Recently we were getting ready to go home after church, and Tessa did what she tries to do every single week as we’re about to leave the chapel: she escaped my grasp and started full-fledge running around the entire building like a wild, ferocious wildebeest.

I made the mistake of trying to chase her. This resulted in the two of us running around the entire building, she like a wild, ferocious wildebeest, and I like a lame, biped lion stumbling around hoping to accidentally fall on her to make her stop running.

Before long I realized something ominous. She had completely disappeared. I got Lolly in on the hunt, and we sent Anna around to look for Tessa too.

We searched, but to no avail. Eventually, as we regrouped, we were relieved when Anna showed up with Tessa in tow. But there was a problem. Tessa wasn’t wearing pants.

The following conversation ensued:

Lolly: Tessa, where are your pants?

Tessa: I went pee pee in the potty!

Lolly: Well… good job Tessa, I guess. But where are your pants?”

Tessa: By the toilet.

This was not a good development. It’s one thing to have a child running around the halls of the building like a wildebeest on crystal meth. It’s another matter entirely when that wildebeest on crystal meth decides to go pee pee in the potty without supervision of any kind.

Immediately Lolly took Tessa over to the closest women’s bathroom to retrieve her clothes. She went into the bathroom and, as it turns out, there were no pants by the toilet.

Lolly: Your pants aren’t here, sweetie. Where is they?

Tessa: Not in this bathroom. In the other bathroom.

Suddenly Lolly’s fears began to mount.

Lolly: Which other bathroom??

Tessa pulled Lolly’s hand and led her to the men’s bathroom.

Of course.

Lolly opened the door (I was waiting at the front of the chapel with the other kids at this point). “Hello!?” she yelled. When there was no answer, she walked in, and there it was: Tessa’s little pair of pants in the middle of the floor. Of the men’s bathroom.

Lolly, of course was horrified. But not as horrified as she was two seconds later when, as she picked up the pants from the floor, she heard Tessa exclaim “I used this potty!”

And when she looked up, this was what she saw:

Wildebeests are famous for using urinals. Especially potty training wildebeests.

And that’s when we called a HAZMAT team to bring Tessa home and sterilize her entire body.

We learned so many lessons this day!

Pro-tip #1: Do not let your three-year-old run around a building unsupervised.

Pro-tip #2: Do not let your three-year-old go pee pee unsupervised.

Pro-tip #3: Do not let your three-year-old go pee pee in the men’s bathroom. Because she will use a urinal. Presumably by sitting on it.


Parent of the century award? You betcha!!!!