Father’s Day Song

I forgot my razor in Utah. Because that’s how I roll. (Did I ever explain that after taking the train to Portland I drove 14 hours in the car with my brothers and parents to Utah and that’s where I visited my grandma?)

Wife ran and bought me one (thus breaking the Sabbath, but the ox was in the mire, people. Or my face looked ridiculous. One of those two things) and brought it back for me.

When she handed it to me, she came in close to whisper something about potty training Viva (it’s time… pre-school is imminent)(also, there’s really nothing more tantalizing than the whisperings of your lover about teaching your almost-three-year-old how to put her poopoo in the potty) and in the middle of her discussion of the purchase of diapers and not wanting to change any more poopy diapers, she stopped short.

Wife: Oh, holy crap, you have a gray hair.

Me: Another one?

Wife: (screams) You have a crop of them! There’s a whole section of gray hairs.

Me: Really? Are you serious?

Wife: (picking at my head) I’m totally serious! One, two, three, four…(counts up to fourteen)

Me: Stop. I’ve gotta see this. (walks to the bathroom.) I can’t believe I have a patch of gray hair.

Anna who recently looked at our gray-haired doctor and said “your hair is white. That means you’re really old”: You have gray hair, Daddy? That means you’re old. (starts getting upset) I don’t want you to get old!

Me: I’m not that old, sweetie. I’m just a little bit old.

Wife: (pointing at my head in the mirror) See? It’s a patch.

Me: I have a patch of gray hair. A patch.

Anna: You’re going to die soon.

Me and wife: ….?

Anna: (Starts singing) You’re going to die soon, you’re going to die soon…

I don’t think there’s any better way to celebrate father’s day than to have your eldest daughter sing a song about how “you’re going to die soon” upon hearing about your first patch of gray hair.

Happy father’s day, guys!

Also, gratuitous photo time. These are from Anna’s violin recital yesterday.

Anna and I at her violin recital yesterday. (This really was an awesome “Daddy” moment And yes, I really am rocking a yellow “music note” tie.)
“I’d like to begin my performance by singing a song. (sings) ‘My daddy’s gonna die soon, my daddy’s gonna die soon'”
Anna did a fantastic job.
All right. It’s time to go get ready for church. And prepare myself to die. 
Oh also, my dad is awesome, and I want to send him a shout out
(sings) You’re gonna die soon, you’re gonna die soon. (Is that joke getting old? Too much?)
No, but really my dad is amazing, and I want him to know that I love him and he’s my role model. And he’s doing an amazing job taking care of my mom, and also taking care of his mom. Happy Father’s Day, dad. I love you. 
Man, two cheesy posts in a row. What’s getting into me? Oh, wait,  I know what it is… (sings) I’m gonna die soon I’m gonna die soon. (Who doesn’t love a joke that is so overdone it gets funny again? Wait what’s that you say? Not funny? Trust me, if you were with me right now, it would be funny. *crickets*)
I am awesome. 
Happy Father’s day.
Photos taken by Jason at teeplesphotography.com


  1. My first thought was, "I hope Anna's song is about Bambi Nuggets." But this was so much better! Bwahahahahahaha! Although, as someone who is your same age, I suddenly feel frail and aged. Do I get a senior discount yet?

  2. @Madeline–Thanks! Yeah it was actually really fun. Definitely one of those cool parenting moments that you have to hold in your heart for the days when you get diaper goop all over your pants and your two-year-old throws a tantrum in which she hits you where it counts or whatever. (Not that I'm speaking from experience…)

    @Lordadona–we're still decades away from that. Not a lot of decades. In fact, we can barely even say multiple decades. But I like the way "decades away" sounds, so I'm going with it.

  3. The grey patch is pretty hysterical, as is the song. My husband and I were discussing my grey streak earlier and whether or not I should artificially extend it so it looks like it's there on purpose like all the cool kids (including Rogue, my husband says) are doing.

  4. @Su–GENIUS. I might have to try that.

