The following conversation happened as Wife got home from hanging out with some friends. Kiiinda makes you wonder what they were talking about during “girl time.”
Wife: I have an idea for a post on your blog…
Me: Oh really?
Wife: Yeah. I think you should do a post on what songs get people “in the mood.”
Me: Uh… you realize I write a humor blog, right? Not a sex blog.
Wife: Sure. Whatever. You should do it anyway.
Me: Okay… but how can I make that funny?
Wife: It doesn’t have to be funny. I just want to know. *dramatic sexual look*
Me: That “come hither” look is fake, isn’t it?
Listen. Let’s just say hypothetically speaking that I would want to
make you a mix tape of songs that get us “in the mood.” I just want to
know what songs to put on such a tape.
Me: Okay, first of all, we’re no longer in the 80’s. Nobody makes mix tapes. They make playlists. Second, you don’t want to make me a mix tape. You want to make you a mix tape so you can think lascivious thoughts while thinking about black men named Lionel Richie. Let’s just be real here.
Wife: For your information the song I have been singing in my head all day that made me think of this is not by Lionel Richie. It’s by Janet Jackson.
Me: Oh, is it that song that we sang at the lunch table in junior high together that made all of our friends uncomfortable… *starts singing and Wife chimes in* “making love to you, oh it felt so good and ooooooh so riiiight…”
(Aside: we seriously did that. I was in 8th grade and Wife was in 9th grade and she was the illustrious Student Body President of Thomas Jefferson Junior High. So I was basically singing a song with royalty.)
Wife: No. It’s… not that one.
Me: Wait, what other Janet Jackson song gets you “in the mood”?
Me: Oh, you’ve gotta tell me now. I have to know this for emergencies.
Wife: *pulls it up on Youtube and presses play*
Me: Okay, so the Janet Jackson song that you would put on your playlist to get you in the mood is called “Let’s Wait Awhile?”
Me: Are you listening to these lyrics? She just said “Let’s wait a while before we go too far.” This song is a total junk-block.
Wife: But she also says “I promise I’ll be worth the wait”…
Me: This is probably the only song Janet Jackson ever sang about abstinence. She sings some of the most graphic sexual lyrics out there, and you choose her abstinence anthem for your foreplaylist? I am so confused right now…
Wife: Mmmmm. Just listen to that sultry beat… that sexy synthesizer…*nods head*
Me: Oh, oooooh. I see. Are you sure this has nothing to do with that black guy wearing a turtleneck in the video that looks vaguely like Lionel Richie from the 80’s?
Wife: JUST ASK THE QUESTION ON YOUR BLOG! And mention some of my other playlist songs so that people don’t think I’m stupid.
Me: Yes, I’m sure mentioning your other songs will change people’s perceptions entirely. What kinds of other songs are you talking about?
Wife: Like…. Radiohead’s Reckoner. Or… oh man, what was that one song that that one dude sang???
Me: …I’m beginning to see why you need others’ input.
Wife: Please, Toniferous Weedles? Please just ask!
Me: Okay. I’ll do it.
(I have the feeling this will be good for me in the long run.)
So, you heard the woman. What song would go on your “in the mood” playlist (aka foreplaylist)? Don’t be shy. You know you have one or two. (Even you Sister Warner.)
(Now if you’ll excuse me… *lights a fire, turns down lights, applies chapstick and deodorant, then blasts “Let’s Wait Awhile”*)