suicide (one only a month ago), and I wish with all my heart that they had been able to read your blog.
So Cheri thinks they'd still be alive if only they had pretended to be straight, and married someone they didn't love and weren't attracted to. Does anyone else see a problem with that scenario? Obviously, Josh and Lolly are more like Will & Grace, where they're friends, and they actually love each other. Of course, Grace ended up marrying a straight man, not Will. Go figure. Will found another gay man to spend his life with, and they adopted a baby. Go figure. I guess neither Will nor Grace had to "sacrifice" anything to live a genuine life. Perhaps that's a lesson that the church should think about, before more of Cheri's friends decide that they can't please their God anymore.
No, I don't believe that Cheri thinks they would still be alive if they only pretended to be straight. The point of what he is saying is really to love. I believe Cheri wanted her friends to know they are loved. Although I don't understand completely understand God's ways, I know they are loved by him, as are you.
David…your argument "either God makes mistakes, or God is cruel. Take your pick." Is fundamentally flawed. You nor anybody else is capable of painting our Heavenly Father into a corner like that. Of course God does NOT make mistakes, but by the same token, I challenge you to ask Josh if he feels that God is cruel??? Now, I do not know either of them, but from reading his blog, my suspicion is that you nor anybody else could ever convince him of the unfounded idea that our Heavenly Father is cruel. It appears to me that he has received blessing beyond measure and untold joy in this life and undoubtedly in the life to come, and he has done so by putting off the natural man (ie decisions that are not in line with God Plan) in lieu of making decisions that he knows our Heavenly Father would be happy with. This takes an extreme amount of faith and perseverance and he is reaping the rewards of those qualities that he has developed…remember…"Happiness is the object and design of our existence and will be the end thereof if we follow the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness and keeping all the commandments of God."-Joseph Smith. Your argument implies that a loving Heavenly Father would never place and real expectations on his people, which is completely false. He does love us and because he does love us (ie, he is NOT cruel), he has given us our agency (freedom of choice). Next to giving us our opportunity to have a body and live on this earth, that agency is one of the greatest gifts from our Heavenly Father. We are all born with different tendencies that if followed will lead us away from our Heavenly Father, those tendencies are the natural man that is in all of us. We have the freedom to choose to follow those tendencies and give into those desires or not. The thing that we can not chose is the consequences of those decisions and whether those consequences are immediate or eternal or both. The only sure way to find peace and happiness in this life and eternally is to make and keep covenants with our Heavenly Father and we do that by keeping the commandments of our Heavenly Father and when we dont keep those commandments we are EXPECTED to repent so that the law of mercy can be applied, otherwise the lawn justice demands that a penalty be paid for breaking that commandment. The over-riding theme is that just because there is a choice, that does not exempt any of us from keeping the commandments by overcoming the natural man, which Josh has obviously done, he has overcome the natural tendency in him and made a choice that puts off the natural man in him in order to make sure that his life and the decisions he makes are in line with the commandments of our loving Heavenly Father…and that is why he has been so blessed and found so much happiness in this life and with his decision!!
Ryan, thanks so much for your reply you do not know how much it has helped me understand what I was not putting together…I have to digest it a bit more…
I think it's obvious that Josh is not pretending to be straight.
I can totally get your argument if you come at it from a traditional John Calvin or Martin Luther point of view in which God is: 1) All powerful 2) All knowing and 3) all good. The problem is not God but our view of him that forces us into "blaming" him for things that are unfair or downright evil. However, if one simply takes away God's supreme omnipotence and instead replaces Him with a being who actually functions under a specific set of eternal laws, (who is simply God because he has mastered such laws), he becomes much easier to understand. When we look at someone like Josh who has been handed an unfair circumstance, we can instead know that this is just what imperfect bodies and a fallen world has led to. Josh is certainly not the only one who has had to suffer circumstances that just don't seem fair and he certainly won't be the last. If you are a person that believes in God at all, you have to come to terms with the trilemma of God's supposed attributes and adjust one of them accordingly so that God actually can be a good and benevolent being. The beauty of The Weeds' story is that they have truly applied the principle of love so that they can make more sense of the universe. EVERYONE struggles internally with some part of themselves that doesn't line up with their personal beliefs. It's a universal struggle. Not just a homosexual one.
One question: If they are Will and Grace, where's Jack? I thought a big part of that dynamic was always Jack.
I think teenage youth struggling with SSA just need to try harder and parents need to hold them accountable.. The weeds provide an example that it can be done. Thank you for sharing your story. Some members of our ward need to know it is possible to have what the lord intended, everyone has struggles.
Thank you for your story. I guess my real question is, why are you sharing this so publicly? What are you trying to accomplish?
We all struggle with things we desire to act upon, but choose not to, in order to live God's Commandments. Why is your desire to have a sexual relationship with a man, any different? I know many, many people who have incredible, strong desires they struggle with every day but simply choose each day not to act on them, in order to keep his commandments.
What good would come from them letting the world know of these struggles? Will their jobs be better? Will their family relationships be better? Will their children's lives be better?
To me, your post seems a little selfish. If you wanted to "come out" so people around you can understand why your actions will be different then before, that would make sense. It would bring understanding. But from your post, nothing in your life style will change.
I think Brigham Young said it best:
“When we ask those to speak in sacrament meetings, we wish them, if they have injured their neighbors, to confess their wrongs; but do not tell about your nonsensical conduct that nobody knows of but yourselves. Tell to the public that which belongs to the public. If you have sinned against the people, confess to them. If you have sinned against a family or a neighborhood, go to them and confess. If you have sinned against your Ward, confess to your Ward. If you have sinned against one individual, take that person by yourselves and make your confession to him. And if you have sinned against your God, or against yourselves, confess to God, and keep the matter to yourselves, for I do not want to know anything about it” (Discourses of Brigham Young)
I think they shared their story in the hope it would help others. And judging by the comments, it already has accomplished that. Thanks for your bravery, Josh and Lolly! I think you've done a lot to increase tolerance and understanding. Happy anniversary too.
In answer to one of your questions, YES, my family relationships will be better. First, after reading these post, I have desired to make changes in my life to have a better relationship with my husband. josh's description of intimacy is something I want more.of. Second, I have a brother who is homosexual, LDS, and temple worthy. I have a good relationship with him. Josh has reminded me to "just love him" even more.
I think it is import to point out that in no way is Josh confessing a sin here. He has not sinned.
I would also like to point out that Josh did state clearly why he was deciding to "come out" in a post. I suggest you reread what he did say. There was no selfishness in it.
Love and peace to you my brother.
I kind of see your point, but on the flip side, I choose to look at this differently…He was not called to give a talk in sacrament meeting…Reading Josh's blog, it apparent to me that he is bearing his testimony of the strength that he and his eternal companion have obtained by overcoming trial and temptation through putting off the natural man and keeping the commandements of God…he has become "steadfast and immovable at all times, in all things and IN ALL PLACES"…Whether that place be in a fast and testimony meeting or on a blog…Where he choses to bear that testimony is up to him and I support him in doing so especially with a subject that is at the center of so much controversy nowadays, we can all stand to be strengthened by hearing the firm testimony of faithful members who have overcome challenges in their lives no matter what those challenges are…That is the purpose of bearing our testimonies, when guided by the spirit, it strengthens both the bearer and those who hear it and are prepared to receive the message in that persons testimony:)
I see your point. However, why is it that people who are Gay feel that they must share this part of their life with the world, especially in Josh's case, in which he believes that acting on the desire to have a sexual relationship with a man would be a sin.
You don't see other people walking around and making sure the world knows what daily temptations they struggle with, but choose not to act upon.
How crazy would it be if we had people saying "Hi, my name is David, I'm a reporter, I'm a mormon and I struggle with the desire to only have sexual relations with just my wife. Or my name is Mary, I'm a teacher, I'm a mormon and I struggle with the desire to look at porn.
If, as Josh claims, this temptation is something he was born with but willing to fight against because he knows the gospel to be true and desires to keep the commandments at any sacrifice, why the drama?
Again, why do Gay people feel that they must share this with the world, unless they are 1) looking for approval or 2) looking for help.
I am not trying to be judgmental. I am truly seeking understanding.
Dude FAQ #1 he explains why— First and foremost, my clinical work as a therapist is taking me in the direction of helping clients who struggle to reconcile their sexual orientation with their religious beliefs. I have decided to be open with these clients about my own homosexuality, and in doing so have opened the door to people finding out about this in ways I can't control. Therefore, we thought it would be wise to be the ones who told those we love about this part of our lives. Posting on the blog was the simplest way to make sure that happened as it would be impossible to sit all of the people we have known and loved in our lives down and share this personally.
re: "What good would come from them letting the world know of these struggles?"
Because people are being taught that there is no other way to be a gay man. Either live alone forever, or be in a sexual gay relationship or in a fake marriage covered in a lie. All bleak from a gospel point of view.
He's a good example to people that you can be happy, gay, and in a man/woman relationship. Its going to be the exception and not the rule, but I still think its incredibly important for people to know. You can be with a woman and not be "lying to yourself". Or her. There are other ways to live. Its about prioritizing whats most important to you.
Aa a straight lds member, I can tell you this has helped me and brought the spirit into my life. It makes me want to be a better person and a better wife. It helps me understand the issues that gay people face and the choices they have to make, which helps me understand God's plan much better. I will also be showing this to my kids to help them both understand God and love and choices and consequences and family. It has a lot of wonderful lessons for us to learn and ponder on.
For starters, as someone has already pointed out, they're not giving a talk in sarament meeting. I think it would have been innapropriate to 'comeout' in sacrament meeting. But in this forum, where josh can write what he chooses to write I think it is completely appropriate. He wrote this because he feels it CAN and WILL help other people in doing so.
How many books are there out there where people share their own experiences in dealing with trials to help other people dealing with the same trials. My husband struggles with an addiction to pronography which he desperately wants to overcome. Together we are working through it, and reading other people's positive experiences has been immensly helpful. How is what Josh is doing any different?
Josh has not sinned, therefore has no need to confess to anyone, or appologize to anyone. I think he is simply trying to help people understand that we are not here to judge anybody. We are simply here to be tested ourselves, and to LOVE, and be loved. And personally I do think this will help peoples jobs be better. Someone who works with a gay coworker can more fully understand what they may be feeling. Or maybe they just needed to be told not to judge that person, and to just love. I KNOW it will help people's family relationship be better simply because so many people have already said it has. And as for children's lives being better, now there is something out there that shows it is possible for a gay man to live in the LDS church and be temple worthy.
