opportunity to speak to you all today.
many people who did not want me to be
here today, let alone be participating, let
alone be one of the keynote speakers at Circling the Wagons..
hope this talk illustrates them fully.
apologize. I want you to know that I am incredibly sorry for, and incredibly
troubled by, the ways in which my story has been used to hurt, pressure, and
belittle fellow gay Mormons.
I saw a post on a Facebook page that opens up dialogue around sexual issues,
mainly for LDS youth. Recently they had a poster ask a question about being
same sex attracted, and I kid you not, in the 150 or so responses, the link to
my blog post last June was shared at least four times. We’re talking four times in the same thread.
lot. And sometimes people are sharing it with messages that are very well
meaning, but that belittle the decision-making process of their love ones. This is a problem.
sharing my story as they say extremely devastating things to their children and
siblings. One of the most heartbreaking to me was when I heard of one family
who sent my blog post to their gay loved one saying “When you use your agency
to make the decision to live righteously like this man, we will welcome you
back into our family. Don’t contact us again until then.”
I say: please stop. Please consider
the love you have for your gay loved one. You read one story of one man living
one authentic life, and you are using that as a weapon to dissect your family.
You are using that story, that one anecdote,
as the condition upon which you will love
since the day I wrote my post. It goes against the very essence of what family
is. That kind of message is the
complete opposite of unconditional love. That’s why when I was presenting at Evergreen International a month or so
ago, I said the following to that group of mostly believing LDS gay people: “If
someone is pressuring you to marry heterosexually saying that they think this
is the ‘answer’ for you or will ‘fix’ you, they are likely motivated by fear
instead of love and don’t actually
have your best interest, or the best interest of a potential spouse, in mind .
. . please don’t weigh yourself
down with that expectation for yourself if it is something you don’t want for
your own future. Marriage to the opposite sex might not be a part of your
journey here in life, and that’s okay.” I continued, “If someone is using my
story to pressure you to get married, I want you to tell them ‘I heard Josh
Weed, from his own mouth, say he thinks you should back off!’ Draw your boundary. This decision is
between you and God. Period.”
story being used in a derogatory and disrespectful way, feel free to say “I
heard Josh Weed out of his own mouth say not to try to use his story to
pressure others to make the choices he has made. Doing that is the opposite of unconditional love.”
where they have felt my story used against them in some way, I want you to tell
me, if you feel comfortable, so that I can personally apologize to you. Email
me. Your emails will get highest priority. You need to know that I love you,
and God loves you, and you worthy of love no
know something about unconditional love. I want to share two ways in which I’ve
learned about this very complex concept.
He loves sports. He likes cars. To
cope with the devastation he feels as he watches his wife, my mom, slowly die
of Early Onset Alzheimer’s, he decided to fulfill one of his fondest, life-long
dreams—a dream I wasn’t expecting. He bought a huge, expensive motorcycle.
to make him the perfect father for me to have as a gay kid growing up in a
teacher and he’s currently the Institute director at Portland State University,
he got his Master’s degree in social work where he specialized in marriage and
family counseling. This gave him some tools.
the concept of unconditional love.
downstairs to my bedroom. I lay down on my bed, as nervous as I was, and he sat
across from me, listening. I said, “Dad, I need to tell you that I’m gay.”
situation. He did not cringe. He did not berate me or get angry. He did not
tell me things like “you feel this way now, but maybe that will change” or “I
think this is just a phase.” He did not question me or what I was saying. He believed me. And then he asked some
questions and he listened to me. And
then, as he stood in the doorway while the conversation came to a close, he
said something that lodged itself into my subconscious permanently and served
as the basis for all of my future life decisions. He said “I want you to know,
Josh, that whatever you decide to do with your life and your future, your mom
and I will love you. No matter what. Period.”
unconditional love. That is a
reaction of love and concern and respect, and not of fear. As it turns out, it
was that reaction—that assurance that he would love me no matter what—that
allowed me the liberty to truly explore my options. I was given an absolute
gift at that early age. I knew that no
matter what I chose, I would be acceptable. I would be loved. I would be
just as integral a part of the Weed family as I ever was. It was this
assurance, ironically, that allowed me to explore my options thoroughly enough
to decide what I wanted for
myself. It gave me permission to choose what I myself wanted for my life.
never give your gay loved one a better gift than to assure them that they will
be loved no matter what. It will give them the freedom to choose for themselves
what path they want for their own life. It will allow them to make that choice untethered
by impossible responsibility of choosing something that will “allow” their
family to love them. Choices made for approval or love often lead to disastrous
I decided on after years and years of thinking and praying and questioning and
doubting and, ultimately, believing. It was my authentic, eyes-wide-open choice
to marry my wife. And my wife, whom I’d known for my entire life, had the same
luxury—the opportunity to choose to
marry me understanding all of what that meant. In the final analysis it was
this gift—the gift of knowledge and the gift of choice—that allows my marriage
to work so well. We wanted each other. We
wanted this life. We love each other. We chose it, eyes-wide-open, because we
love each other and we love god, and we felt He has blessed us with each other.
