Wife likes to watch crime shows.

She doesn’t like me around when she watches her programs because she says I get too snooty about them. She’s probably right.

I don’t mean to get snooty. It’s just that for some of those shows (NCIS!) the characters are really unbelievable to me, and the plot-turns seem very contrived, and the dialogue feels like it was lifted from scraps thrown out of a community college screenwriting class. The scraps written by the students that got F’s. Stuff that’s really contrived and over-explanatory. Like some young cheerleader is being interviewed, and she’s all “I don’t want to answer your questions, officer. I am a slutty, rebellious teenager with attitude, and I think I’m above the law!” *pouts* Except she actually says that, just to make sure the lowest common denominator understands what’s happening. That kind of thing.

Clearly I’m really refined, and I crave entertainment that helps to break down barriers and battle the stereotypes that *accidentally farts loudly* Ahh nevermind. My anus just ruined my point.

Anyway, because of this, I end up laughing or mocking in inappropriate places where what I should really be feeling is really tense and anxious and sitting on the edge of my seat wondering just who the killer is! Is it the creepy pedophile looking guy next door, or the rich aunt that wears lots of makeup? *bites knuckle in suspense*

Sometimes I even make unintentional sarcastic comments.

Shockingly, Wife doesn’t enjoy this.

However, we have found a compromise, and that compromise is Law & Order from the 90’s. Law & Order from the 90’s is a show that, for whatever reason, I love. Maybe the writing was better then. Maybe I’m really into 90’s clothes. Maybe it’s the weird gavel sound at the beginning of each new scene. Not sure.

But for whatever reason, I am usually thoroughly entertained by an episode, and I rarely find myself laughing in mockery. However, tonight’s show had me laughing for another reason. And thankfully Wife was laughing with me.

Scene: young Hispanic policeman and old crotchety policeman are now partners. They’re trying to catch a killer.

Young Hispanic: Well, we’re tracing him through an Electronic Mail message he sent.

Old Crotchety:  Electronic mail? What kind of newfangled gadget is that? *drinks coffee*

YH: Oh, Electronic Mail? It’s just something people use to communicate on college campuses. You can send a message instantaneously.

OC: Oh, you mean with one of those computer thingamabobbers? *brushes the idea away dismissively with his hand* Those things are for the birds. I tried one once. Lost about 14 games straight of Solitaire.”

Yes. He was talking about a computer as if it was this optional thing. Kind of like a cover for your iPhone. Or washing your hands after going to the bathroom.

Then later, they had started tracking the killer on this thing called a Message Board. And what they did, GET THIS, is they triangulated the guy who was using the signal of a cellular phone as a modem.

Old Crotchety: Now, what are we doing right now? Does this involve more technology?

Young Hispanic: Yes. This involves technology again. We’re going to catch the killer using it.

OC: I hate technology. And all you young people who use it are crazy.

YH: But see, we’re not crazy, because we’re going to use it right now to do our job.

Computer specialist: Okay, we’re about ready to track this guy down. *pulls out a gigantic metal antenna almost as big as himself connected to a mobile computer device that’s almost too heavy to carry* Let’s go!

Yes. Nothing more inconspicuous than that contraption whilst narrowing in on a killer. He won’t know what hit him. “Help! I’m being attacked by a skinless terminator! Oh, wait, it’s just a guy carrying an antenna that’s bigger than his body. And I’m under arrest. Blast technology! You ruined me!”

Perfect for catching a killer. Or contacting Extra Terrestrials. 

When it was all over, I looked at Wife and was like “Wow, it’s so incredible that technology has advanced so much in so little time!” And she replied simply: “It was almost 20 years ago.” And I was like “Wow. The 90’s were a freaking long time ago” and she was like “you’re so good at math.”

Take home lesson: technology doesn’t move as fast as we think it does.

Also, are there any crime shows we should be putting on our queue?