    @Trisha–Seriously. And I thought being a junior high teacher was bad…

    @Erica–So not wrong. So right. Salt and Peppa's where it's AT.

  5. Dude. 14 grey hairs is nothin'. Look at James. He's actually lasted the longest in his family. His mom was fully white-haired by the time she was 30. So I repeat. 14 grey hairs is nothin'.

  6. I had a similar white hair moment, when I was on the beach in England with the wind in my hair. Suddenly my mom is laughing and Nick is yanking eight -8 – EIGHT long, snowy white hairs out of my head.

    30, I tell you what.

  7. Josh… you don't know me but I often come to your blog for some laughs and a lift. After battling depression (the result of a brain injury that never healed) for more than a decade, effective antidotes for despair are literal life savers. I have found several. Your blog is one of them. Thanks for sharing your wit, your warmth, your wisdom and personal strength. You don't write much about that last quality, but it is evident nevertheless.

    I look forward to reading your novel someday. Or will it be a screenplay? Maybe even a sitcom 🙂 Keep writing. You have a gift and you have obviously worked hard to refine it.

  8. @jjstringham–Your words bring me… little to no comfort. Just more fear. But thanks for trying.

    @The Onion–You think I can rock the salt and pepper look? I feel so young for it. So, so… yeah. Not young. I'm not really young at all. Also, no puka shell necklaces? Doesn't that make me seem cool and hip and young and straight from the 90's?

    @Tamsin–At least yours happened at a beautiful beach with the wind blowing your hair in a romantic fashion. Mine happened during a discussion of diapers. Also, I'm no math whiz, but 8 is a lot less than 14 I think. YOU WIN.

    @Anonymous–Aw, thanks a lot for your really kind words. I'm incredibly glad that my blog can serve as a depression antidote, and I'm sorry to hear that you've suffered as you have. As far as my novel goes, it's funny you should mention it because I'm actually getting excited to perfect that sucker and get it out into the world. WARNING: it is nothing even remotely like this blog in any way. But it's still good.

  9. Hmmm…. the "warning" sentence intrigues me. Your novel may not include indelicately candid discussion of body functions, or feature young children with cannibalistic tendencies; but I hope it will incorporate the authentic humor you have shared on this blog. Every writer who stands out (and actually sells books) has something extra that makes them interesting. Don't underestimate the charm of your insightfully witty humanism. And of course since you received this advice from a person with scrambled eggs for brains, you can, with confidence, take it to the bank 😉

  10. @anonymous–Oh, the warning's real. The book's not even remotely funny. Serious as a heart-attack. Suspence-mystery. Instead of witty humanism it's more like raw, suspenseful humanism. If you can call it humanism…

  11. Move over Tana French… Stephen King? Poe? Marquis de Sade? (you did say 'raw'). The Weed has arrived.

    Speaking of SK, have you read "Just After Sunset", his latest collection of short stories? Am not a fan of that genre, but the man possesses a stunning mastery of word craft — particularly personification — and in this collection he pretty much steps out of the horror realm, much like he did with "Green Mile" and "Shawashank Redemption". If you check it out from the library, you will not be disappointed for having taken the time to read it. The book is brilliant. And King is the 19th best selling author in history — which ain't too shabby.

    BTW, even though I'm an avidly eclectic bibliomaniac, a really good suspense-mystery novel is my favorite read. I'm more of a Clancy/Robert Ludlum/Daniel Sliva (high tech, CIA, espionage) junkie when I read that category of fiction; but if it is a well written suspense novel, I'm all over it. When do you plan to publish?

  12. Sorry to dominate the latter part of the commentary section for this post. Just interested in your novel and excited for you that you are going for it. But I'll cool it with all the questions for now and return to being an invisibly anonymous follower of your blog.

  13. I literally had like a 9 sentence response to this post and I hit the back button and it was deleted. Now I am too angry to retype it and I will sum all 9 sentences up in this one statement: miss you guys cause you're cool and I love your blog.

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