I am not trying to judge you, I'm simply trying to give you my answer to your questions. I hope you don't feel any negative feeling from me, because I do not have any for you. You have every right to ask your questions, and to give your opinion, as do I, and as does Josh.
Bravo Josh and Lolly for your bravery and your love for complete strangers. You both are truly amazing.
The Church has addiction recovering meetings, and group support meetings for many different types of things. There people talk about their struggles, and offer support for those in need. I don't know for sure, but I don't think there is a place like that for LDS (or non LDS) homosexuals struggling to receive that support. I think Josh and Lolly are putting their experiences out there to help others. (just like addiction recovery programs.) There is a time and place to talk about such things. Why not his PERSONAL blog. Kudos to those with this temptation. Kudos to those with addiction temptations. Kudos to everyone who can over come their temptations and I appreciate the positive experiences and the hope they offer!
Josh and Lolly – thank you for sharing your story, and for doing it despite the emotional risk it took. My question is for Lolly – I wonder if Josh's being gay gets in the way of the man/woman feeling. I'm not talking about sex, but "maleness" and the qualities we normally attribute to being male, and "femaleness" and those qualities we attribute to being female. And, according to President Packer, (I'm also LDS) they're put there to draw men and women together. "A family begins when a young man and woman are drawn to one another by an irresistible force of nature. They offer to one another that which distinguishes him as male and her as female, and they want, above all else, to find the one with whom they can completely express their love." As I read it, he's talking about the maleness in him responding to the femaleness in her, and being drawn to each other.
And so my question is for Lolly. You seem to have a wonderful man, and his sensibilities seem to make him more sensitive, compassionate and understanding of others, but do you sometimes feel some of that "maleness" lacking in your relationship? And, if so, how do you reconcile yourself to it?
Just because Josh is gay does not mean he is a woman! He still is a man with male tendencies! Differences in who you are attracted to, whether it is same sex or not, is all a matter of inner desires. Josh can love Lolly and at the same time be attracted to men. Think of it as how Josh is giving up his lustful desires and giving in to love. This is a true romance story- not the hollywood kind- but the kind that lasts!
I'm so glad for you guys! You are awesome. I am a gay Catholic, and I had honestly resigned all hope of living chastely. But seeing and hearing about the two of you is making me rethink things — it gives me hope. Don't underestimate the work you're doing, and don't ever give up, and God be with you!
i can't get this whole thing off my mind. its consuming me. this post has affected me deeply.
i did want to ask a question, if it hasn't already been asked… but how do you plan to (or already have) tell your kids about this stuff? how does one say that to their child? obviously you are both very open and loving parents and yet i noticed in your "you did it you had sex" post, you mentioned that age 8 might be too young to be talking about it… so just very curious about your choices in that sensitive field 🙂
hope your getaway was a good one!
My kids get the sex talk in various forms from the moment it becomes applicable in their lives. My daughter asked sex questions in Kindergarten. My four year old has a friend that decided to experiment a little with their different body parts(she's a girl). So, he gets a little info now:) And it's a continuing evolving discussion(though my 11 year old has now decided it's disgusting…which I'm trying to root out of her:)) These talks are of course age appropriate with gospel principles being the foundation. I also plan to discuss this gay topic more with my kids, because they are growing up with it around them. I don't find it hard to talk about it, because they often have questions.
A friend from our ward just shared your website with me. She has a father who is gay, and unfortunately came out in a rather traumatic and destructive way for their family. I happen to have a brother in law who we are very close to who is gay–but was raised very faithfully in the church, was an Eagle Scout, did not serve a mission, but is a super good guy and in a long term committed relationship with another wonderfully great guy though not a member of the church. I also have a cousin who was gay, but passed away very young, who my mother was exceptionally close to as well. I mention all this only to share that the issue of homosexuality and the church has touched both my wife's and my family very deeply.
Your post was, simply put, incredible. I am so glad you shared it with the world, and can literally feel the love with which you and your wife put this together. And I say this not just because it stands as a testimony of a loving and blessed traditional relationship and family by a gay man, but that it may answer some very real and important questions by gay and nongay Mormons. I personally have had to stand up in church and confront ignorance and abusive prejudice against gay people. The idea that being gay is a choice, instead of your lifestyle being a choice is just one huge degree of ignorance that has hurt so many people in the past; and driven many of them away from the church.
There is just so much to say and thank you for, but I won't take all your time–you have so many posts to read 🙂 I'll end with this though–the Lord has obviously blessed you and your family becuase of your honesty and sincerity in dealing with life and your love. I am firmly convinced that He will continue to do so. You seem like wonderful people, a marvelous couple and have an amazing family. Thank you again for sharing.
Greetings from way, way, way out here in the bleachers of the Catholic Section! Your testimony made me weep with joy. Your testimony, and your transparent love for each other and for the Savior reminds me so much of an LDS hymn we often sing at Mass at my church, "Love at Home." "Kindly heaven smiles above when there's love at home; all the world is filled with love when there's love at home. . . . Oh, there's One who smiles on high, when there's love at home!"
I hope it's OK for us Catholics to swipe a couple of songs every now and then. I mean we're not gonna get raided by the Temple Police or anything, right?? It's tough enough being Catholic these days!
Even though we'll probably never meet, at least until we return Home, know that I thank our Father for you both, and ask his richest blessings to be yours.
funny you mentioned the hymn "love at Home" my kids dreaded that song as when they would argue…we would start singing that song to them…hard to stay angry…when you are singing those words…and as a life long member you have our permission to "steal that song or borrow it( if you promise to bring it back) any tme you want!
You should try reading the book of mormon if you are going to use our songs as well. It could change your life if you let it.
I don't think any of the leaders of the LDS Church would be even the least bit upset that you sing 'our' hymns. I believe that the hymns are there for the betterment of all people, regardless of one's religion. I too had the experience of my mother singing Love At Home when my siblings and I would fight, and the song used to bug me. Now that I have a family of my own, and more fully understand how important a role the family plays in society, it has become one of my favorite hymns.
So, at least from this LDS girl, feel free to sing any hymn you want. Some that I would suggest would be The Spirit of God, Oh My Father, and Lord, I Would Follow Thee. I'm not sure if all those are strictly 'LDS' songs, but they are some of my favorite. You can find the music to all the hymns at http://www.lds.org/churchmusic – and no, I'm not trying to convert you! 🙂 (although I would love to talk more about it if you were interested. Just fyi.)
LOL- we have stolen plenty of catholic songs!! Peace be to you- you rock!
Is there a way to contact you regarding a question without it being public?
You said that you jokingly said to your doctor that you were sorry she had to settle for a counterfeit family. But it seems like you would not have been joking. Because as a Mormon don't you believe that a family derived from anything other than a married man and woman is counterfeit in Gods eyes. Based on this belief you went to great lengths to avoid such a counterfeit family. Since I think you do see any other family as counterfeit then you can't possibly have love toward them.
You are misinformed. The Doctrine of the LDS church is that adopted children are every bit as 'real' and permanent as biological children. When parents adopt a child a sealing ordinance is performed to seal that child to the parents. My husband was present at his sister's adoption where they were sealed together as a family (an ordinance we believe seals a family together for this life and all eternity). Adopted children are in every way considered the children of adoptive parents.
No, we dont believe that. I know a few families with adopted kids. They are sealed together in the temple, thus becoming a completely 100% bonded for eternity family.
I honestly think he was just flipping the woman's words on her so she could see that they were absurd and offensive.
Thank you for commenting on my post. It's true I know nothing about the matter and I am not LDS. I wish the best for J and L, especially since I am living my life just as they are. They are an inspiration to me and I wrote that post out of genuine concern that someone I have come to admire so much might actually believe that family members that are adopted are less than true in the eyes of God.
I'm a totally different anonymous, and I am mormon, but I read the way you asked your question and responded to the answers. This sounds silly, but thank you for your genuine concern about a subject and then, when those people expounded on it and gave you the facts, you immediately accepted it and obviously really did just want an answer. It's rare to find someone that it using their questions as a tool to expand their own knowledge about others cultures and religions and I think we could all use that lesson.
Thank you for this post. What touched me the most was your description of your sexual relationship with each other. That sacred act IS so much more than a good roll in the hay. It is the culmination of intimacy. I thought it was beautiful. Thank you for being so brave and congratulations on being married to your soul mate. That truly is rare and you are both blessed. Thank you for sharing what I feel is one of the greatest love stories of all time in such an open way.
I have so much admiration for you guys! I hope someday that I will get the chance to meet you and your beautiful family! Being gay for me hasn't been the easiest road, but I know in my heart that its a part of who I am. I really admire that you guys started off as best friends. I wish for myself that if I ever have the opportunity to marry my best friend, it could be something like yours. I do plan on having a family someday, even if it means adopting. Again thank you for your post. This was the first one I read and I'm anxious to read more. You both are incredible and I hope someday to call you friends! Thanks Josh and Lolly 🙂
Ian, as a young gay man, I married my best friend, she was my best friend and we have a son. Being married didn't stop my sexual attraction towards men. On a scale of 1 to 10, I rated my marriage a 9. Yes, I was able to have sex and as Josh Weed describes it was an intimate act. In my mind I thought "sure I'm attracted to men, but I'm NOT one of those homosexuals." I did not identify as gay. I was content with my life, the community and the fun social activities with married friends. I might still be there today in the small Mormon community had my wife not decided to leave the marriage, which came out of the blue to me. I was devastated. It took me a year to come out to myself, yes you are gay. I moved on with my life from Utah to the east coast and became very successful in my career. Divorce can ruin relationships with your kids, if being gay is used as a weapon to hate. I'm more of a true and authentic person than I was when married and would love to be in relationship with a man. Being gay and single or being straight and single is not easy. In the end, I have to say that my wife did me the biggest favor, although I didn't think so at the time. I'm more fulfilled, authentic and honest with myself. There is no gay lifestyle, just folks paying bills, gardening, going to work with the same concerns most others deal with. I could still be married today, probably have a relationship with my son and the same Mormon community of friends. I'd probably be content, but then again, I wouldn't know any better..
I think that Josh and Lolly are admirable people!!! I am glad it turned out so well for them. I am LDS and I have never heard of something like this (a homosexual and heterosexual couple being happily married). I, however, have heard very little concerning gay and straight couples as it is (practically nothing). I have recently wondered what my sexual orientation is and have thought some more about it during and after reading this blog post. I am thankful for my Latter-day Saint friends who have been accepting and caring toward me even though I don't know what my sexual orientation is. I am glad that there are a number of Latter-day Saints who are understanding toward those who are LDS that have feelings of attraction toward those of the same gender.
