After some serious, profound, soul-searching, I recently came to the conclusion that Los Readers (that’s you, btw) were probably tired of reading about my anus.
Because of this, I was seriously contemplating not finishing the colonscopy tale I started here, and just giving you this link to a hilarious blogger friend who recently had a colonoscopy as well, and wrote a post that is very, very funny about it.(Warning: contains swears. And is hilarious.)
But then, I started getting comments on my last post about eagles that were basically like “Um, yeah, thanks for the really awesome post about wildlife, but can we get back to serious business, like you talking about your anus? Kthxbai.”
So, I decided to listen to my gut, and to Los Readers, and I came up with a brilliant plan. Here’s how it will go: I will write part II of my colonoscopy story, but I will use ridiculous euphemisms in place of potentially offensive imagery. Then, at the bottom, I will include the key. That way instead of hearing about graphic stuff, you can enjoy some delightfully inaccurate imagery, and if you’re so inclined to be horrified by the contents of my colon, you can choose to read the key. So, it’s basically a choose your own adventure! The control is yours. Do you feel powerful now?
Perfect. All right. Here we go.
My main concern when it came to ye ol’ colonoscopy was whether or not I’d vomit. Not sure if you know this about me, but I actually have a bit of a vomit phobia (called emetephobia). So, instead of thinking “what if they put a camera up my “water well”(1) and find some pus-filled, infected malignant tumor of imminent death which will rack my body with unimaginable pain for months?!” I instead looked at my doctor when he said “you’ll be drinking over a gallon of prescription liquid” and whimpered: “…um, doc? Is this going to make me throw up?” (sucks thumb, holds jacket like a baby blanket, curls up into fetal position on the examination table)
“No,” my gastroenterologist reassured me, soothingly. “It will just make your “peep-hole”(2) spray “cream soda”