Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Being Wife is HARD

I really feel bad for Wife sometimes.

I mean it. Being at home raising kids all day? NOT always a bag of giggles and a knapsack of laughs. For one thing, you have to deal with a lot of crap. And by crap I mean feces as well as bad behavior from toddlers. For another, your job pretty much boils down to a lot of cleaning. So you’re kind of like a janitor. A janitor with no breaks. That has to touch poop. And let babies suck on your body parts. And who doesn’t get paid.

Not the most amazing gig if you’re reading it in a Craigslist ad, you know?

Seeking highly motivated college graduate to wipe three rectums, cook and clean and turn things on and off and put soiled clothes into a big metal machine over and over while also making sure the three owners of said rectums don’t die. Also, do you know CPR? Never mind, just don’t let them choke. Also, we will need you to go to the store with them all the time, which will resemble trying to place food items into a rolling cart as three rabid orangutans on crack physically assault you and/or try to run away and die in the parking lot. Also, don’t forget to clean! Also, The Weed forgot his lunch. Will you wrangle those orangutans on crack into the car to bring it to him? Also, your job is the easiest in the world! You get no respect from society because you don’t WORK! Obviously.

Compensation: The Weed will occasionally remember to say thank you.  In addition, you can eat the food you bought at the store. If you make it.

Please. Please just let me die now.

Yeah. Sign me right up.

This morning highlighted another way being Wife is hard. Isolation. Not just social isolation–sure that’s a very difficult component to this whole experience, the feeling that your closest companion is four years old. But I mean from the world at large. There have been some very conspicuous moments where it became really, really clear just how isolated Wife is becoming here in this house alone with the kids.

Like, when we were talking to some friends the other night on g-chat. One of us brought up the conflict in Egypt and we starting discussing it, and Wife said “Egypt? What’s happening in Egypt?”

There was no really easy way to explain to Wife, whose degree was in geography and who, before there were children in the Weed household, used to be much more in touch with current events than I am, that there had been unrest in Egypt for weeks.

Then someone said something about President’s day and how it’s amazing we now have a black president, and Wife was like “Wait, what? We have a black president? Are you serious? Is it Lionel Richie???”

Okay, so that last part was a joke. But the Egypt part? Real. Just like when the earthquake in China happened. And the earthquake in Haiti. And the oil spill. And when they outlawed Capri pants. Poor girl is totally disconnected from the world and has to rely on me for all news.

That’s why, this morning, I snuggled up by her and decided to tell her today’s headlines.

“There was an earthquake in New Zealand,” I say.

“Oh, they have a new Zealand?!” wife says, looking catatonic with a baby bouncing on her lap.

“No, sweetheart. It’s the same one as before,” and I pat her head. Then I hazard, “also, there were four US citizens murdered by Somali Pirates.”

To which wife looks bemused and says “I can’t imagine Pacific Islanders doing something like that.”

Then I pat her head again and whisper “Neither can I, sweetheart. Neither can I.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that Somoa and Somolia, in a surprise twist of current events, are different countries.

Somalia is ALMOST in the same hemisphere as Samoa, so it’s an easy mistake to make.

Maybe we should have C-span playing in the background so that Wife’s mind can become re-invigorated.

Or perhaps it would be prudent to give her a day off?

(For the record, Wife is the one that found the map, immediately located Somalia on the map, immediately located Samoa on the map, and used fancy terms like “degrees of latitude” and “Chinook Winds” during the creation of this post and I just sat there looking stupid and saying ignorant things like “I had NO IDEA Somalia was in Africa!” This does not change the fact that the Somoa/Somalia mix up described actually happened this morning.)

UPDATE: My favorite part of this entire post? The fact that I was spelling Samoa wrong the whole time, except for in the picture caption. Wife, please come back to me! I need you to spot crap like this before I press “publish”!

Photo attribution here  and here.


  1. I have been wanting to discuss this topic for some time. I really do feel for stay at home moms and moms in general. I understand that they can be socially isolated. I have seen it in my BFF. We used to teach together and now she has two kids, one with special needs. She is great, but here is my question…..