After I started struggling with figuring out what my sexual orientation is I felt more sympathy toward those who are homosexual. I am glad to hear that it is possible for a homosexual individual to be happily married to and have a family with a spouse of the opposite gender!!! This opens a door of possibility for those homosexual individuals who want to be happily married in the Latter-day Saint religion and have children of their own. I don't know that this can work in every situation but hopefully for many couples (where one or both of the individuals is homosexual) this can work out if this is the path they decide to go on.
I wonder how many others out there are actually making it work in a similar way. We have been heavily trained to believe you can either live a lie or be in gay sexual relationship. Those are the options. We've been taught that there is no in between *possible* for a gay person unless they are just lying. There is this impression that its impossible because we never heard the stories of it working. But maybe not everyone is so willing to lay out the most personal aspect of their sexuality for public consuption. So their similar "making it work and happy" stories are left untold. We're left with nothing but the idea that its obviously impossible because we only hear of the failures. I wish more people like J&L would share.
You are so right, we have been trained to believe we can live a lie or be gay, no middle ground. I've lived the lie my entire life and it can become a real challenge!
Hi Josh and Lolly!
Remember me? Butterfield from Western Hills. I remember both of you very well.
Josh's blog has made quite a stir in the FB world to which I'm connected. I also blog about my spiritual/philosophical views, and I'm lucky if I get one or two readers a week!
I found out about your blog just yesterday, and I've been reading it in my spare moments. Delightful! Great writing (says the former teacher), entertaining, insightful, thought-provoking, and witty.
It will be interesting to see what happens as a result of your latest entry. I hope it will continue to be a positive contribution to the dialogue about this topic, and will remind people that there are many perspectives and shades of gray in all aspects of human life. I heartily applaud your primary motivation, which is Love. I send my Love to both of you. I'm glad you are well and happy. Say hello to your families for me, too!
You two are an inspiring couple and your love and acceptance for each other, the way you share that with the world really touches me.
Bless you for having the courage to share your truth with others so that they can feel the support of knowing that they are not alone and that LOVE is the most important thing in Life.
These kinds of marriages are not so unheard of:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/07/health/07broke.html?_r=4&oref=slogin&oref=slogin
but in the end, they usually don't work out. Best of luck.
I think we only hear about the ones that don't, there are MANY that do work out and thrive…we just don't hear about it enough. This is a perfectly good example of that.
Plenty of the examples discussed in that article lasted for 10 years or more. Some of them lasted for 20 or 30 years. The point is just that the heart knows what it wants.
You can force yourself to play a role for years, maybe even for your whole life, but people often remember, perhaps as mid-life approaches, that you only live once. The actual meaning of "being true to yourself" can become more clear at any time.
I have no idea if Josh will change his mind about what kind of happiness he deserves. I'm just saying he's no unicorn. He's a man who has made a choice many other gay men have made, due to the pressures of religion and society, and usually it falls apart at some point.
As a heterosexual female in a 10 year marriage as well, one of the rules I think all married heterosexual persons should live by is to not form close relationships with the opposite sex because it will invariably form unwelcome feelings for someone who you are not married to. Now considering your homosexuality, do you find this rule to apply to you when it comes to forming friendships with other men? Do you limit your level of friendship with other men, or does this not cause a problem or unnecessary temptation for you? Are you or do you instead have "outside" friendships with females to fill that particular need? Friendship seems to be an important outlet and need at times. I just wonder about your friendships outside of marriage.
Given your situation, what are your thoughts on all these "traditional marriage" amendments and propositions that are abounding in different states? I find myself against the witch hunt as well as the need to legislate this particular aspect of morality, because it seems to only cause and create contention and hate where there should be love and understanding.
Thanks for your beautiful post. I have struggled for a long time to reconcile my love of the Gospel with understanding homosexuality issues, and you have given me a very clear picture of something other than heartbreak for that scenario. I especially appreciated how you explained the difference between sexual attraction and intimacy which we so often intertwine. While ideally, they are intertwined, they are two separate concepts. This fact has brought greater understanding for me. Thank-you.
Josh,
This is not a comment about your postings, but about your health. After seeing the photos you posted on Lifesitenews.com and then on your blog of yourself, I think that you may want to consider seeing an LLMD (Lyme Literate doctor) as you seem to have some Bell's Palsy (where one side of your face is affected). It's not just how you were born because it's more defined or less so depending on the photo at which one looks. Good luck and God Bless!
I just want to say that I am grateful for the lack of condemnation that was posted by the WEED. This was HIS choice, HIS route, and HIS way of dealing and being okay with his homosexuality. I will give a hand and a round of applause to Lolly.. because without her, HE couldn't and wouldn't be able to be where he is now. I commend you both. My ex husband was not as loving as Lolly is- clearly. I had a SS relationship, repented and received my temple recommend and all. My ex husband new of my past as I too was going to be honest with my eternal companion. I was happily married in '03 in the OKC temple. My ex husband loved me, but he didn't love ALL of me. He couldn't get over the fact that I (like most everyone else) had a past. It was washed clean but he couldn't let it go- CLEARLY.. we divorced in '06. I have not had another heterosexual relationship since. I do believe that two people who are honest can make this situation/scenario work. Although I do not see myself getting remarried, I do still attend church regularly. My sexuality will not keep me away from my Heavenly Father. That relationship can still be had whether I live my life same-sex or not. I admire you Lolly for your unconditional love of your best friend, and Josh keep up the honesty.. it's so admirable when in this day and age to be dishonest is the norm. Lastly, I am just happy to see two people love each other. Everyone always wants to label something or someone so that they can be more comfortable with it. Love is not something that should ever be just stuck on a box or bottle with a label to be processed and shipped out. The day that labels go away will be the day that there is a LOT more peace. Gay, straight or bisexual.. we all are just who we are.. members of only one race- the HUMAN race made uniquely and special by our Heavenly Father. I wish that people would stop trying to get motes out of others eyes and lives and get the beams out of their own. I admire you both for living outside of the boxes and labels that were "handed" to you both. Who says the sky's not the limit, because it is… I love that you said however people feel it's ok for them to feel that way. It needs to be spread around… because what you said made it SAFE! THAT'S what I love most about this blog.. it was safe- from all angles. Safe, honest and without judgement. Thank you for reaffirming my own testimony that no matter how I CHOOSE to live MY life, that I am and forever will be LOVED by my HEAVENLY FATHER. God bless you all! *Trina*
Thank you Josh and Lolly, for sharing your story with the world.. It was a very coragous thing to do. It is timely, and inspiring. I have many family members, and friends who are gay/bisexual and I have always loved them the same as anyone else. This really helped me understand why I was able to do so. I admire your choices and your families support of you both. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
I am an active Mormon and appreciate your honesty and your insights. I think Heavenly Father is very pleased with you both.
I wish we all could have a marriage with such love, devotion, passion, trust, humor, and faith.
Take care and thanks again
Catherine
Several years ago I found out–by accident–that my brother in law is gay. I am sure my sister knows this, but as far as I know no one else in my family does. I have kept this secret and silently both admired and worried about what that little family is trying to do–until I read your blog. Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story and all the love you have. You have shattered my preconceptions and opened my mind to ideas and possibilities I never imagined. You've helped me see my own marriage in a new light and have changed forever the way I see my sister and brother in law. They don't know that I have this information about his sexuality, so I will go on keeping this secret, but everything has changed in my heart. My love and approval and encouragement will be silent but it will be real and I think–I hope–they will feel it.
I am so glad this was a rewarding experience for you. I was concerned what kind of responses you would get. I am often baffled by what people think they can share on the comments sections (meaning, it's like they don't realize this is an actual person they are talking too/about, whether they are Mormon/Christian or not…btw I am not an LDS Christian, but seem to read a LOT of LDS'rs blogs….one just leads to a million other ;). I love these stories of walking off the edge of the unknown, scared with anticipation, and having your spirit lifted. It's "just" lovely to ear about. God bless you even more!
Hahahaha! I love you guys, and this video made me laugh. (As an aside, I think you guys should do more videos for your blog–you both crack me up and I don't get to see you often enough, so this needs to happen if I'm to get my Lolly/Josh fix.) I also think the video was a great way to make a blanket response before you could get to other responses. Good luck with that, by the way.
Enjoy your vacation and know that I think you rock.
I just said outloud…as if you were here in my bedroom with me…"OH! I JUST LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!! The world needs to know you both. Can't wait for you guys to get back.
p.s. Nobody was here to hear me say at the top of my lungs what I just did. Not even Mark! 🙂
I love you guys! You are soo cute and I agree with the above idea– more videos of Josh and Lolly on this blog!
You guys are truly an inspiration. What a sweet, beautiful wife and courageous husband. You're doing this at a time when it's the most needed in history. It gives so many people hope that there is even a chance at this type of happiness. I don't even think you all will fully realize, for a long time, what this step of courage will do for so many of us out here struggling.
Can I just say that I am in awe of your strength, your courage and above all your love! You have done an amazing job writing this!!! This has spread like wildfire thru facebook and I'm sure many other realms and you have touched many you know and will continue to touch many more that you don't know. Love you guys! Thanks for sharing all of you with us! Now go enjoy each other and the sunshine!
It's en vogue to "come out of the closet." Strike one. Proclaiming oneself as "gay" gets you popularity with the world. Strike two. Actions trump feewings. You are straight, not gay, despite your attention whoring declaration, PLUS you're walking down a dangerous road by declaring yourself to be something that if acted upon will destroy your salvation. Strike three. You're not gay, sorry to break the awful news to you. Grow up though. You've embarrassed your family and yourself. Live in reality and not politically correct declarations (you should know this as a therapist).
BTW, you're getting endless nauseating praise, which you knew you would get, and thus it took no courage. Gag. Strike FOUR.
Bitter, party of one… your table is ready. I'm really sorry that you feel the need to attack this beautiful couple. I wish I could say I was surprised. Honestly, they've done a beautiful act of sharing LOVE with us – and there is a place where misery lives and the ruler of that would prefer that NO good feelings come from this. Grow up you say? Hmmmm, seems as if you need to take your own advice.
Amen.
Mr Umpire, Your cynical view of their motivations says everything about you, and nothing about Josh and Lolly. The love and admiration that expressed by the many people who know them is because of the love they have demonstrated, not their sexual orientation. The seem completely authentic to me, and I understand their trepidation. Interestingly, the most negative comments I have seen (on other sites) are by strangers who are just projecting their own biased thoughts. So you have plenty of company.
I thought baseball only had three strikes. What is this game you speak of with the fourth?
Calvinball, clearly. He's making up the rules as he goes.
