Ahem. One of the following is a lie.
1. I bite my fingernails, but not as a nervous habit. It’s very purposeful and started because I would get annoyed when my fingernails got in the way of me playing the violin. So I just chewed them off. Problem solved.
2. While I’m pretty much totally directionally impaired, I think it’s safe to say I have an incredible mind when it comes to remembering landmarks (not to bloviate or anything). Tell me to go East until you hit Windsor, and I’ll look at you, dumbfounded. Tell me to turn at the old abandoned shack with “YOUR DUMB” spray painted on the side and go until you reach the McDonalds that shut down? I’m on it.
3. When I was a kid, commercials about starving African children used to make me cry—like, for realz inconsolably weeping. (And then I’d get all mad at my parents and demand “why aren’t we doing something about this!???”) I have a tender heart for all living creatures too, and feel sad when I see captive rabbits, or any of our slaughtered fuliguline friends, or hanged cats, or dead blades of grass.
4. The above does not stop me, however, from enjoying meat. I have no problem eating the flesh of animals, and I remain in active denial about how that slab of burger got onto my bun at Red Robin. (Magic? A meat tree?) In fact, I’m now salivating at the thought of eating a nice chunk of cow flesh. Yum.
Hello delicious friend. We meet again.
5. Nothing gets me more emotionally choked up than abused children.
6. One of my favorite things in the whole world is sweetened condensed milk. I eat it straight from the can. If it was acceptable to drink it as a beverage, I probably would.
7. The above might explain why I at one point weighed almost 300lbs.
Can you guess the lie?