Top 10 thoughts I have while I’m on a diet:

10. On day two, looking in the mirror: “Wait, that can’t be my body! I’m a skinny person now!”

9. “I don’t care what anybody says. Fruit is not a ‘delicious dessert.'”

8. “Does a Snicker’s count as a protein bar?”

7. “I didn’t lose weight this week. Must be muscle weight.”

6. “Tofu tastes like plastic if plastic were made of boring and cheese curd.”

5. “Eating half-mangled food off my kids’ plates means it doesn’t have any calories.”

4. “I would snap my left pinky bone with a nut-cracker for a bowl of Haagen Dazs.”

3. “Mmmmm! Water is nature’s soft drink!”

2. “Wow, I ran two miles. That means I get a snack! *eats 4,000 calories in one sitting*”

And finally,

1. “Whew. Those were the hardest four days of my life.”