Do you have an allergy?

I sure do.
And it’s a weird one. In fact, if you are a medical professional and
want to give me a tip about what the crap is going on with me, feel free
to share.

So, about five years ago, I did something I had done many, many, many times. I peeled a banana. And then I ate it.

then my body revolted. Out of nowhere, I found myself hunched over a
toilet, not vomiting, but instead watching saliva pour out of my mouth
like I was some sort of faucet.

It was kind of like my
tummy decided that bananas were arsenic and that the best way to get rid
of the horrific effects was to send my salivary glands into a panicked
frenzy of activity. So, I spent the next hour or so in the bathroom
drooling a continuous flow of spit, feeling a discomfort that could be
described as nothing short of really, really, annoying.

problem was that this was a banana, something I’d eaten probably
thousands of over the course of my lifetime. So it was very difficult
for my brain to believe that there was actually a problem. “It was all a
fluke,” I’d say the next time somebody served me something like a
banana split. And then I’d eat it, and spent the next hour in the
bathroom doing an imitation of this:

only with saliva into a toilet.

100% not fun. And 100% disgusting.

after about six successive incidents of me convincing myself that I was
faking it for attention, I finally got the picture: this banana allergy
was real, and I was going to have to stop eating bananas. Which was
sad, because bananas are delicious, and also really convenient, and also
I only learned like one year before this that it’s much more efficient
to unpeel a banana starting at the dark stub on the bottom, and so it
was like, wow, all those wasted years and now I don’t get to even enjoy
my new-found discovery.

Life can be downright vicious and cruel sometimes.

Anyway, cut to nowish, where by nowish I mean last summer when I actually started writing this post and then forgot about it:

day last summer I tried my wife’s protein shake and didn’t have The
Reaction even though it had ripe banana in it. I was stunned and
cautiously optimistic. I decided to test things out, so I cut up a
banana into minuscule pieces, and ate them progressively waiting for the
need to run to the bathroom and become a faucet, but it never hit.

Amazingly, my allergy had disappeared!!!

Or had it?

that week as I drove in to work I ate a protein bar. This particular
day of work was a crunch-time situation–I had to finish a bunch of
files before I ended my position as a mental health counselor at a
middle school (news alert! The Weed was behind on paperwork!)–and so I walked
to my office and got busy right away.

unbeknownst to me, my banana allergy hadn’t really left. It had just
re-incarnated itself and was now a protein bar allergy, and
unfortunately I had just gotten done stuffing my face with a big ol’
protein bar. My sudden need to salivate became so intense that I grabbed
an empty water bottle near me and started salivating into it. And then
the desperation of the moment–needing to finish those files– led me to
think, “hey, this isn’t so bad. Maybe I can work through this so I can
make sure to get these files done.”

So I drooled. I
drooled and drooled and drooled. For twenty minutes straight I drooled.

And when the need to salivate dissipated, I looked down, and my water bottle was nearly half full. Half full of drool from my body.  I had literally made the substance filling half of that water bottle.

don’t know if you know this about spit, but it is of a very strange
consistency when pooled in a bottle. It verges on gelatinous.

that you say? You want to see a picture of my bottle of drool? (Did you
hear that faint clicking sound in the distance? That was the sound of
half of my readership closing out of this screen in a panic.)

Of course you can!

thing that’s special and also really disappointing about this picture
is the fact that I have saved this bottle since last summer, so a
portion of the saliva has evaporated, and also, you are looking at fluid
was excreted from my body three months ago, which is pretty awesome and
also pretty nasty.

Yuletide Saliva-Bottle Photo Op? SURE!

Merry Christmas! ~from my salivary gland, to yours~


No sugar or preservatives!
conclusion: never offer me a protein bar unless you want to see me
become a garden hose of drool. And probably you should double check any
bottle of water I offer you. I’m serious. Double check. Or you
very well might swallow slime manufactured by glands located under my
tongue. And then you’ll kind of feel like you kissed me, except without
all the good stuff. And believe me when I say: I’m really good at the good stuff. So you would be missing out in a big way. Aaand, you’d have my spit in your mouth.

(This post would be so much
more interesting if somebody had accidentally drunk my three-month-old
bottle of drool. Which is why it’s literally stored on my kitchen
counter, and will be there indefinitely. A guy can dream, can’t he?)