I hate Crime Shows except Law & Order

Wife likes to watch crime shows.

She doesn’t like me around when she watches her programs because she says I get too snooty about them. She’s probably right.

I don’t mean to get snooty. It’s just that for some of those shows (NCIS!) the characters are really unbelievable to me, and the plot-turns seem very contrived, and the dialogue feels like it was lifted from scraps thrown out of a community college screenwriting class. The scraps written by the students that got F’s. Stuff that’s really contrived and over-explanatory. Like some young cheerleader is being interviewed, and she’s all “I don’t want to answer your questions, officer. I am a slutty, rebellious teenager with attitude, and I think I’m above the law!” *pouts* Except she actually says that, just to make sure the lowest common denominator understands what’s happening. That kind of thing.

Clearly I’m really refined, and I crave entertainment that helps to break down barriers and battle the stereotypes that *accidentally farts loudly* Ahh nevermind. My anus just ruined my point.

Anyway, because of this, I end up laughing or mocking in inappropriate places where what I should really be feeling is really tense and anxious and sitting on the edge of my seat wondering just who the killer is! Is it the creepy pedophile looking guy next door, or the rich aunt that wears lots of makeup? *bites knuckle in suspense*

Sometimes I even make unintentional sarcastic comments.

Shockingly, Wife doesn’t enjoy this.

However, we have found a compromise, and that compromise is Law & Order from the 90’s. Law & Order from the 90’s is a show that, for whatever reason, I love. Maybe the writing was better then. Maybe I’m really into 90’s clothes. Maybe it’s the weird gavel sound at the beginning of each new scene. Not sure.

But for whatever reason, I am usually thoroughly entertained by an episode, and I rarely find myself laughing in mockery. However, tonight’s show had me laughing for another reason. And thankfully Wife was laughing with me.

Scene: young Hispanic policeman and old crotchety policeman are now partners. They’re trying to catch a killer.

Young Hispanic: Well, we’re tracing him through an Electronic Mail message he sent.

Old Crotchety:  Electronic mail? What kind of newfangled gadget is that? *drinks coffee*

YH: Oh, Electronic Mail? It’s just something people use to communicate on college campuses. You can send a message instantaneously.

OC: Oh, you mean with one of those computer thingamabobbers? *brushes the idea away dismissively with his hand* Those things are for the birds. I tried one once. Lost about 14 games straight of Solitaire.”

Yes. He was talking about a computer as if it was this optional thing. Kind of like a cover for your iPhone. Or washing your hands after going to the bathroom.

Then later, they had started tracking the killer on this thing called a Message Board. And what they did, GET THIS, is they triangulated the guy who was using the signal of a cellular phone as a modem.

Old Crotchety: Now, what are we doing right now? Does this involve more technology?

Young Hispanic: Yes. This involves technology again. We’re going to catch the killer using it.

OC: I hate technology. And all you young people who use it are crazy.

YH: But see, we’re not crazy, because we’re going to use it right now to do our job.

Computer specialist: Okay, we’re about ready to track this guy down. *pulls out a gigantic metal antenna almost as big as himself connected to a mobile computer device that’s almost too heavy to carry* Let’s go!

Yes. Nothing more inconspicuous than that contraption whilst narrowing in on a killer. He won’t know what hit him. “Help! I’m being attacked by a skinless terminator! Oh, wait, it’s just a guy carrying an antenna that’s bigger than his body. And I’m under arrest. Blast technology! You ruined me!”

Perfect for catching a killer. Or contacting Extra Terrestrials. 

When it was all over, I looked at Wife and was like “Wow, it’s so incredible that technology has advanced so much in so little time!” And she replied simply: “It was almost 20 years ago.” And I was like “Wow. The 90’s were a freaking long time ago” and she was like “you’re so good at math.”

Take home lesson: technology doesn’t move as fast as we think it does.

Also, are there any crime shows we should be putting on our queue?


