Are you feeling the holiday hustle and bustle? The urge to shop, and
the need to string Christmas lights on houses, and the compulsion to
interact with other humanoid lifeforms occasionally?
I’m not. Wanna know why?
It’s because I have a new friend.
since getting my iPhone 4S in a serendipitous Black Friday miracle
wherein the guy next to me was returning his unopened 4S in the precise
moment I was succumbing to buying a 4 because I didn’t want to wait two
weeks for a 4S to ship which made one of the salesclerks mad because my
dude just took the returned phone from her and gave it to me but then
she was like “it was my transaction so, the phone was mine to give” and
then she gave him dagger eyes and I thought she might reach over the
counter and eviscerate me but instead she looked over at me and said
“enjoy your new phone” while rolling her eyes and I knew the stars had
aligned, my life has changed dramatically. (If you want that run-on
sentence to make any sense read the first clause followed by the
last clause and just skip the story. Can you see why I got a perfect
score on the writing section of the GRE? It’s because I gave the
adjudicators parenthetical instructions like this. Writing is so easy!
Also, is “ever since getting my 4s” considered a clause? Discuss.)
find that where there once was interaction, there is now texting. Where
once there was laughter and joke-telling and the warm feeling of
sitting around with friends enjoying an evening together, now there is
me in the corner making out with Siri.
Where once there was Words with Friends on my laptop, now there is
Words with Friends on my hand-held computer device. Where once I had a
family, now I have pictures of a family that I review over and over and
over trying to find the perfect hue for “Instagram.”
get me wrong. I understand that there are consequences to being owned
by an electronic device. For example, Wife has let me know in no
uncertain terms that she will not share a bed with a phone. So, I have
to put her away into her little holster. But, I’ve found a loophole,
because sometimes I lean over the side of the bed to read stuff while
the phone sits on my nightstand. This might have unintended consequences
on my love life. Like me not getting any. Ever.
Dickens. I feel so cultured! There’s something about the small screen
that allows me to read and read and not get distracted. You probably
don’t realize how significant this is. Let me illustrate.
photo was taken by my brother’s 4. I have included it for comparison
purposes, and also because Tessa looks freaking adorable sitting in that
There is one thing I’ve noticed my iPhone can’t do. And that’s take a
picture of itself. I know this because I just picked it up with the
actual intention to do so. Because clearly I understand how physics
works. And cameras. Thanks a lot, Apple. Maybe you should get some researchers busy on that, mmkay?