Tuesday’s Top Ten–Things never to say to a gay Mormon guy

Get it? Ten?

Top ten things never to say to a gay Mormon guy:

10. I have this awesome girl I want to set you up with. And you’re gay, so you won’t care what she looks like…

9. (If you’re a guy friend): so, does you being gay mean you have a crush on me?

8. (If you’re a girl friend): so, does you being gay mean you have a crush on my boyfriend/husband/brother?

7. (Any friend): so, does you being gay mean you have a crush on Ryan Gosling?

6. You just haven’t been kissed by the right girl yet…

5. Why don’t you date more?

4. Any utterance involving the words “Adam” and “Steve”.

3. Are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?

2. Why aren’t you married yet?

And, finally,

1. I think you’ll make a great ministering angel…

Can you think of any others???


    1. Oh my goodness! Someone went off on me about this today. "I think one "pray the gay away". If one truly applies the atonement they can change so yeah." My sassy response to that "And how would one apply the Atonement in such a way? Please enlighten me because I haven't figured it out in 10 years of trying."

      GAHH! Still fuming inside about it!

  1. As a (straight) female ex-evangelical with gay friends, I have unfortunately heard all of the above, plus some:

    11) Did something….bad….happen to you as a kid?

    12) Oh, yeah, I know a guy who used to be gay, but God, like, TOTALLY delivered him from that and now he's straight and married with kids and obviously likes women now.

    13) How does that even work? You can't plug a spark-plug into another spark-plug; 't'ain't natural. (I live in an area with a lot of rednecks, mind you)

    14) I'm all about having grace and compassion for people who are struggling with sin, but…I just don't know how I feel about letting THAT into our community; I mean, do we really want to expose our children to that sort of thing?

    15) Would you mind coming over to decorate my house?!?!??

    (I could do this all day)

    1. OMG the spark plug thing is annoying to gay mormons and non-mormans. Regardless of if being gay is right or wrong, human sexuality is more complex than electricity.

  2. I just want to thank you for being so open and honest on your blog. I am/was having a tough time with the Church's view of gay people and why the shouldn't get married and find love. Why they shouldn't adopt children. After talking with my husband last night I remembered your blog and the love you found with your beautiful wife. It helped put things in perspective for me that yes, you have the desire towards men but you did find true love with a woman. It was probably more difficult for you to find someone that you loved of the opposite sex but it happened. (More difficult than a straight person). So thank you for your blog. I hope nothing I said here was offensive.

    1. Stephanie, Remember that Josh and Lolly were close friends for a very long time. I think that relationship is core to everything they have done together. They, to me, are an example of real love, true intimacy. Their marriage seems to me to have been a natural evolution of their relationship. I don't think Josh has ever espoused mixed orientation marriage as a solution to the masses.

      I may be posting as anonymous, not sure I do this right from my phone. -shelli g.

    2. Please, remember too that there are many men who love (or would love, if given the chance) their husbands, and women who love (or would love, if given the chance) their wives, every bit as deeply and beautifully as Josh loves Lolly. And if they're members of your church, they are hearing the same messages as you are.

  3. 16) Hey – we're all over there talking about the recent news on Boy Scouts considring letting gays in, and we're all talking about you!

    (On the off chance that #16 is actually ok to say, well, that's kind of what's happening. The argument is whether a celibate homosexual can, as things stand now, be involved in scouting. Any comments or experiences?)

    1. Ugh, I have been "talking" about this issue on facebook and there is so much ugliness and ignorance amongst my friends about this. I was going to ask Josh for some suggestions on how to have meaningful, eye-opening conversations with people who are just so ignorant that there are active gay members of the church that have no hidden agenda, and that the boy scout thing is not the end of the world.

  4. Wow…. It's like asking a lawyer for the best lawyer jokes. Every one of these comments makes me cringe for the poor recipients (hypothetical and real).

  5. SO agree w/ 11-15.

    17) But you're such a sweet spirit!

    18) So… is it… well.. /safe/ to let you be around my kids? (Or worse yet, "/alone/ with my kids."

    19) (To any gay person, Mormon or not): "Are you SURE?" 😛

  6. SO agree w/ 11-15.

    17) But you're such a sweet spirit!

    18) So… is it… well… /safe/ for you to be around my kids? (Or worse yet, "/alone/ w/ my kids?"

    19) Are you SURE? 😛

    1. I don't know….personally I think he's overrated….that's not saying much though. I thought the same thing about brad pitt back when people were gagga for him.

      It's also how I learned I'm generally not attracted to blondes. I don't know the lit of things not to say to a gay mormon….but that's definitely something I learn you don't say to a blonde.

      also…I know #10 is still probably serious. But I'm not going to lie I cracked up laughing. I'm pretty sure I don't have a normal response to some offensive questions/statements. I'm very likely to laugh in their face. You know, to emphasize how stupid their question sounds out loud.

      ….Tact was never my forte. But it's seriously effective.