Yikes! I am glad this anon is not God. Can you imagine God saying strike to every mistake we make. We'd all be in Hell. It was a mistake of anon to not see they are unhappy in their own life. Anyone who spews that kind of judgement feels judged themselves. Here's some advice to Mr. Positive (or Ms.?) : Try treating these people they way they would like to be treated. Otherwise they should "call" themselves out of the game. No one picked them on their team.
"I thought baseball only had three strikes. What is this game you speak of with the fourth?"
UMMM…..LIFE?
Hahaha see he/she doesn't even know the basic rules of baseball! Now we really can't listen to what they have to say.
Must be bowling.
You guys are so cute. I'm glad the response has been so largely positive!
Wow so far I have read rally positive comments. Some of them syrupy (is that a word?) and some you can tell are heart felt. The one above by anonymous, well let's just say that being plain mean won't make you lose your salvation, but it does make one think whether to respect you or not and I am assuming that the reason is it is anonymous is just for that reason fear of losing others respect after attacking someoneone else.
With that said….I am not LDS. I have a friend from High School who is and I respect her faith and her strength. I am Christian and while I don't subscribe to the belief system that LDS does I have a deep an abiding faith that sees me through the darkest of hours and is the light in the brightest. My husband and I have some friends that are working through the very issues that you brought up in your blog and had I not taken the time to click the link that my HS friend had provided I would not have had a place to send the friends who are struggling. Regardless of motivations or perceived attention getting tactics you have given people a jumping off point for discussion and understanding. Thank you for that and may God continue to bless you and your family.
So, by your rationale, I, as a man, if I like women, but have sex with men, I am heterosexual? It doesn't add up, dude, no matter how you look at it.
You would be a heterosexual who chooses to lead a gay lifestyle.
You two are wonderful. If you think about all the great things you have together, your companionship, your children, just everything, it all outweighs the part about being homosexual. Hold to that. You do have a choice. It can be a nice life, no a wonderful life.
Thank you
I appreciate your post, it seems like something you needed to do. I guess my question is for your wife. I too celebrated my 10 year marriage this year. Surprisingly, we have 3 kids. After 3 kids, I don't feel as attractive and wanted as I did when we were married (our wedding photo looks much like yours, (crazy happy emerging from the Salt Lake Temple). I struggle with feeling attractive to my husband after years of marriage and babies… how do you have good self esteem and feel attractive and beautiful when your husband says you don't turn him on sexually (although you have sex)? I feel like maybe you got the short end of the stick here. He says he doesn't feel turned on by you, but loves you… and you have sex. For a woman, I feel like it is an important part of sex to feel attractive.
This is the same question I have as well. I too think it is an important
part of sex to feel attractive. I just don't think I could have sex with someone who didn't find me attractive AND love me.
I love both of you so much and admire your strength and courage. The next time I see you (who knows when that will be!) you get a huge hug from me because that's the only way I can think of to show my respect, appreciation, and love for what you have shared. Love you!
After watching the video I felt compelled to comment.
The strength and courage you two posess together brings joy to my heart. The light of his love for you both has opened the door. By choosing to walk through, you gave hope to the world.
The two of you will never be forgotten for whomever experiences the touch of GOD will live forever.
God bless you and those fortunate you have touched…..
Dear Josh and Lolly, I too saw this on FB and read your story. I then spent the next 3 days reading your entire blog as I fed my baby girl. I'm also LDS and have been struggling with what I feel in my heart in comparison to what other members feel in theirs pertaining to this topic. All I can feel is love combined with heartbreak for those who struggle with who they are and what they believe and how to live their life the only way they know how. I truly love you both and am so thankful for your courage and amazing example of what a marriage, partnership, team, lifeline, and lover should be! You have helped me to sort through my own conflict of how I feel we should be treating people and how it actually is. You are truly courageous and have started a beautiful dialogue that we have so desperately needed in this church. I applaud you, love you, and thank you!
Yes! More videos! It's some of us who live far away's only way to get our Josh and Lolly fix! btw…I loved Lolly's tangent on the little bottle of sauce! Love you both!
While I admire your honesty and willingness to speak out, I do question two main points in your initial post.
First, you said, "One of the sad truths about being homosexual is that no matter what you decide for your future, you have to sacrifice something. It’s very sad, but it is true."
No, that is not true. Or, let me put it another way, it is no more true for GLBT folks than for straight folks. Our religion no only marries GBLT in the church, we ordain GBLT people as well. The only things my son, who is gay, is currently forced to give up are civil rights and those are being withheld from him by man-made laws, not nature and certainly not G-d.
Second, you seem very taken with the idea of biological children. The fact is, and surely you know this, is that GLBT folks can have children that are biologically related to them. And straight people can be infertile but that doesn't stop them from being parents. Infertility treatments and/or adoption does not make a family less real or less precious.
I hope you agree with me that biology does not a family make. Families are so much more complex, so much deeper, than that. And I also hope you agree that is laws such as Prop 8 that are forcing my son to live a "less than" life, that he is not a "less than" person by nature or by G-d's design.
Dear Fresh Hell, Texas – As I read the blog, the context of giving up one thing for another was primarily pointing out that you either give up a same-sex family partnership for the opportunity to have a child that is biologically yours and your partners, or you give up the ability to have a biological family with the one you choose to have a family with in exchange for a same-sex partnership. Neither choice has anything to with lessening the value or love of a child that is not biologically related. As one with many friends in the gay community who have adopted or undergone artificial insemination, I can tell you that the love for their child is not undermined by the wish that it could have biologically been created by both partners.
Anon, I understand what you are saying. One of the points I was trying to get across is that not everyone considers it "a sacrifice" to not have biological children. Adoption is the first choice of many couples, gay or straight.
I simply do not like seeing the choice or need for adoption as proof of "a sacrifice" or something "very sad."
Fresh Hell, I see you over at Cjane. It is good to see you here just because you ask probing and thought-provoking questions.
I would argue that 'sacrifice' is not synonymous with 'very sad.' And nowhere in that paragraph does he indicate that adoption is very sad. There is something to be said for the miracle of being able to create life directly with the one you love, and for anyone who cannot do that I think it is a sacrifice (whether it's because of a same sex relationship or infertility etc.). Which does lead to a question about how this relationship may have been different if they had not been able to have children (which I would imagine they might address in future posts?).
I would also venture to guess that Josh was not just referring to a lack of ability to have a biological family as a sacrifice in choosing to lead the traditional gay lifestyle. You are right that much of the current sacrifices associated with that choice involve things like estrangement, legal restrictions, and other culture inflicted issues … but sacrifices constructed by society affect everyone too, not just LGBT community — which does not make them right — but I think that is worth pointing out in support of Josh's statement that no matter what your choices in life are there are sacrifices associated with it.
And as a side note I always think about how safe and loved your son must feel having you as a mom when I read your comments — which I imagine is an intentional effort on your part — I think you do an impressive job sticking up for and advocating his rights/emotions/choices.
Fresh Hell, Texas –
The sacrifice Josh considered wasn't only the "wife and biological children", it was exaltation in God's highest kingdom.
While LDS doctrine teaches that ALL of God's children will be a member of His kingdom in the next life (Save those who have a perfect knowledge and then deny it like Judas Iscariot), there are three levels. Josh knew that had he acted on his SSA the eternal sacrifice he would have made would have been losing the ability to be with our Heavenly Father throughout eternity.
Even though we will all be in heaven and all have access to a member of the Godhead, only those in the highest kingdom will have access to the Father.
Although posting Anonymously, I have used a pseudonym, Joseph McKnight, for many years now in corresponding with Church leaders and posting on various blogs. I am a closeted gay man married to a wonderful wife for more than 25 years. Your story and post on "coming out" on your 10th anniversary makes me both sad and happy. Happy, certainly, because it seems like you are filled with joy right now. Sad because it isn't me and I wasn't and can't be so openly honest with anyone, worst of all with my wife. Sad because I fear for you and your future, that it might be as awfully depressing as mine is, but also just a little bit hopeful that your being open and honest from an early stage may be on a better course than I took. I, too, wanted children of my own so very badly, because I loved children. I grew up the oldest of 7 and I loved taking care of little babies as a young man. I also knew I was gay at age 11/12 during puberty, but it was such a different environment those 40 years ago, and coupled with my parents who didn't at all talk about any kind of sex let alone what gayness was, made it so very difficult for me to know who I was. I don't feel like I had an informed choice back then, I followed what I was told to do, get married, and yes, she is wonderful, and we have fun-loving, good kids who now have given me grandkids that I can take care of, too, but the overall fact is my Church let me down. It didn't help me at all. I can't help but agree mostly with Fresh Hell just above. And now, after learning so many other things about my Church, I am at an awful crossroads. Thanks for listening, and truly thank you for sharing your story, and perhaps helping our whole society progress a little bit, I think.
Dear Anonymous, June 11, 1:58pm, (the Last Post)I have a son who has SSA. He is currently in a committed same sex relationship, but this not what he really wants. But, he has many questions and fears and concerns and so do I. Here are a few, If he were to be as open with his future spouse as Josh was with Lolly, do you think he could have a better experience than the one you just described? How hard is it to remain faithful to your spouse throughout this entire time? Is it hard for you working closely with men in let's say in an Elder's quorum presidency? What do you think the church could do differently to provide you with greater support? What can parents do to provide greater support? Do you regret the decision, or would you rather had a husband and adopted to fulfill your desire for children? How does "coming Out" help you to feel better inside if you plan to stay in a heterosexual relationship anyway? How would having your wife know about it help your relationship if you plan to be faithful to her in the long run anyway?
Sorry for all the questions, but it has been really hard to have dialog with people who have tried to live this way and make this sacrifice. These stories are mostly untold. My Stake President set my son up a confidential meeting with a man in our stake who is married for many years and has SSA, but I have never spoke to anyone myself that has been married and has grandchildren etc. I have great respect for what you have accomplished, but it worries me that you seem rather negative about the outcome of your life. Is is a let down or a blessing as you near the end of a lifelong trial know from a religious standpoint that you have passed this enormous trial. Has it made you a better man like other trials we face? You thoughts or any others, men or women who have faced this challenge and are at the latter end of life. Was it worth it to you?
Thank you for thinking of me and asking questions of me. Here's some replies.
Do you think he could have a better experience than the one you just described?
I think that it is a good step in the right direction to be openly honest about it from the very beginning, that’s why I am mostly proud of what Josh and Lolly are doing. I don’t think everything will be perfect for them and I hope they read some of the critical comments as well as all the nice comments posted here. I honestly think gay people with a strong Kinsey scale toward the same sex should be in a committed same sex relationship and be allowed to marry. I wonder if Josh would comment on what he thinks his own Kinsey scale is? I believe your son should, if he is honest with himself, stay in his committed same sex relationship and work towards changing society’s views on marriage and homosexuality.