  1. Burn Notice. My husband and I just started watching it and it's surprisingly good (I expected to not like it.)

    It's on that new-fangled contraption Netflix.

  2. White Collar is on Netflix and Lisa and I really like. Be forewarned though, Lolly will probably fall madly in love with the main character.

  3. White Collar is on Netflix and Lisa and I really like it. Be forewarned though, Lolly will probably fall madly in love with the main character.

  4. I love Law and Order from the 90s, too! It was the best time for that show. Also, ever notice how on Law and Order when the detectives go and question someone, the person never ever stops what they're doing to talk to them- they talk as they do whatever they were doing. I'm pretty sure the show does this to keep those parts more interesting, but it bugs me so much because who wouldn't stop chopping vegetables or painting or whatever to let some detectives ask them questions about a MURDER.

    1. You are totally right! I've never put it into words before, but now that you say it, that's one of the things my brain thinks about when contemplating that show. "I knew Caren. She was a wild one…" *continues pole-dancing awkwardly*

  5. Oh, and you guys have to watch Sherlock on netflix from 2010. It's BBC-made and the characters are awesome. There's only 3 episodes (that are each 1 1/2 hours I think) and Chris watched all of them with me and he hates crime shows and TV in general.

  6. I love Bones. And Castle. Both of those are pretty light hearted and can stretch reality sometimes. OH! And Criminal Minds. But Criminal Minds actually makes me paranoid sometimes… But then almost any show involving crimes against women and children can freak me out at least a little.

    1. Criminal Minds is one of the shows Wife won't let me watch with her! I don't even remember what it's about! But I must have said something snarky or something, because I'm not allowed to watch it ;-( Thanks for the recommendations. I've seen Bones a time or two and enjoyed it.

  7. I'll second the BBC Sherlock. Fantastic – and the second season is out now (though not on Netflix). Also, and this isn't really a leap from Law and Order, I love Law and Order UK. I don't really know why. They say things all British-y, which is good, and the crimes and characters are interesting.

  8. I'm sorry, you lost me when you started mocking NCIS. Actually, I will grant that the scriptwriters only get it right about once every 7 or 8 episodes, but the actors are so good that I think the characters ARE believable. Even if they say dumb things.

    1. I really should be more forgiving… I was probably distracted or something when my brain came to this conclusion. I've thought about it, and it all started with Horatio on CSI Las Vegas. Then… it all fell into the wormhole.

  9. Tell Wife that I'll watch shows with her bc I love them all too. I really like Castle and my fav is Flashpoint. But bc we know Wife is a Quality Time girl you should hold in the laughter and sit on the edge of your seat with her…or at least sit next to her and play Words with Friends. 🙂

    1. We haven't tried Flashpoint, but we might now that you've recommended it. And for the record, I have doubts about the Quality Time thing–when given the option to "recharge", it seems like alone time is more attractive to Wife than time with me. (I'm trying not to be insulted by this pattern… 😉 ) Though I think she'd like to see more of me at family stuff. Like shopping. Or the zoo.

  10. I'm afraid we cna't be friends anymore if you start bashing on NCIS….. :'( lol just kidding josh!! but seriously, NCIS… i agree with you on some of it that it's kinda stupid sometimes but i really like it because the cases always deal with some type of military, wheather it be Marines or Navy…. maybe it's because i have 2 Brothers in the Marines…..?

  11. Funny post. We really like Eureka. It's on Netflix. It's kind of quirky and somehow sucked us in. We also really like Bones. Neither of us much care for anything too gory so that's about our limit.

  12. The Good Guys. An aging cop straight out of an 80s show and his uptight young partner work smallish property crimes. It's silly on purpose, so any making fun is entirely appropriate. And much of the writing is brilliant. Too bad there's only one season.

    And Sherlock: thirded. Great writing, great acting, clever adaptation.

