So, when you’re sitting in priesthood meeting in church and your
almost one-year-old is crawling on the floor of the gym, just let her
roam. It’s not a big deal! Babies are babies.
when she crawls over to a metal cart that is used to transport hymnals,
go ahead and let her pull herself up to standing by the shelves.
Honestly, what harm is there in that? She’s just learning to be
Then, when you notice her playing with a
loose screw sitting on the cart, make sure to take it away. You’re a
good parent! You totally just averted a choking disaster. Go ahead and
bask in your proactive nature, and let her continue to play on shelves
you haven’t yet examined.
Next, when she starts choking
violently, run to her aid and fish a second screw you hadn’t noticed
out of her mouth, and then watch as a third one falls to the floor.
Consider yourself lucky for a milisecond that you were able to extract
them before things got dangerous.
When she continues
choking violently on what must be yet another screw stuck in her gullet,
panic in such a way that instead of immediately doing the Heimlich,
your attention focuses on the church meeting you are interrupting, and
go ahead and just carry your daughter out of the room while she gasps
desperately for oxygen, dying. Propriety first! The death of a child is a
small price to pay to ensure that an entire room full of people doesn’t have to be distracted for thirty seconds by your life-saving ruckus.
you approach the door to leave, don’t be alarmed when the choking
noises shift into the sound of vomit pouring onto the gym floor. Babies
vomit all the time! It’s not a big deal at all! When you hear the loud
clank of a screw smacking the ground, quickly bend over to pick it up
and hurry out of the room. Maybe the entire room didn’t notice that your
child violently choked for twenty straight seconds until she poured
vomit onto a gym floor and then upchucked metal. You’re so good at not
In the bathroom, sweep your baby’s
throat to ensure there are not more screws threatening her windpipe, or
that at least she swallowed the ones that were left. (Delicious!) Grab a
bunch of paper towels so you can clean up the mess of milky vomit you
left on the floor.
On your way back to the gym, casually talk to a few people as if
nothing happened. It will make it feel a lot less like you nearly just
killed your baby.
When you get back to the gym, go to start cleaning up, but then
have someone say “Oh, no, don’t worry, we’ve sent some of the Young Men
to take care of that. You probably have a lot to deal with already.”
Realize at that point that there’s no way anybody didn’t notice your near-infanticide, and accept the fact that you are a horrible person. For interrupting a meeting.
When your friend Konrad comes up to you after the meeting to ask
if Tessa “got her fill of screws,” shrewdly ask him to take a couple of
pictures so that you can document this triumphant moment in parenting.