    If stay at home moms are so in need of female companionship, why do so many of them shun non-moms and single ladies? What is so threatening? Is it our so-called "freedom"? Is it because we do not wipe any one's butt besides our own and have never nurished a child with our own bodies? Or have Moms, like your article suggests, have become so consumed with the care of needy children, which VERY appreciated, they can no longer relate to a world outside of Elmo and Pampers?

    Moms, give single ladies a chance! We can even jostle your baby on our laps while you enjoy a latte on us.

  2. I did not find this post funny. Mostly because I identified with everything Lolly said. I did remember there being something that happened in Egypt. But I had no idea about the other stuff. On the other hand I know all the songs from both Backyardigans and Wonder Pets from memory. And we all know that's way more important than knowing all that other stuff.

  3. Please give your wife my condolences, a couple of days off, and assure her that she is fighting the good fight.
    I remember those days, and thinking I would never survive them.
    Sometimes, on Monday mornings especially, I could actually kiss the ground of the building where I work.
    I would give anything to go back and do it better.
    All true statements.

    ps. on her days off she gets to do ANYTHING she wants, you are to be blindly supportive of whatever it is. WHATEVER it is.

  4. I LOVE your wife!!! We are the same I guess because I had no idea there was something going on in Egypt or that pirates were not make believe characters…seeing as I play one of them and fight another every day during play time. Being a mom nd a wife is hard but don't forget it's nice to not know everything icky that is going on in the world. To the isolated me this world is double rainbows and pretend pirates that only pretend to fight and steal things. Off to cook something in the other metal box.

  5. I keep telling my husband that I need a wife ๐Ÿ™‚ I would love to have someone make my meals, take care of my children, clean the house, and do the grocery shopping.

    When my children were much younger, I remember telling my husband that of the five rectums in our family, I wiped four of them. What a life. Motherhood is tough and not for the weak of heart (or stomach).

    As always, you're a hoot. Always enjoy your posts.

  6. poor wife.

    i have been thinking about this whole pirate thing since i read it on the internet (u should tell Wife about the Internet- turns out it has current events and stuff) and i am having a hard time picturing the somalians with eye patches and hooks and talking like johnny depp- but now i get to try to picture them as somoans!!

  7. Amen to the title of this post. My kitchen looks like a tornado hit it, I just put out little guy to bed, my back is killing me, and I still have about ten things to do on my to-do list at 10:00pm at night. Lolly is amazing.

  8. I can so relate to this after a crazy week of puppy poop as well as kid poop disasters! I remember in the early days of having my first, I didn't have a clue what was going on in the world either, and I always knew more than hubby before that. It's probably a good thing not to know about all the crazy things happening at the moment, very sad.

  9. Nice to meet you fellow Crusader. I totally identified with this post. But I did the opposite. I listened to the radio while children bounced off wall etc. and repeated each item of news to husband verbatim at the dinner table. He informed me years later he felt he was living with a walking radio. LOL!

  10. Sometimes I think it's better to be engrossed in Barney and Sesame Street. At least you can get a refresher of how to share and why cleaning up is important.

    But seriously? You should switch for an hour. And let her play outside. By herself. Because that solves almost EVERYTHING.

  11. Lol! Your post made me laugh. You rock and SO get the stay-at-home thing. You should repost this for Mother's Day. Really.

    I love being home with my kids. I would NOT trade it for anything in the world. My place is here for them, to be at the crossroads of their lives. I love my kids.

    Thanks for letting me share my motherly thoughts!

    PS. thank you for following my blog! I'm following yours!

    โ™ฅ.โ€ข*ยจ Elizabeth ยจ*โ€ข.โ™ฅ

  12. PSS–your Mormon? Whoa! I didn't read your header til I was about to log out. I'm so proud of you for the privilege of your wife staying at home–it's such a fantastic blessing for everyone involved! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  13. Weed, I want to thank you so much for everything you write, and I wanted to let you know how much you are appreciated in my apt. I have one roommate who is about to go on a mission, so I read to her your tales of the venezuelan jail have another roommate about to get married, and your warning about how being Wife is hard have helped shed some light for her. All 6 of us in my apt love the wisdom you share, I even sent this post about the somali pirates to a fellow international relations student friend back in Ohio. Thank you for sharing this joy to the fun deprived lives of struggling students. Especially those at BYU, where humor is hard to come by.

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