This evening as we waited for Lolly to finish her maternal duties and get dinner on the table (whilst barefoot, wearing an apron, and humming the hymns of the pioneers, of course):
Anna: Dad, what’s that one story about a lady who talks to a king in the scriptures? Not Esther. But another lady?
Anna: Uh, I don’t know. What happens in that story.
Me (without thinking it through): It’s the one where, one night, two women are sleeping with their babies, and during the night, one of the babies dies…
Anna and Viva: *gasp in horror*
Me: Um, you know what, now that I think about it, it probably wasn’t that story that you were thinking of…
Anna: But what happened to the baby, Daddy? Now you have to tell us. What happened? Tell us the story…
Me: Uh, well… so, the baby that died passed away because it was smothered in the night by its mom…
Anna: What does it mean to smother a baby?!
Me: So… it just means that the mommy accidentally pressed up against the baby in a way that made the baby not breathe, so the baby died.
Anna and Viva: *horrified silence*
Me: It was an accident.
Anna: …and why did the lady talk to Solomon?
Me: Oh, um. So, the lady whose baby died was very sad. And she stole the other lady’s baby. So the other lady had them all go to King Solomon because he was very wise and he would help them solve the problem. He would figure whose baby it really was.
Anna: What did Solomon do?
Me: Okay so… what he did was really tricky… he was a really good man, and he did something tricky…
Anna: What? What did he do?
Me: …he told the ladies that he would cut the baby in half.
*both girls recoil in shock*
Me: But he didn’t do it! He just said he would so that the lady that was wasn’t the baby’s mom would say “yes, cut the baby in half!” and the baby’s mom would say “give it to the other woman” and that way he knew that she was really the mom… he was never going to actually cut the baby in half…
Viva: I really, really don’t like that story, Daddy.
Me: But he figured out which one was the real mother. So it ended up being okay.
Anna: Except for the lady that made her baby die in the night.
Me: Well, yeah… except for for her…
Moral: The Bible has some messed up stories that you forget are messed up until you tell them to children, and then the horrified look on their faces reminds you.
Also, weird tidbit: a few minutes later, Anna asked “Daddy, is there a movie to that story. Because I wanna watch it!” Not sure what to make of this development. But coming from the girl who wanted Bambi nuggets, it should come as no surprise…