How hard is it to remain faithful to your spouse throughout this entire time?
This is probably the best question being asked. I was told that as I got older my libido would naturally decline and so I thought my SSA would also decline. It did not. In fact, it increased dramatically during my 40’s and 50’s. It was a sad realization for me, and so difficult to continue this way.
I'm having difficult posting, but I appreciate your questions and will try to answer them.
Do you think he could have a better experience than the one you just described?
I think that it is a good step in the right direction to be openly honest about it from the very beginning, that’s why I am mostly proud of what Josh and Lolly are doing. I don’t think everything will be perfect for them and I hope they read some of the critical comments as well as all the nice comments posted here. I honestly think gay people with a strong Kinsey scale toward the same sex should be in a committed same sex relationship and be allowed to marry. I wonder if Josh would comment on what he thinks his own Kinsey scale is? I believe your son should, if he is honest with himself, stay in his committed same sex relationship and work towards changing society’s views on marriage and homosexuality.
How hard is it to remain faithful to your spouse throughout this entire time?
This is probably the best question being asked. I was told that as I got older my libido would naturally decline and so I thought my SSA would also decline. It did not. In fact, it increased dramatically during my 40’s and 50’s. It was a sad realization for me, and so difficult to continue this way.
This is my third try at replying to your questions. I'm not having much luck.
Dear Anonymous, Joseph McNight, Thank you for trying to answer, I appreciate your honest responses. I was really looking forward to my final questions though. You seem kinda discouraged at the end of your life having lived through this. I thought maybe you would feel really proud of this accomplishment if you still believe in the proclamation on the family that our sexual identity is eternal etc. You have biological children that you say are fun loving and a wonderful life that you can be with through all eternity and grandkids that probably adore you. Wasn't this all worth it in the end? I really want to know how you feel about this. Thanks
I am a 45-year-old LDS man. I, like Josh, have known I was gay for a long time and told my wife before we got married 22 years ago. We have had five beautiful children. We had, I thought, a near perfect life together – intimate in every way. We too celebrated our 10th anniversary and then our 15th and 19th. I love wife deeply but I have never been in love with her. There is a difference. Yes, love is a choice and I have always accepted that as a gay man, I must make more of a sacrifice in this area than my straight counterparts as our Heavenly Father requires. I have been so committed to this and my wedding pictures show as much happiness as Josh and Lolly's.
Two years ago, my wife told me that as much as she has tried to deny it, through the years she has found something missing in our relationship, a void that she could not explain away. She is a great woman of God, my wife is. But she felt that she could no longer live the way she has been living for so long. As much as it devastates me, I cannot force her to stay in a marriage where she feels so empty (she hasn't always felt that way, she says, or allowed herself to) so we are in the process of a divorce. We have been quite open about my gayness and we tell people why we are divorcing. Lookinng back, I realize how unfair I have been to my wife through the years – I have loved her as much as I can but I am beginning to understand why she would feel a void. I honestly want for her to be in a comitted relationship with a man who can love her completely as I was unable to ultimately.
I totaly agree that physical atraction is not the most important thing – not by a long shot. But I know that the fact that I have never really physically desire my wife has been hurtful for her. As is the fact that I often have had to think about men in order to be sexual with her although we never really dscussed that fully, other than to both like the TV show, Queer as Folk and we have all the dvd's in a box set.
Anonymous – I hope that your wife finds the love that she deserves, and I hope that you find the love that you deserve, also.
When I first read your post I was like "wow" they have courage. Then with thinking about it over the last few days I have come to feel sad, mostly for lolly. I just want to know a few things. You have 3 kids (so you must be turned on by your sweet wife), but are you attracted to her? Do you look at her and say "wow, she is so dang beautiful, I love her to death", Do you say "wow you turn me on". It's really not fair to her if you do not say/feel any of those things or are not attracted to her. Having said that, I know you have kids so you had to have been "attracted" and you say you have fantastic sex. SO I can assume you are. but can you answer that for me and maybe clarify it to all your readers. It might help with those I have seen post about if you are attracted to her or not. Your wife is a beautiful (BTW 🙂 ).
I would say you are not "trully gay", having a SSA doesnt make you gay, it just means you struggle with SSA just like someone might struggle with porn, or sexual addictions etc. Gay to me is a way of life, "actually being with a same sex partner". being gay/lesbian is an action word to me, not thoughts. It's like saying the pornographer is a pornographer based on his thoughts even though he/she has never looked at it or have been addicted. Or a adulturer who never has committed adultery even thought they might have had thoughts at one point or another but pushed it away. I myself have had that little head of mine say "hmm I wonder what it would be like to have sex with more then my spouse".. then I push it away as OMG did I just think that, and push it aside. It's all about actions. To me your straight.
I myself struggle, not with homosexuallity but other things. I read comments to you that why would god allow this to happen, that's its ok to succumb to the natural man because god doesn't make mistakes. What i have to say to all those who think that is you are wrong. What about the person that has the sexual orientation for children (I know its sick to even think about but some do struggle with that too), do they succumb to their desires because God made them that way? No most people wont. It's the same with any type of sexual stuff. The desire for sex is SOOO huge and ornate in humans that its a struggle in general to "behave".
anyways.. I do commend you for coming out, I know why you did it.. to help others in your same boat and show another way of just succumbing to your struggles. Succumbing is weakness, and I see so much strength in your desire to live a righteous life.
Thanks.
How dare you. Truly, how dare you compare homosexuality to pedophilia. Children cannot give consent to sexual relations nor are they emotionally capable of adult relationships.
Who are GLBT people hurting? Two adults in a loving, consenual relationship is the same as raping a child in what way?
I am a straight woman but my son is gay. You know who has hurt him? People who compare him to child molestors. People who pretend that being gay is only about sex. People who scream "fag!" People who tell him that being who he is is an affront to G-d. People who work to deny him his civil rights based on their religious beliefs.
Being gay hasn't hurt my son but a lot of people, most claiming to be doing G-d's work, certainly have.
its an analogy geez ….. don't get your panties in a twist. lol… Being Gay is about sexual desires which is why it is so hard for people. To get past an innate desire as sexual beings is hard and takes alot of control even for someone who has a innate desire to have multiple partners… Its all the same. Just a different twist to our desires that all.
While I can see why you would be so horrified by anon's analogy to pedophilia, I think your were missing their point. i don't think they were saying that a loving relationship is in ANY way like pedophilia, but the most of these people, your son included most likely, are born with these feeling, and its not something they can just 'turn off.' There has been evidence proving that one can be born with an u healthy attraction to children, which they SHOULD never act upon, and if they did would be totally and completely wrong, but for them as well, they can't just 'turn it off.' They have to work through it.
I firmly believe that people who are GLBT are good people, and if they chose to live that lifestyle that is no one elses buisness but their own, but for those who chose not to, and are trying to live what they believe is the right way, obviously it is difficult. Again, I don't believe that a homosexual relationship is bad like
Edophilia, but I can see the analgogy for how I think it was intended, that people are born a certain way, and sometimes that is something they see as a trial and have to fight against.
Texas, I hope your son finds more love in the future. I personally do not agree with the homosexual lifestyle, but I definitely do NOT think that someone who lives that way is a bad person. Like I said, that is their buisness, and I am no better than them because I am straight. I am so very far from perfect, and struggle with my own prolems, and I am in no place whatsoever to judge them.
I wish you and your son the very best. Hang in there! I believe that many people in this world will come around, and your son will be able to (eventually) live a truly happy and peaceful life.
I meant an UNhealthy attraction to children, not a u healthy. Sorry!
Josh and Lolly – Greetings from Los Angeles. Thank you so much for your wonderful post! The vulnerability of your honest and open insight is such a powerful tool for overcoming ignorance, confusion, fear, and misconceptions about same sex attraction, about marriage, and about traditional Christian beliefs. You are a beacon of hope and happiness.
When it comes to sexual attraction and marriage, I have come to see through years of counseling married couples that every partner in a healthy long-lasting marriage sacrifices varying degrees (initially and/or over time as one’s spouse ages) of base idealistic sexual attraction for the good of the marriage, for the love of one’s spouse, for a rewarding relationship that encompasses more than just sex, and for the health, happiness and security of one’s children and grandchildren. On a purely sexual attraction level, everyone with a sex drive has varying degrees of attraction not fully filled by their spouse. While gender may be the sexually attractive ideal that is lacking for some, for others ,their spouse may initially or eventually lack their sexual attractive ideal of: body part size, supermodel or body-builder physic, a perfect complexion, hygiene, youth, height, hair, weight, health, and eye or skin color.
Sadly, I have seen time and time again that when one enters a marriage with an UN-healthy emphasis placed on initial sexual attraction, the results are usually disastrous, with the battle scars that lead to divorce telling a story of infidelity, depression, surgical alterations, yo-yo diets, substance abuse, financial waste, broken promises, lost dreams, and shattered children. Thank you for sharing with us that, while one’s spouse may not initially or eventually be one’s ideal fantasy of sexual attraction, the intimacy of trust, the emotions of a deeper love, and a relationship filled with respect and loyalty are far more satisfying, sexually and otherwise, than a fictional and fleeting quest for ones perfectly ideal sexual attraction.
I often work with individuals who come to me for help with struggles between same sex attraction, their love of God, and a belief that His commandments have been lovingly extended. Often there is confusion or frustration over why their beloved Father in Heaven would give them a commandment, yet created them with desires and passions that make keeping that commandment difficult. I share with them that everyone has been created, by design, with varying degrees of desires and passions that make keeping God’s commandments challenging, but that overcoming those challenges brings confidence, resolve of character, discipline, trust and respect. I can now refer them to your love story as a perfect illustration of this principal!!
Again, many thanks for sharing with us the blessings that have come into your relationship and family because of the willingness by both of you to sacrifice for each other with unconditional love. The caption under your family photo “this is what it’s all about” brought me to tears and solidified your witness that much more has been gained than sacrificed.
Josh! You're famous…stumbled across this today, thought you'd be happy to see you guys are going big time.
http://www.ksl.com/?sid=20782328&nid=1016&title=gay-latter-day-saint-blogger-creates-web-buzz&s_cid=queue-6
p.s. I am still waiting for my sticker…with baited breath.
Jeff
This video mostly makes me miss you guys and wish you weren't so far away so we could hang out sometime! And, oh, the tabasco sauce made me miss Lolly!