  13. law and order: special victims unit. love it, it will always be my favorite. i think you would like detective goren (vincent d'onofrio) in law and order: criminal intent. he is the "sherlock holmes of psychology". my husband thinks his character does some strange things, but he is suppose to be quirky. i love him. start with season one on netflix. awake just had it's first season and it was a different take on a crime show. i liked it.

    as for ncis – i hate it.the acting totally sucked and the script was terrible. i also agree with you about horacio on csi: miami. what is up with this old white dude with a spanish name that thinks so highly of himself? and why the heck does the show always end with a long shot of him staring off into the distance? on the other hand i did like csi: las vagas. better actors and scrips, at least when i watched it in the first seasons.

  14. If you want something dark and criminally, watch Criminal Minds. It's about a group of profilers. And the criminals are…well…not your average, everyday drug dealer/rapist/killer. *shudder* Also like White Collar. I can't STAND CSI Miami. Horatio what's-his-name has to just open his mouth and do his melodromatic drone and I'm done. Done I say.

  15. I love watching crime shows, but I can't watch them when my husband is home. He's a paramedic. He's seen enough actual accidents/suicides/bodies found two week later that he's just not interested. And–here's the most important thing–he knows what they actually smell like. If we had smell-o-vision, no one would ever watch crime shows.

  16. Have you and Wife ever watched The Closer? Good crime drama, last season coming up but Netflic it!! Also love Criminal Minds, which I know you said is a no-go and Flash point!!!!

  17. I gotta second the last two posts. Psych and The Closer. Mostly The Closer though. I've always been a big fan of Kyra Segwick (sp?) and her character is super funny! And provenza is funny too! I'm pretty sure they are both on netflix, but not 100% for surely positive.

    (crap! Now its been 7hrs straight!! Double crap. What have I gotten my self into?? Curse you Weed-mad for being so incredibly clever and interesting and sarcastic and . . . Need I go on? I think maybe no! Aaaaaand now my newborn is waking up. This is a problem! Hmmmm. Maybe hubs can take a personal day. Oh wait, no PTO. Maybe hubs mom can help? Oh wait, she has cancer. Probably shouldn't bug her, even though she would totally help cause she's amazo like that. ***sigh*** I guess I'll just go grab a coke and push through. Today, my youngest two will nap at the same time. They will. Wether they want to or not.)

    ((sorry, I'm super random. I'll try to be breifer next time. Breifer? Is that a word? More breif? English is not my super strong point!))

  18. Homicide: Life on the Streets! (Also from the 90s. I loved that show in a profound, obsessed, daydreaming-swoonfully-about-eavesdropping-on-the-writer's-room kind of way. LOVED it.)

  19. Because I feel like I should contribute something new if I'm going to comment, I say you should check out the Finder. It's funny on purpose pretty often, so sarcastic and/or witty remarks would be welcome. (Not on Netflix yet I don't think but the second half of the season is on hulu and let's be real, the character backstories don't matter /that/ much).

    The Good Guys is so good! Bradley Whitford is just having a blast being awesome and Colin Hanks is a great straight man to his ridiculous off-the-wall-ish-ness. (Yes, that did necessitate that many hyphens).

    I'll also give a second vote for Psych (more on the light side),a 4th rec for Sherlock, even though it's not strictly a 'crime show', and another vote for White Collar…I don't want to figure out what number it's on.

    (New reader — I've been catching up on the archives, laughing like a hyena, and am gonna be really disappointed once I can't have on-demand posts anymore…)

  20. Hi again. I'm roaming around your blog, getting to know you, which seems only right since I already like you both so much, based on THE POST and all the others I've read since.

    Now I know this is a wee bit late to chime in, but I think your wife might just love "Luther" on the BBC. (And yes, I do mean she'll love Luther. Take a look at him and you'll see what I mean.)

    And as previously recommended, White Collar is outstanding tv–witty, charming, great shots of NYC, and with a warm heart to it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.