So, Viva, our two-year-old, has a hilarious and also terrifying habit.
She has decided that there is very little in this world more entertaining than hiding from us.
The thing I don’t get though is how sometimes she’s so amazing at it, and other times her hiding spot consists of hiding her face under a bean bag in the middle of the living room with the entire rest of her body exposed.
This disparity is problematic. Clearly, she doesn’t understand the difference between hiding her head like an ostrich, and then the next time wedging herself into a small crevice behind the washer for thirty minutes while we get more and more worried calling her name over and over and hoping she hasn’t died.
Whenever we find her on the days she chooses a Houdini like hiding spot, we’re totally frazzled and having visions of kidnappings and wells and car trunks and freezers, and she usually just looks up at us smiling a smile that says “why on earth did it take you guys so long to find me this time??? You found me immediately yesterday when I closed my eyes in the kitchen to hide from you.”
Mark my words, there will be a day we call the police over to try to find her.
And then we will locate her in the middle of her bedroom floor almost fully exposed. And wife will look at me and say “I thought you looked in here!” and I will look down sheepishly and say “I… forgot” and she will say “What do you mean you FORGOT? It’s what we’ve been doing for the last 30 minutes, and the only reason you came upstairs, and because you didn’t do it, we just called the police” and I’ll be like “Listen, on my way up the stairs it became imperative that I get online and check my old grad-school email account to make sure nobody had been trying to contact today. Can I help that something as important as that distracted me from looking into the bedroom for our child who went missing?”
And then Wife will punch me in the face. Except no she won’t. But I might punch myself in the face for her.
I’m charitable like that.
And now, the Weed Wednesday Wrap Up:
It’s been a while since I’ve wrapped up. Let’s get rolling.
1. Remember this post where I gave a bunch of random tidbits of information about myself wondering if you could guess the lie? Well, I forgot (SHOCKER) to update with the answer, so I’ll do that now. But first let me explain what the crap that was. It was an entry for a writing contest thingie where we all do a post with specific requirements and then people judge them and the last time I did it I won so I was excited to do it again but do you know what happened? I posted it one minute late. And then it wasn’t accepted.
So now I have a really random post about weird stuff using odd obscure words. But that’s pretty much what this blog is anyway as it turns out so it’s all a wash.
If you’re curious, the fact that was a lie was #2. I’m horrible at directions. I’m even worse at landmarks.
Also, I really do play the violin and even had a music scholarship in college. I know it might sound surprising coming from a man who just published perhaps the most graphic expose on pooping one’s pants ever written. But it’s true. What can I say? I’m multifaceted: music scholarships and incontinence. Wife totally got the full package.
2. What else was there???
Oh, and here’s one more thing.
Here, I’ll embed that second one which given that it’s had millions of views, you’ve likely already seen, but whatever.
WARNING: it contains a swear.
Good night. And happy Wednesday.