I'm glad to see that people are being so loving and supportive of you, and have been writing you emails in my head since Friday. I'll send you a for realzies one soon!
The 2 of you are beautiful people inside and out.{even lolly's name is cute!} I found your article I read last night to be both profound and a truly rare writing. It was perfectly written. I wish I were friends with the 2 of you I love you already! good work guys! HUGS
ps. I also saw online a post about your post and we read for a moment some comments. people are ugly and scared which causes them to be angry {obviously} but My husband commented "they must not have read his original post" lol people are crazy you will deal with a lot of crazies. A thought that comes to mind about the courage it took to post the article is "everything you want in life is just outside your comfort zone} if you want to help people, you have done it by leaving your comfort zone,.hugs
I can't believe there are others out there like me. Thank you " Anonymous" for posting this comment. I had to copy paste because I can't say it any better!!!! Dealing with these feelings alone is really hard to do. Way to go Josh!!!! If you are a unicorn, it is only because of your daring to come out of the closet. I have always suspected there many more men like me that live a dual life, both Mormon and attracted to men. I'm in much the same situation, with 4 kids, happily married, and active in the faith. Unlike you, however, I hadn't fully accepted it myself before marriage and thus my wife had to find out after a few years when I finally came out to myself. Still, we love each other and are happy. I have no desire to share this part of my intimate nature with outside friends and family, thus I post this as Anonymous, but kudos to you for doing it.
I have thought and thought and thought about this post, now here I am 3 nights later reading comments. I have all the same questions that are being presented. Mainly as I've thought about being married to another woman because lets say my religion says its the way to my salvation, I simply could not do it. The thought of it just makes me want to PUKE! I guess I've never tried loving another woman that much, so I guess if I thought it was right deep down inside, and doing what God wanted me to do, maybe I could really have a sexual relationship with another woman. It just brings up a lot of incongurencies in my mind, and I'm having a hard time understanding it all. I look forward to your response to the questions. I truly hope Lolly won't ever feel like she has gotten less than she deserves someday. However, I know if she follows God's plan of salvation, she will never feel shorted in life. Can't wait! I've never followed a blog like this before. I'm pretty sure that these very real people with very real lives wouldn't have posted this to gain popularity, I know it was purley out of a desire to help. Gotta go! My husband's going to flip when he sees I'm still on this blog.
Thank you thank you thank you. I am a therapist. I am a mom. I am an active member of the LDS church. I am a believer in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I feel pretty mainstream, actually. And, you have voiced, Josh and Lolly, what I have felt and believed for so many years, and what I believe the Gospel has taught me all along- we are all children of our Heavenly Father. He loves us all very much.
My daughter told me about your blog. I will share it with others.
I hope for you and your family more great happiness.
Thank you for making a difference, for being an example of love.
Shara.
P.S. Where can I pick up a 'Club Unicorn' bumper sticker?
I'd be careful there – it already has a slang meaning…
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=unicorn
I just found your article on Face book which was posted by a friend and like face book I wish you had a like button because so many before me have said things that I would have loved to agree with . I appreciate your honesty and candor over your situation . I don't think it is unlike struggles others have but with different things such as sexual attraction to someone other then their mate ,I think the key would be take the focus off that which is detremental and focus on the positive . I love how you talked about the sexual part of your marrige proving it is the relationship that makes the sexual experence not the other way around . I think our world is so sexual oriented that they have forgotten that sex was not meant to be purely a physical act .I don't have any gay children but if I did I would hope that I would be able to handle it with the same love and acceptance your parents had for you . And I too hope that maybe this could be submited for an ensign article. I wish much happiness for you and your sweet wife and family .
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I so admire your ability to openly share your life with the world. I know you've had a lot of comments so I'll cut to the chase by saying that I think you and your wife are incredibly brave and wonderful and inspiring. I'd also like to ask if you could go further into detail about your parent's reaction to you coming out when you were a kid and how they proceeded to support you as you were growing up while still raising you according to the LDS doctrine without causing you to feel judged? It sounds like they were exemplary and we could all learn a thing or two from them.
You two…. Amazing. I have really not talked of much else since reading your post. Thank you for not being afraid. Thank you for being willing to give another voice to the very delicate topic of homosexuality. Wow. I have learned so much, and I feel like I am so much more accepting, and I just can't tell you how grateful I am. Thank you so much.
You two are SO CUTE! Just from your video and your last blog post I can honestly say that you are one of my favorite couples and I don't even know you! I, too, found your article floating around facebook, sparking some interesting thoughts and conversations. I'm a mormon and I support gay rights but am also 100% supportive of the life the two of you have chosen as well! I am just so glad that you two are happy! That makes me so happy! I think your example will give so much faith to members who are struggling with this issue. This is my first exposure to your blog but I'm bookmarking it right now and plan to keep checking in on your wonderfully inspiring family! Thank you for being such great examples and for so eloquently and tenderly expressing your opinions on the issue. I hope all church members, and all people, can learn from you two! And I hope my future marriage will be as full of love and joy as yours is. You two are celebrating 10 years and have the excitement of newlyweds. That's exactly what I want. 🙂
I read your blog regularly for the laughs, but I misted up yesterday when I read about the Unicorn Situation. I have personally am not gay but have been very active as a straight ally in the LGBT community for decades. I have Mormon family, and I have often thought this was a point we would just never be able to communicate about. However, I give you big, mad props for hopefully making that idea moot. Your choices obviously aren't for everyone, but I'm really glad it's working for you and you are so, so happy and loved (and giving love in return)in ways that give so much to the world, and you've decided to share. I hope that this dialogue continues and I am eager to see where it goes. Best wishes and many blessings to you. <3
Well, I was brought to this blog by the viral "gay-married-mormon" thing that blew up my Facebook page. I read the whole article (great), and then realized that you were my eight grade English teacher at Springville Junior High in 2005? Am I that old? Are YOU that old? Sorry, too much.
Soooooo, yeah. This is awkward. Anyway. Great blog, my name is Lauren Smith. Pull out your old attendance sheets, I promise I'm on there.
See what's really amazing about the momentum of your story is how many of these comments include other homosexual members of the church whether they be active, inactive, unicorns or friends and family of all of the above. I think it speaks to the scope of SSA within The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
I'm a member who also has SSA. I thank you for this. The comments have been, for me, a rather wonderful read that shows how much community can be supportive and just how many unicorn testimonials support my hopes for a future. I think I'm not going to far out to say that the ripples this splash makes will spread far. Really far.
I've been speaking with many of the others that I know who are LDS and experiencing same-sex attraction, and the consensus has been your blog is very, very wonderful. Kudos.
Dear Josh and Lolly,
If you guys are ever in Provo you and your family are always welcome to stop by our home. We've got 2 little boys and 2 little girls so they can all play while we have a cookout.
Crazy Mad Kudos Love to you guys. The national conversation your story has started I think is wonderful.
Cheers!
What you are doing to children is evil. This "therapy" causes all kinds of harm. You are not doing legitimate work you are killing people. Please stop.
What you are doing to children is evil. This "therapy" causes all kinds of harm. You are not doing legitimate work you are killing people. Please stop.
Killing people? Seriously?
To everything you said in your blog, ditto, me too. I feel the same way, and I am engaged to a wonderful woman.
The gospel is true.
Thank you for letting your light shine.
I LOVE THIS BLOG! I LOVE JOSH AND LOLLY! You are both heroes. This is the beginning of great GREAT things! Big things! Big chances in people's minds and hearts throughout the church. God Bless you and your family!
OH, and don't let any haters get you down. 🙂 You guys ROCK!!
Josh and Lolly – congratulations on finding each other and finding an arrangement that is fulfilling for both of you.
But I'm troubled by the references in the comments to people who "have SSA" as though this is a disease to be cured or endured. Being gay is not a disease, and I only hope that *everyone* can find the fulfillment they deserve. If your church and your God cannot accept gay people as gay people, then that's fine – but don't expect "club Unicorn" to be a large umbrella. Most gay people will leave your church and find somewhere that allows them to be who they are, "SSA" and all. Or they will suffer through a sham marriage (and force their partner to suffer through it with them). This is an old story, not a new one. And it's the negative, lasting effects of denial and repression that many gay people have rejected.
Again, congratulations to you – but please don't imply that this is a "solution" to "SSA."
What an amazing woman. She is an angel! He is a lucky man. You have true love and a beutiful family. WELL DONE!
I am the father of a 18-year old amazing, intelligent and gifted artistic son. His passions are drawing and basketball. He has many friends who love him and who he loves. His favourite subjects in school are art and physics. He wants to be a scientist.
But I'm using the wrong verb tense. This should be written in the past tense, something I find so hard to do still, two years after he hanged himsslf on a tree outside of our home.
My son was gay. After he came out, some folks were amazingly supportive and for tht I will be eternally grateful. Others were downright mean to him, hurtling slurs and all kinds of abuse. But what upset him the most, he would tell us, were the people who cared the most, the people who said he had a choice, that he could live an honourable life to God as a celibate man. That they loved him without condition but that he must not ever ever act out on his feelings. That his sin wsa equivalent to the sin of wanting multiple partners. He told us that it was these folks who just devastated him. He was in counselling and we were very very involved in his life. But it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to overcome the kind of 'loving' statements that I see repeated over and over in the comments here. So no, I don't find hope in Josh's story. It will simply increase the types of situations that caused my son to take his life.
Anon, I am so sorry that your beloved son died. Thank you for sharing his story. With love, Kate
I appreciate your post and the delicate manner in which you and your wonderful wife have shared your life. I enjoyed your wife's perspective and wonder if you might, at some point in time, elaborate on your parents' support for you and how their specific actions may have helped you to reach the happy state you are in now. I imagine there was some heartache on their part in the past in seeing that their son would have to accept "less than the ideal" regardless of the choice you made. If you were to be faced with a similar situation in the future with your children how might you specifically encourage your children to make the best choice for them? Again I thank you both for sharing such a tender part of your lives to the inspiration of all the rest of us.
Those who do not have an eternal perspective will never understand what the two of you are doing. But as long as YOU don't lose sight of the endgoal, your relationship can only get better and better (despite the naysayers).
To: June 11 2012 3:36 PM
From: June 11 2012 1:58 PM (sorry, I’m having difficulty posting a reply, something about “scripts”)
Thank you for your questions, and here are my replies. I urge Josh and Lolly to seriously consider some of the critiques given, here, too, even if they may not be so pleasant as all the praise you’re getting.
Do you think he could have a better experience than the one you just described?
