Ten reasons I still haven’t lost those last 20 pounds…

Ten reasons I still haven’t lost those last 20 pounds

10. I’m just big boned.

9. Yeah, like I really want to have to buy a whole new wardrobe! (Said no gay man, ever.)

8. It’s been really cold out–way too cold to run. On my treadmill.

7. So… these:

 Stock up now… these things don’t last all year.

6. And, well, also these:

Oh, hello there.
(That apple in the background? Been there for WEEKS.)

5. Also, I’d like to cordially introduce you to:

I just ruined your life. You’re welcome.

4. It’s all muscle weight, guys. Lots and lots of lean muscle. On my abdomen.

3. Stress eating. Or eating when I’m sad. Or excited. Or bored. Or sad that I’m bored. Or bored with being sad. Or watching TV. Or breathing.

2. Sometimes my “free day” (Fridays) turns into “free days” which then devolves into a “free weekend.” And when I say *sometimes* I actually mean *every time a week contains a Friday, followed by a Saturday then a Sunday.*

and final reason I still haven’t lost those last 20 pounds?

1. Elephantitis. Probably.


  1. I think my list is very close but I have one to add for me. I just started a new job that is very physical and had to up my calories because I was not eating enough and it was messing up my blood sugars…darn diabetes, making me stay fat…

  2. Hahaha. I know you really don't want a new wardrobe because that involves shopping. Don't you hate shopping? I'm saying my 20 lbs are from thinking I can be responsible with cookies or candy and finding out I can't, 15 times.

  3. Each breast weighs 10 pounds.
    We don't want to mess with that, right? Right?

    Or… As my Papa used to say… (I feel like comment moderation will keep this FYEO, but its hilarious. So I have to share).

    "10 pounds of swinging meat, and a bucket o'balls, and you call me BOY???"

    – Grey!

  4. Technical difficulties:

    My scale isn't quite accurate
    My dryer shrank these pants
    Someone adjusted my car's seat fwd
    Really, the seatbelt is just caught on something


  5. THEY MAKE THEM IN MEGA!!!!!! *head explodes* I have been in Canada too long! And yes, we have 'Oreo's here, but they are not the same. I stock up and my mom sends them to me too. Bless her!

  6. Why yes, that Dulce de Leche Hรคagen-Dazs DID totally ruin my life. Unless it turns out not be available in Canada, in which case I may just waste away from longing. Drool

  7. hahahahaha ~I love you Josh weed. And your wife equally! Um…I too have twenty to loose. Had my fifth in nine years seven months ago. Not afraid to get pregnant with number six at this point. I've learned to take care of myself through all the craziness of being married to a military man and moving all over the country.

  8. I have been looking in all the stores ever since I found out they have mega stuff oreos. I can't find them anywhere. I imagine that if I came to Seattle to get a Weed fix those would be good for snacking.

  9. Josh, I had to go buy Prilosec OTC today and I never have heartburn unless I'm pregnant but I've had it like crazy the last couple days and that's making me wonder if my food baby is a real baby and if I could end up on one of those TLC shows I NEVER KNEW I WAS PREGNANT (Wouldn't that add a fun element to my current situation? I wonder if TLC would pay me a lot of money to be on that show.)
    More likely it's the fact that I have just been eating really crappy. And yet, right now I'm thinking about this package of baby back ribs that I bought from Costco (or as some people say, Costcos) and wanting to heat them up for dinner tonight. They would be so yummy with some potatoes loaded with bacon, cheese, sour cream, etc.
    Maybe I could crumble up some Prilosec and throw that on the potatoes too.
    So in other words, no advice here. Still using food to feel my emotions as an alternative to tequila. When I put it that way, it makes me sound pretty good doesn't it?

  10. Ahahaha! Just came back from a morning run, so feeling pretty superior here ๐Ÿ˜›
    Love this post, so hilarious!

  11. Pa ha!!! ๐Ÿ˜€ I love it! I got lucky because they stopped the production of Twinkies but now that they're coming back in summer….So long diet!!! Boo ya! ๐Ÿ˜€

  12. I love the mini eggs and would always go crazy around Easter until this year. Don't get me wrong, I have still consumed a Sam's Club sized bag myself this month, but I haven't had the urge to go back for more. Two things have cured the desperateness of my longing. First, Cadbury did a red and green Christmas version of them. Second, the store by my house put the mini eggs out obscenely early this year – like mid-January. As much as I love them, a HUGE part of it for me was the rare specialness they had. I would look forward to Easter candy all year and gorge to get my fill for the year. Now, it's as pointless as buying Disney paraphernalia online or from a Disney store… without going to Disneyland. The very status of owning Disney stuff has lost all its specialness. This is what Cadbury has done to my precious mini eggs. Devalue them. Honestly, Iโ€™m not sure whether to curse them or thank them for it.

  13. Is this a bad place to mention I can't gain weight even when I try, weigh between 110-115, don't do well with sugar (i still have Christmas candy and gave most of mine away), and am a vegetarian?…..yeah I'm THAT person. The one you glare at when they say they feel fat after eating a meal that makes their tummy bulge for about 2 hrs before it magically disappears.

    I usually feel guilty about mentioning anything. But i'm going to take a new approach and gloat over my thin, thin body. Mwahahaha! Don't worry, karma will probably catch up with me soon enough anyways. Seriously though, completely joking. I wouldn't do that… I'm just loopy from food poisoning and female pains….see Karma's already here.

  14. Hilarious! I loved the caption on the mini Haagen Dazs(sp?). Actually, though, you ruined my life with the Mega Stuffed Oreos. I heretofore had no idea that those existed. Watch out…

  15. Josh you are so funny! I bet that sense of humor that you have has carried you through the hard times. Life is very hard at times, laughing makes it bearable!

  16. I'm so glad the mini-eggs were on the list. I can't find them at my grocery store in big bags, just little snack size bags, so that is an excuse to eat 10 of them – 'cause they are just a snack. Right?

  17. Oh my goodness Josh. Look at the size of that Dulce de Leche! It's like a shot glass. It also reminds me of this goofy Kids in The Hall comedy sketch from the 90s (and from Canada). Shoot! I can't link it.

  18. Hahaha!…..he does. But let's not mention that to Josh. I think he has some sort of body dismorphibia (or some such. I totally made up that term. Maybe he'll link us to the hilarious post he did on that!). But really, if he isn't hiring a hand model for his photos, he has great hand (s) and feet (foot).

  19. I just finished reading through the last year of your blog. I was linked to your coming out post and got interested. I love your unique situation and your take on it, the incredibly diplomatic way you deal with really touchy issues, and of course your humor.

    I wanted to mention something that resonated with me, which is your struggles identifying with masculinity and male bonding. I have always felt like a bit of an effeminate male in the kind of things I enjoy doing, some of my values, and some habits. When I was younger this was something I was unaware of, then self-conscious of. Over time I have found myself rejecting what our culture says is masculine. Why do we put men and women in a box and say that this is what you are supposed to be like? By accepting myself for being masculine in my own way, it has been a huge help to my confidence in interacting with other men and has made friendships easier, as they accept me for who I am, not who I'm trying to be.

  20. This post made me laugh. Also, I will always think of you guys when I have HD Dulche de Leche ice-cream…which has been like once since we moved to AZ…but now I think I "need" to buy some. (On my free day of course…which, now that I'm 6 pounds away from my goal weight is kind of turning into free days. I can relate.)

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