Sometimes I get confused about what is funny. This is not a helpful predicament for a “humor” blog.
The other night I was resting on the couch typing a post and I was so tired I was falling asleep as I typed. I ended up typing some really random things pertaining to the dreams I was having, which, admittedly is kind of cool and a fun psychological experiment (I don’t know how, but my fingers kept typing the words that my brain manufactured even asleep).
But then? I seriously contemplated posting it like it would be really funny or something. It is not funny. It is the opposite of funny. It is boring.
Just to show the level of boring I’m referring to, here’s a snippet:
I really thing it is important to know what our subconcious mnind wants to tell us about our stories and what ti tells us about live bevore we go ino things with them, like how the come and introduce themselves which something that simply doesn’t make sense in the real worl world, but in this contex, i does make sense. Actually that was a lie because it don’t makes sense si because it was a lie of the greatest variety and the truth of the matter is the fe a that I’m writing a line from top to boderline, as I wtype things thi a pool of something.
Yeah. This is something my brain looked at and said “yeah, post that. It’s hilarious!”
Sure, brain. If when you say “hilarious” you mean nonsensical and a bit schizophrenic sounding. Ha ha! Ha… Ha?
I’ve been telling really bad, embarrassing jokes elsewhere too of late. Probably one of the most embarrassing examples?
My friend Meg posted the following on Facebook: “anyone have recommendations for food or activities in La Push/Forks?”
My oh-so-witty reply?
I’ll give you one guess.
“Fresh blood. And the sucking thereof.”
Oh, the hilarity! I can scarcely breath due to the originality of that clever jibe! How droll I am! How do I pull these fantastically unique thoughts out of thin air???
Yeah, the crickets were so loud I literally cowered in shame at my computer. Because the most humiliating part? As I pressed “enter” I was actually chuckling to myself thinking “oh, yeah, this is awesome. Won’t people get a kick out of this“
Uh, yeeeeeah. Hey The Weed? A joke about somebody being a vampire in Forks, Washington? Not really SNL material, okay? Sarah Palin is funnier than that. Mr. Rogers could run circles around that joke. Heck King Friday on Mr. Rogers could SOMEBODY SHUT ME UP EVERYTHING COMING OUT OF MY BRAIN IS IDIOTIC!!!!
The subsequent comments just went on giving recommendations. I’m pretty sure everyone just tried to pretend that hadn’t happened, kind of like when you’re talking to someone you don’t know very well and you try to squeeze out a fart inconspicuously because it’s really uncomfortable but you it ends up betraying you and squeaking really loudly and it stinks up the entire room, and you both have that moment where you look each other in the eye and you know they know what just happened, but then you keep on talking as if your noses weren’t both burning and you weren’t both thinking THIS IS THE NASTIEST STENCH I HAVE EVER SMELT AND IF I DON’T EVACUATE SOON I WILL PROBABLY VOMIT MID-SENTENCE because you haven’t hit that social threshold where you could reasonably say “I just farted. Maybe we should leave the room. Chuckle chuckle” and not look like a complete social idiot.
Yeah. That’s what it was like.
Except, in this scenario, I farted really loud on the internet. And that’s a stench that doesn’t just float away if you sit there awkwardly trying to look like you have an itch in your nose so you can use your hand to barricade it against the stench of fecal matter floating all around you for a few looong minutes… (Man, it sure sounds like I have a lot of first-hand experience here, doesn’t it? (awkward chuckle))
I’m going to stop now.
In closing, a few orders of business:
1. I’m still undecided on my logo. I know I was being all “oh, these suck” in my satirical post, but seriously, I got handed some pretty amazing stuff and I’m genuinely appreciative to my friends who were so kind as to send me free logos. I have the most amazing readers/friends in the world.
2. Fun news–I am probably signing a lease for an office tomorrow. To expand my private practice. That’s right y’all. THE WEED’S IN BIZNESS. I’m really, really excited. So, if you’re in the Seattle area, and you want the absolute best marriage and family therapist in the world to be your counselor, send me an email. (Though, how I could even vaguely assume this discussion of farts could segue into a therapeutic relationship is beyond us all, I realize.) No but really. Email me. I’m actually really good at my job. (Though, how I could even say that credibly after proclaiming how good I am at graphic design during my last post with this
as evidence of a therapeutic tool I use with client? Ridiculous.)
JUST EMAIL ME. Or click here.
That is all.