I think that it is a good step in the right direction to be openly honest about it from the very beginning, that’s why I am mostly proud of what Josh and Lolly are doing. I don’t think everything will be perfect for them and I hope they read some of the critical comments as well as all the nice comments posted here. I honestly think gay people with a strong Kinsey scale toward the same sex should be in a committed same sex relationship and be allowed to marry. I wonder if Josh would comment on what he thinks his own Kinsey scale is? I believe your son should, if he is honest with himself, stay in his committed same sex relationship and work towards changing society’s views on marriage and homosexuality.
How hard is it to remain faithful to your spouse throughout this entire time?
This is probably the best question being asked. I was told that as I got older my libido would naturally decline and so I thought my SSA would also decline. It did not. In fact, it increased dramatically during my 40’s and 50’s. It was a sad realization for me, and so difficult to continue this way.
Thank you for attempting to reply to me. I hope you can answer the other questions I have. I am really anxious to hear the life stories of people who are 60 years and older who have engaged in the gay lifestyle and sacrificed the chance for (for most anyway) to have a biological family and end life with no posterity or grandchildren and all the joy and fulfillment that comes with that legacy. Then, I want to hear some stores from people like you who have sacrificed the same sex attraction and engaged with a traditional family and life a life without the gay lifestyle, how hard was it for you, would you do it again, and was it worth it. From an LDS eternal perspective, I would think that at the end of this road, once you have "fought the good fight" and endured to the end living true to your faith and covenants, You would feel pretty satisfied? If there is anyone reading this blog that fits into these s scenarios, I would love to hear from you.
My Aunt who died some time ago lived the gay lifestyle and at the end of her life, having lived in a professional world in the closet and having no posterity, told us she would not wish the gay lifestyle on anyone. At the end of your life, looking back on her choices, it seemed like a lonely existence. For those of you who went the other way and tried a traditional family and succeeded. What are your thoughts towards the latter years of life. What do you feel?
Just read the following article and thought is was worth posting as a support for keeping the children in mind.
"The New Family Structures Study (NESS), published by Dr. Mark Regnerus, Associate Professor at the University of Texas, compared thousands of young adults (ages 18-39) who were raised in different types of family arrangements.
Those who knew that their mothers had had a lesbian relationship fared significantly worse on measures of educational attainment and household income, reported more depression, used marijuana more, more often reported forced sexual encounters, felt less close to their biological mother, felt less safe and secure in their family of origin, had more often pled guilty to a minor criminal offense and were more likely to be on public assistance.
Those who knew their fathers had had a gay relationship were more likely to have been arrested, to have thought recently about suicide, to feel depressed, to report sexually transmitted diseases and to have experienced forced sex.
Twenty-three percent of young adults who knew their mother to have had a gay relationship reported being forced to have sexual contact with a parent or adult caregiver, while only 2 percent of intact families with a mother and father reported such contact. For female young adults, that figure leapt to 31 percent (while only 3 percent of young women from intact heterosexual families reported this).
In saying that the children of parents who were known to have engaged in homosexual relationships reported these increased rates of suffering, it is important to note that the rates were higher for these children (now young adults) than for children in intact families with two biological parents, children whose parents divorced late in life, children who were raised with a step-parent in the home, children raised by a single parent and children adopted by strangers."
Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/06/12/study-finds-host-challenges-for-kids-gay-parents/?intcmp=features#ixzz1xb1WHxTA
More and more studies show the horrific harms children suffer when exposed to homosexual relationships. Adult selfish desires should never be more important than the welfare of innocent children (pseudo same-sex marriage).
Josh and Lolly, I just can't help it but come back to your blog over and over!!!! And I cry every time!!!! Your story is so beautiful!!! I don't even know you but already LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are amazing!!!!!!!!!! You have sure touched the lives of many!!! May God bless your family always!!!! 🙂
If your same sex attraction is only exclusive to men. when enjoining with your wife in the marital embrace, how is it possible for your total self giving that is with your mind, your body, your soul to your wife if same sex attraction is all that enables you for sexual relations?
Are you solely thinking of your wife in that moment or are you only thinking of men?
I only asked this question because in the topic of same-sex attraction so many souls are in the balance.
Thanks for sharing this information. As a Catholic priest, who works with Courage, a Catholic apostolate to help same-sex attracted men and women live chaste lives, it is very encouraging to see a beautiful view on the gift of sex within marriage, based on the whole person, body and soul. May God bless both of you and your children.
Fr. Daniel
I am impressed and intrigued by your story. Your life is about to change and be tested in many ways with a lot of opinions and mean spirited people. Stay strong and keep your loved ones close.
I am grateful for the honesty and candid nature of your post. I think you both have eloquently articulated the thoughts of so many who are struggling with their feelings regarding homosexuality. I know that you have opened a line of communication in my family that was desparately needed. So, thank you. Sincerely, thank you.
I totally applaud your courage to put your story out there. You will hopefully inspire a healthy debate. But…
When I read your story, I just kept thinking there is a lie in there somewhere. Sexuality is central to our definition of self – like gender. How can you deny your primal, sexual attraction to men? Do you have a secret life that you rationalize by telling yourself it's OK because you don't love the man you are having sex with and you love your wife, so it's different and therefor not cheating? I can only conclude that: you aren't gay (so shame on you for lying) or you live a secret life (so shame on you for lying) or you have deeply parsed your definition of self and are lying to your self. You opened this door…so which lie is your lie?
I am also a LDS member who struggles with SSA. I agree that this issue is seriously misunderstood in today's society. I think part of that has to do with labels. Personally, I prefer not to refer to myself as "gay". In my mind that is someone who chooses to act on their desires and live that lifestyle. Since that is something I have chosen not to do or be a part of, I cannot and will not call myself by that label. I am happily married to a good, supportive, and patient woman and we have been blessed with a couple of beautiful kids. We have a very healthy and enjoyable sex life. My wife was unaware of my struggles when we got married, but has since supported me as I've sought counselling and have come to better understand my feelings. In saying that, I must point out that I'm not "fixed" or that I don't have feelings for guys every day. It means that my sexual preference doesn't define or control me. I live the way I feel I should. I live what I feel is right…and it really doesn't matter to me what others think I should or should not do. This is MY life and MY choice just like your life is full of YOUR choices. I have absolutely no respect for people who tell me I have to act a certain way because I have these desires or that I'm harming myself by not doing what my desires tell me to. I know all too well what harms. I have come to see very clearly from my own experience, and from that of other friends and acquaintances, how CHOICE affects OUTCOME. Our agency makes us free to do what we want, but the consequences of our choices are inevitable. Personally, I don't want what's at the end of the "gay" road, so I choose not to follow it. As an excellent life management series says: "I do not just let life happen to me, I take control of my life and live it deliberately!" Hats off to Josh and Lolly, and ALL those who are living what they feel to be right. Keep living your lives deliberately and be happy together!
Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Weed for sharing your story of love, courage and family! I am ever so very impressed you and your family. Your story gave me understanding for a side of life I am otherwise not exposed to nor familiar with. I am sure that this post will be buried in the massive amount of responses that you have received. But I wanted to say thank you. My own issues with Depression, Obsessive Compulsive and Anxiety disorders leave me feeling alone and really not a soul on earth who I can talk to. You gave me a ray of hope that despite my natural tendencies to be frightened and overwhelmed with the simplest of things, I may be able to overcome this and recognize the joy in my life, of which, my mind tells me there is so very much, but I shortfall in recognizing all those amazing things. Your story and blogs, as I have been catching up on, have allowed me to smile, laugh, cry, be confused (I am not the sharpest tool in the shed, so I don’t understand everything), but mostly hope for a day when I will be able share my stories with another, without the fear of judgment and disappointment. I know that I am fortunate. I live in a marvelous country, married to a wonderful man who has served and continues to serves faithfully in church and have beautiful children, therefore I have so much to find joy in… you both have allowed me to say, "One day, I will not hide in secret afraid of what others think of me and of being judged". Mostly, you reminded me that my Savior loves me and wants me to find peace. I see the magnificent blessings in your life as you have followed Heavenly Father’s Plan of Happiness… I guess I needed a reminder that as I continue to follow Gospel Principles and be patient, I will recognize the blessings already present in my life. Thank you both… And, I ditto the sentiment… You Rock!
Hi there 🙂
I am a lesbian from a Christian upbringing but I live completely "out" and in a same-sex relationship. I wanted to offer some words of love and encouragement to you and your family. We all make our choices in life and you seem completely at ease with the ones you have made. You should be very proud. Your honest way of expressing your personal story is incredibly endearing and I hope you get only support and love throughout your journey. I hope I have been a voice of support for you from the LGBT community. Best wish to you and your family! -Lauryn
Josh, I have a question that Im sure alot of people want to know. Have you actually had sex with a man? If not, how do you know being with a woman is really what you want? It seems to me like you are trying to live the life the LDS church wants not what YOU truly want. Your story makes me so sad. I am for Gay people. I believe gay people should be able to get married and have children. You shouldnt have to live a lie by being married to a woman. If you are bi then be Bi Sexual. It sounds to me you are very confused. I feel bad for your wife. Im sure youre a great friend, but she needs a lover.
We appreciate the sentiment to defend. But honestly, having sex with the same sex isn't going to tell him anything he doesn't already know– and admits readily! The truth about human sexuality is very complicated. Around the age of seven I rejected my gender stopped playing with dolls and picked up machine guns and Legos and never went back. I don't know for sure what all what caused this. But it wasn't until after forty and having kids that I became comfortable in my own skin and love being female. I Think I was subjected to very negative messages about women being weak, superficial and catty. I had great parents, but experienced intense peer rejection and was exposed to pornography at an early age. Alot of what helped me overcome this Besides a miracle was being in a group of women of Faith who loved me and listened to me. For the first time in my life I felt feminine. A loving husband wasn't nearly as important to that extreme shift in feelings as the love of friends. Now, I am ready to be loved by my husband! And honestly I didn't know how comfortable femininity could be. The start of my journey was understanding Gods design was the best and my feelings were subject to deception, fickleness, and irrationality. I have found I desperately want things that are not a long term good. I have also found that a huge part of faith is doing things that seem freaking crazy to yourself and to the whole world simply because God asks us to in his Word. I trust in his loving character and I trust in his ability to preserve His Holy Word, and I trust in his omniscience. I don't need a lover as much as I need to be loved. And twenty years of marriage have taught me that passion comes and goes for all people. It is a really difficult walk. It is hard. But in my view, the rear view. It is worth it.
Thank you thank you thank you for posting this blog. What is me poor mum going to say when she finds out I am addicted to The Weed? I identify so much with what you posted. I am the above mentioned formerly awkward lego machine gun girl.