    2. Ok, I did a Google image search on Ryan Gosling, aaaaaaandd….he's not THAT good looking. Seriously. I think Zac Efron is THE most.good-looking…and I'm attracted to women!

    3. Ok, I did a Google image search on Ryan Gosling, aaaaaaandd….he's not THAT good looking. Seriously. I think Zac Efron is THE most.good-looking…and I'm attracted to women!

  7. "Are you sure?" is a good one. So far my favorite is "You're just confused," occasionally phrased as a question. "You could still get married" is annoying, and variations thereupon; it's true in principle, of course, but tiresome that people always think of that right out of the gate. Less irksome are the comments from (usually non-Christian) friends who wish to establish that they're totally okay with me and support my right to get married to a man, without first finding out whether I support it, too. :/ My least favorite is, no joke, "Hey, sodomite, come back here, I'm not done talking to you." That particular preacher was quite the charmer. Also worth banning is "Love the sinner, hate the sin."

  8. I think most of these aren't appropriate to say to anyone, regardless of their orientation or religion! Haha how many times did I hear "Why aren't you dating more?" or "Why aren't you married yet?" And I think everyone has been asked "Team Edward or Team Jacob" Heaven help us. I think the ministering angel one is probably the most terrible though, who would say that to anyone. Ever. For any reason. Rude.

  9. Hmmmmm…..

    so I need to head up and apologize to my son?

    I just asked him YESTERDAY if he was team edward or team jacob.

    I'm not even kidding. Twilight is a long running joke between us and we both laughed at the time…. now I'm feeling insecure!

    1. If it's been established as a joke between you guys already, you're probably good; but if you really are worried, you're unlikely to hurt his feelings by asking him, "So, did I make you uncomfortable or annoy you or anything when I said …"

      Also, ew. Ewan McGregor (in any role) all the way, forget Trevor Lautner *and* Robert Pattinson.

    2. Oops… I should have been more clear.
      I am not really worried at all. I know he wasn't offended in the least.
      I just thought it was awesome that it showed up on the list today 😉

      Thanks, Gabriel, for being willing to offer advice and suggestions. Heaven knows that I need it!!

  10. # So I bet your mission was just wall to wall sex, right? Right?

    # Your poor wife

    # Do you think that's fair to your kids?

    # Which reparative therapist did you use?

    # How can you KNOW you're being true to yourself unless you… You know.

    # So how often do you get tested for STDs?

    #.5 I have a brother/uncle/cousin who's gay! I'll give you his number. You two would make SUCH a cute couple!!!

    # That's perfect! You should date my sister. She's a lesbian. So you'll never have to have sex. Like, ever!

    # Well, there's always porn & masturbation.

    -Grey 😛

  11. "First off why are we talking about this… just wondering?"

    " Why are you so hyper focused on being gay?? There's more to life then that.."

    "Your constant talk about this is eventually going to get you to fall, it's just a matter of time"

    "I love gay men"

    can't think of anymore…

  12. What a silly list. If you're gay, of COURSE you are Team Jacob, and of course you have a crush on Ryan Gosling. These things are just a given. It's, like, the universally accepted law of nature.

    1. Yes. Yes they do.
      – Viv
      (Because I don't NEED to be anonymous; I just don't know how to do it any other way. Please don't mock me)

  13. – "Ty Mansfield must totally be your hero.''
    '' Sex is not important later in marriage anyway.''
    "by not masturbating, you can totally control your homosexual thoughts.''

  14. I just had to comment on this one because it reminds me of things people say to me all the time even though I'm not gay–I am however transsexual. I could make a very similar list (in fact people sometimes ask me these questions), but I have to admit the questions people usually ask me tend to be much more tasteless than these.

  15. Where does gayness come from, and how is it transmitted?
    What is it called when two men intertwine penises? Is it called redvining?
    Where are gay mens' vaginas?
    When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis?

  16. I'll add any and all comments that combine gender stereotyping with being gay. Such as "are you gay because you like ballet, art, shopping"….etc

  17. to a 13 year old boy who just came out… ,"Those feelings you're having are not YOU. You are not like that, and you can choose to not have those feelings."

    Those words really scarred me- and ruined a lot of my life thus far.

  18. Just the thought of the top one would send me into ranting fits while driving in my car, until I realized (time after time) that I wasn't in fact mad at anyone, hahaha!

    The worst is when they say nothing and you can just tell that they are combing over every situation ever had in the friendship, making all the memories into awkward moments.

  19. Kinda off topic, but since it was mentioned here… would you give some advice to those of us who are having conversations about the BSA issue and finding that many members of the church have ignorant and ridiculous beliefs about SSA and gay members of the church. I had an entire conversation with a relative who believes somehow our children are at risk with gay leaders. How can we use these discussions as a positive influence to help members understand and be more accepting of lds members who are gay and active (hopefully without smacking stupid people or just staying quiet when the "them and us" comments start)?

  20. I've read a lot of your posts. Amazing. While this may be personal, you don't have to answer. Or maybe an answer in private because I'm going through something similar. Do you have an arrangement where you can indulge in the male body?

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