The true irony here, and the thing that I think is most interesting, is that
I’m quite positive—knowing my personality—that if I had been pressured and
pushed and prodded to do this or that, I probably would have pushed back. I
would have either never chosen this life for myself at all, or may have chosen
it under false pretenses, thinking it would change me or alter me, or thinking
it was the only way to gain approval. A marriage founded on such assumptions
would be difficult to maintain.
love is much more recent. As a gay man, I haven’t had the opportunity to have a
lot of deep, lasting, meaningful friendships with guys. A lot of that had to do
with my fears about what guys would think if I outed myself to them. I held my
friends at arms length, not allowing myself to be vulnerable, out of the fear
that they wouldn’t accept me. What I didn’t realize, was that in doing this, I
was not experiencing actual friendship. I wasn’t giving anyone the opportunity
to know me for who I really am, and then choose
to accept me. I was missing out, I discovered, on a crucial part of life:
emotional connection with other men.
year-and-a-half ago, though, I stepped past that fear, one-on-one with a
straight guy. I sat in his home office and I outed myself for the first time to
a guy I really looked up to and admired. Someone I would normally have never
shared this part of myself with out of a deep fear of rejection. I took that
step off the plank, that leap of faith, completely unsure of how I would be
received, and expecting at the core of myself to be rejected.
the first time in my life, I felt completely accepted by a guy—a guy who knew
everything about me. It was liberating. It was lifechanging. It’s part of what
planted the seeds of yearning to out myself to my broader circle as well, which
last June led to my writing a blog post intended principally for my Facebook
friends, and… well we know what happened there. The post exploded all over the
Internet and now here we all sit, together.
I learned about unconditional love during the course of this friendship. About
a year ago, this friend of mine told me that, after years of internal struggle,
he had decided to leave the Mormon church. I was devastated. I ached for him,
for his family. From the perspective of my world-view, this felt like a
perilous decision. One that would have lasting consequences. I am not going to
lie to you guys, my initial reaction was one I am not proud of. I reacted in
fear. I wanted to control my friend. I wanted to make him see things the way I saw them because my concern for him
and his future ran so deep. I had some exchanges with him that I am not proud
that, because it allowed me the room I needed to learn one of the most
important lessons of my life. I learned that to try to choose his path for him
was incredibly disrespectful, hurtful and wrong. I learned that the only responsibility I had to my friend
was to love him and respect his decision. I learned in a visceral way what
Christ was saying when he said “judge not” and when he said “love your brother
like unto yourself.” I learned that it was not my job to judge him or condemn
him for his choices—people make all kinds
choices, and we simply don’t
have the capacity to comprehend all that goes into them—and I learned that it
wasn’t my job to try and control his life because it is his life. Finally, I learned, maybe for the first time in my 32
years, how to love someone independent
of the choices they make. This guy wasn’t my best friend because of his life choices. This guy was my best friend
because I love and respect who he is as a human being independent of his life choices.
to finally “get it.” Because of this experience, when I did write that blog
post that outed me to what now seems like the entire universe, I articulated
what I hope beyond all hope deadens the grenades lobbed at the gay members of
the church whose families are like “Hey, you need to do it this way” as they share my story.
you know and love somebody who is gay and LDS (or Christian), your job is to
love and nothing more. Let go of your impulse to correct them or control them
or propel them down the path you think is right for them. Do what you need to
do to move past that impulse. Do not condemn the choices your loved one
makes. Love. Only love. Show your love in word and deed. Embrace them, both
literally and figuratively. I promise they need it—and they need to feel like
they can figure out this part of themselves in a safe way without ridicule and
judgment. It’s what Christ would do. It’s what your loved one needs. Accept
them. Love them. Genuinely and totally.
. . . You will never,
ever give your gay loved one a better gift than to love and accept them for who
they are, right now, no matter what, period. The friends and family who did
that for me (at varying points in my journey, including very recently) are
cherished and will go down in the history of my life as the people that truly
loved me, and as true Christians who helped me on my path.
such clarity had I not had this experience with my best friend. I’m very
thankful, in many ways, for his friendship.
and believe. I believe we are here, together, for a reason. I think God is the
grand orchestrator of all good things. I think this moment—us, here in this
room, in this very instant—you breathing, listening, tapping your foot, or
reading or hearing this on the Internet—none of this is accidental. We are here
at this moment with our own yearnings. And some of our yearnings are for the
same exact things. For peace and for love. For understanding.
circle our wagons together. Let’s listen, really
listen, to one another. Let’s embrace each other for the commonality of our
yearnings and let’s respect each other for the differences in our individual
choices. I think, and you can correct me if I’m wrong, that we all yearn for
some fundamental things.
We yearn for our gay loved ones to feel accepted
by their families.
We yearn for our gay loved ones to feel accepted
in LDS chapels if they choose to attend, and by the broader LDS culture if they
We yearn, deeply, all of us, for the suicides to
finding the common ground we all share, we can build safe places for the people
we love. Viewing each other as allies, we can do exactly what this conference
is about: we can build. We can build
bridges and we can build safe havens. We can build relationships of love and
understanding, and we can build friendships that aren’t contingent upon people
making the life choices we have chosen for ourselves. We can build a dialogue
that is constructive and helpful. We can build support that is comprehensive
and catches all of God’s gay children here on earth, no matter what they think
or believe, in order to let them know that, no matter who they are, no matter
what they have chosen, no matter whom they love or what they have done, they are adored by a God who made them and
loves them and wants to commune with them every single day.
within ourselves to tear down our own biases and prejudices and simply love. In
doing so, we will get farther than we could ever get alone. I am here for you.
I love you. I want to be of help in any way I can. I want to be your friend.
us the true example of how to love