You guys are amazing. I so appreciate your honesty and courage, and your love for each other and the world. The post was articulate and genuine, and I am deeply impressed with how deliberate and thoughtful you've been about the choices you've made, while remaining non-judgmental of those whose choices are different from yours. The world would be a much better place if there were more people like you.
You guys are SO brave. Now your intimate, personal, and sexual lives are out there for everyone to analyze, judge, and comment on. I don't envy you that position. I think the information you put out there could be just what some people need to hear. I kind of wish for your sakes though that it wasn't on a blog that everyone can respond to. No more privacy for you. It's always sickening to me how some people will attack people who are making themselves so vulnerable, and don't honor their privacy and the sacrifice they have made.
brave is being gay and dating a gay guy when your family, your church, and you worry your God will turn their backs on you.
Brave is NOT marrying a woman and lying about it for years and years.
Brave is not staying with that woman.
You guys are ADORABLE!
I know 3 or 4 LDS couples just like you. Thanks for putting it all in such a wonderfully worded way. You may not be good on the phone but you sure have a way with words. We love you!!!
Josh,
Your story is my story. This is so inspiring. I wish I had your courage. My wife is the only one who knows and is supportive of me which is all that really matters. I am very thankful that you wrote this blog and though I know you and Lolly will receive a lot of biggoted criticism, I love you guys and I want to thank you for making me feel less alone in my journey through life…I'm not the only one.
D
Do you believe you were born gay? Why do you think a god would make you gay? Do you really believe that a god would create you gay, only to never experience the kind of shared intimacy you were created with such attractions? How do you reconcile the concept of god(s) that would create gay people, but never ever let them act in love and consent, as their nature compels them?
And since you've put yourself and your story out there… how can you get an erection with someone you feel no sexual attraction to? Surely you at least think about sex with another man when you're having "great sex" with your wife? I don't blame her for crushing on Lionel Richie, having a partner that has never had any attraction to her must be crushing :-
divorce your wife, but stay friends. you like one another.
raise the girls together, they seem wonderful.
both of you should pursue someone you're actually (in real life) attracted to. Not friendly platonic neutered non-real love.
But love; kissing, clawing, howling, profound, mind-blowing love.
People are being awesome to you because they hate gays. they hate gay "lifestyles". and they don't know gay people. You are spreading a myth and expectation that i can only worry will do enormous harm to LGBT people.
and there is no love in that.
But i do wish you both the best. you seem lovely, you almost are assuredly lovely, and i truely hope you are both happy in life….
but this makes me so nervous.
I am sad to see all these mean comments on here. The gay/ lesbian community mad because they "think" is not following his passions. For a community that wants equal rights you sure are not willing to see another way. You are upset now that he choices not to give into an urge? Really? It's all urges just like the urge to have more then one partner. I have seen some gay/lesbian comments that have been support but most have not been. It's sad. I an all for equal right for the gay community but not if I see this kind of reaction from them. Why would I support a community that demands rights but do not uphold others rights as a gay man wanting a heterosexual life. 🙁
Dear Josh and Lolly,
Thank you for sharing your story. May the Lord bless you and help you from this point on to put LOVE in the first place and keep on going with this wonderful story of COMPASSION, COMMUNICATION, COMMITMENT & COMPREHENSION CHOOSING.
Stay blessed,
Remsly
Your story makes me happy for you, for me, for everyone.
I think you two are pretty terrific. I am a bit confused about the language you use to describe your experience. I don't mean to be presumptuous but would a better word (actual definition) for your experience be bisexual vs. gay? I think you might be looking at sexual orientation through the binary lense of gay/straight which leaves out myriad of other people and experiences that are documented and real. I don't know your whole story and maybe these words work for you in a way I just haven't discovered but, this being moot, I'd encourage a wider dialogue. Homosexuality/Gay implies NO attraction to the opposite sex and it appears that you are at lease somewhat attracted to your beautiful wife. I am a gay man, out since my teens, living in SF….(call me a stereotype/I was born here) and don't feel offended as much as confused and want to understand the actual experience you are having, albeit in a nuanced way. I work in SF with a lot of the bisexual community and they are completely left out of any national (again, binary) conversation that occurs. Anyway, you two are great….
Remember people often fear what they don't understand… And I am sure that some won't understand your committment to each other in the face of what our society tells us we should feel (down with playing to the expectations of others!). Your relationship takes commitment, bravery, and trust from both sides. What strength and confidence Lolly must have- both in herself and in the your relationship. I wish every woman, no matter the gender of her partner, was able to have the strength of committment, trust, and love that Lolly has. And dude, God is love. So awesome. I look forward to seeing what happens next on your adventure together.
Josh and Lolli your family is beautiful. I have one concern about #8 in your article stating that their is no incorrect path for gay religious to live although according to God their is only one straight narrow path if you know what I mean. I think you and Loli will be harming many gay and homosexuals if they don't understand that clearly sex was meant only in marriage with a man and woman. Outside of marriage sex is very destructive, including fortification, polygamy etc… I praise God you have controlled your same sex attraction feelings, but telling others their is no incorrect path is going to harm your family and the world. God love you
What a beautiful and loving marriage!
A story I recently read told about a
near death experience. This woman
died and after entering the light, saw
her grandmother. But her grandmother
wasn’t the old, sick woman she had
always known her to be. She was young
and beautiful, with white hair and perfect
features. It wasn’t until she returned to
life and saw a picture of her grandmother
that she realized whom she had seen.
Her grandmother told her one last thing
as they parted……
IT’S ALL ABOUT LOVE
I remember so clearly her beautiful face
I remember the joy I felt in that place;
such love surrounded and filled my soul,
I never remember ever feeling so whole.
There was light beyond measure of any man
and colors from every imaginable span.
I felt such peace come over me there
my burdens were gone, I had not a care.
I wanted to stay for I knew I was home,
at last I had found where I’d not be alone.
But her voice whispered to me so soft and low,
“It is not yet your time, my child you must go.”
Her hand held my own in a loving caress
reminding me then I still had many tests;
but as our hands parted, she said from above,
“My child please remember, it’s all about love.”
© Forrest Phelps-Cook
Thank you for your posts. And thanks for staying strong through the negative comments and still being so loving. I really appreciated your insight about true love and friendship, intimacy, and even sharing vulnerability. It's reminded me of some of the most treasured aspects of my relationship and marriage. (Neither of us have SSA, but the things you discussed are relevant in so many ways.) Your openness has given me inspiration in answer to some of my own relationship struggles. Thanks again.
Alright, so all three of you are cute as can be…your smiling faces and the Tabasco bottle. You need to say, "I'm the boss of you" to your computer and have a vacation. Jeez. And visit me because I am awesome. 😀 Our conversations are diverting too. -Jennie Wagner, Brandisher of Awesome
You must have wonderful parents for you to feel like you could trust them. All of us who are parents can learn from their example. Thanks for sharing your story. It is a story of unconditional love on many levels.
I am struggling with your complex story. As a 62 year-old straight woman with a 35 year-old career in opera, many of my dearest friends are gay. Your story feels like you're living a COMPROMISED life, not a TRUE life. Clearly, I applaud your openness, but I've been married to my husband for 40 years, also my best friend. We happen to be biologically heterosexual. Apparently you are not. I believe your blog is proselytizing religion over true love, true spirit. I know many gays who have children…wonderful, happy families (Iowa CURRENTLY has gay marriage.) So what do you think about gay marriage? How would you feel if gays that are married find themselves "unmarried" if Mitt Romney is elected and states begin to rescind gay rights? I just find it heartbreaking and disingenuous. If you are truly gay I would hope you would help the Morman church find its way to supporting you and others like you, whether they compromise and marry heterosexually or live their true lives and marry homosexually. I hope you have the courage to help other gays. Thank you, Karla
I just discovered your blog today! (Yes, a link from Salt Lake Tribune) I've read your "Club Unicorn" and a few other hilarious posts! (Great work!!)
I just have to say, I applaud you both for your well written words of truth. I am just so inspired and thrilled!! Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by "should and should not" ideas, that just don't sit right. It is unbelievably refreshing to hear your story, and how you are following your hearts.
Peace light and love Weeds!!!!!
Jen Desmond
Love to both of you!!!
I shared your blog with my Facebook network last week but didn't leave you a comment. I figured you would be getting so many comments that I didn't want to be one more that just overwhelmed you. But I need to add my voice and tell you that what you shared was very powerful to me and I am so glad that you both had the courage to go public with your lives. I pray that you will continue to have strength in your marriage, especially with the glare of millions of onlookers and opinions. Your courage gives me courage. I wish I could know you each personally and be your friend.
You guys are so cute, and I'm glad to have read a little bit about your story. Loved the moral of it <3
This site is loaded with help for those who want to live chaste lives according to God's plan. God knows best because he created us male and female to live in his image and procreate in marriage.
3. The Homosexual Inclination is Objectively Disordered: http://couragerc.net/Church_Teaching.html
"Although the particular inclination of the homosexual person is not a sin, it is a more or less strong tendency toward an intrinsic moral evil; and thus the inclination itself must be seen as an objective disorder." CDF Letter, no.3……"The Church says it's not a sin to have such attractions (especially if the erotic element is not willfully cultivated), but it is an objective disorder, a problem."
5. The Church Calls No One "A Homosexual"
"Today, the Church… refuses to consider the person as a "heterosexual "or a "homosexual," and insists that every person has a fundamental identity: the creature of God, and by grace, His child and heir to eternal life." CDF, no.16
The Church won't put a label on anyone. To say someone is "gay" or "lesbian" or a "homosexual" is to define a whole person by just one aspect. It can lock up a person's identity and block further emotional growth. That's just the sort of labeling which gives rise to prejudice and discrimination. The Church stands against any behavior it calls immoral, but always teaches support and respect for the person. Labeling limits and disrespects people
I think his marriage is valid but Josh needs help to understand that these same sex attractions and feelings are not normal as the Church teaches.
Hmmm, You do have a wonky eye don't you. Its not that bad though, not serial killer bad.
I met you guys at the Nelson's 4th of July get-together – how adorable are you two! You're inspirational and a darling couple. Love your story and that you found the courage to share it =)
Thanks for your courage. Love takes all forms.
The two of you are bright lights in this world.
I truly believe we are living in a time of a spiritual and celestial speed up!
People's hearts are opening more than ever thanks to spirits such as yours.
I think you guys are truely and inspiration I love you guys ! You have opened my eyes to the person that I love so much ! Your post was meant to come to me I needed to read this post I love you guys ! <3