How well do you know The Weed?

Ahem. One of the following is a lie.
1. I bite my fingernails, but not as a nervous habit. It’s very purposeful and started because I would get annoyed when my fingernails got in the way of me playing the violin. So I just chewed them off. Problem solved.
2. While I’m pretty much totally directionally impaired, I think it’s safe to say I have an incredible mind when it comes to remembering landmarks (not to bloviate or anything). Tell me to go East until you hit Windsor, and I’ll look at you, dumbfounded. Tell me to turn at the old abandoned shack with “YOUR DUMB” spray painted on the side and go until you reach the McDonalds that shut down? I’m on it.

3. When I was a kid, commercials about starving African children used to make me cry—like, for realz inconsolably weeping. (And then I’d get all mad at my parents and demand “why aren’t we doing something about this!???”) I have a tender heart for all living creatures too, and feel sad when I see captive rabbits, or any of our slaughtered fuliguline friends, or hanged cats, or dead blades of grass.
4. The above does not stop me, however, from enjoying meat. I have no problem eating the flesh of animals, and I remain in active denial about how that slab of burger got onto my bun at Red Robin. (Magic? A meat tree?) In fact, I’m now salivating at the thought of eating a nice chunk of cow flesh. Yum.

 Hello delicious friend. We meet again.
5. Nothing gets me more emotionally choked up than abused children.
6. One of my favorite things in the whole world is sweetened condensed milk. I eat it straight from the can. If it was acceptable to drink it as a beverage, I probably would. 
7. The above might explain why I at one point weighed almost 300lbs.
The end.
Can you guess the lie?

28 Comments

  1. I love the new look! Very sleek. I have no idea about the above because I'm stuck on "hanged cats." Now I have to read for a couple hours before I go to sleep. Hanged cats? That was you being dry again, wasn't it. Oh youuuu!!

    I used to cry, BAWL, at that commercial where the dog grows up with the kid and then watches out the window as he goes away to college. I hated that kid with my whole heart. How dare he leave for college. So selfish.

  2. Pass the sweetened condensed milk–even better mixed with cream of coconut. Yum!

    I've quit hunting the lies a while ago. ; ) I like your title shot. I remember it when it was a chalk board. : D

  3. My gut instinct says #5. You work with abused children everyday, so I'm assuming you're becoming immuned to it. I can see you crying to your parents about starving African children, you have a fond affection for your birds, but the blades of grass is questionable.

  4. @Katie–You are definitely famous! Look at you, two parties in one week? I've never had that happen.

    @Steam Me Up Kid Becky Friendish–Listen, I'm not the one getting mail about threatening a dog with a fake gun, okay? Some people know where to draw the line. And that line is very clearly located after mentioning hanged cats, but before pretending to threaten dogs with plastic. Sheesh! Also, thanks for the compliments about my twitter bio and new look. Also, whenever you leave me a comment it makes me smile and think "oh how I love my favorite friendish…"

    @Theresa-I don't remember it! But it sounds classic.

    @Christine–I am APPALLED.

    @Everyone–Thanks for all the guesses! I'll explain what the crap this even was and what the answer is in my next post.

  5. i LOVE sweetened condensed milk! i eat it on rice crispies and golden grahams and yes, straight out of the can. asians love it too. did you know in asia you can find adorable mini cans of it that are about an inch and a half tall ? perfect for when you have to brown bag it 😀

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