Hi, friend.

First of all, thank you so much for pointing out where Viva had disappeared to. I was really distracted and when I turned around and noticed she was gone my brain immediately short-circuited and went to the following headline: GAY MORMON MARRIED MAN WHO RECENTLY CAME OUT LOSES DAUGHTER AT MALL BECAUSE HE’S TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE AND SHOULDN’T BE A PARENT. OBVIOUSLY HE SHOULD HAVE PARTNERED WITH A MAN. AND THEN CHOSEN NOT TO ADOPT.

But anyway, while I have you here, I wanted to defend and minimize explain a few things you might have noticed in my behavior while I was busy not remembering that people actually recognize me in public places these days.

First off, when I got angry with the old man who was setting up for a photo-shoot by the carousel, I need you to understand that it was the second time he had gotten mad at Tessa for crossing an invisible barrier he created directly on the path to the carousel.  Here’s a diagram:

I’m pretty confident this diagram is extremely helpful. Also, not sure if you realized how good I am at graphic art… but yeah. Breathtaking. (You can see some of my other work here or here. Also, If you’re interested in my help with an invitation or a card or some other graphicy thing, my services are for hire. Call me *does air-phone*)

I needed him to know that if he wants to do a photo shoot in a mall, that’s totally fine. But if he wants to do a photo shoot in a mall where no children cross an invisible line into the “off limits” section, setting up said shoot directly in front of the carousel is a very, very bad idea. I don’t know if he’s met a child before, but the formula goes something like this: child sees carousel, child experiences adrenaline rush leading to near-cardiac-arrest, child runs full throttle towards the carousel in a direct line without consideration of invisible barriers or one pink “caution” sign arbitrarily placed upon said invisible barrier. Yelling at my child for doing this is pointless. A one-year old will not learn how to not have this response to a carousel. The same rule applies but is not limited to: Chuck E. Cheese, toy stores, Grandpas, large stuffed animals, any Disney character anywhere, and busily trafficked roads. This is part of growing up as a human.

Second, when you saw me scratching my nose, I was really just scratching my nose. I didn’t mean to have to flick. Accidents happen.

Third, I washed my hands.

(Fourth, no I didn’t.)

Fifth, doesn’t everybody let their children crawl along the railing of a flight of stairs in the mall, even where the drop-off would probably break a bone? No? Okay, well, now we know! I think we’ve all learned an important lesson today! How very valuable! *The NBC “The more you know” logo chimes in the background*

Sixth, when you saw me actually lose my child, a few factors were in place that I am making up explain that phenomenon. First, Lolly had been in Claire’s exchanging headbands for, like, a really long time. Second, that was the second time she went in there and that place is like a Time Vaccum for the mother of three little girls. Third, my ADD has really been acting up lately and I was distracted by deep and profound thoughts such as “Look! Carousel! *resists urge to b-line past the invisible barrier*” and “How many children do I have again?” and “I hate shopping so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so much.” (<—Totally ironic because I’m gay, amiright?)

Anyway, you can see why when you approached me after pointing out Viva had disappeared into an automated photo booth, I probably seemed a little sheepish. But I wanted you to know that I really appreciated you saving Viva’s life, and that I actually really enjoyed that you came up and talked to me, and also thanks a lot for reading my blog.

Yours affectionately,

The Weed