The White Elephant in the Room (Or, “How is it that my blog has become primarily about sex?”)

Wanna see my loot of white elephant gifts this holiday season? I really made out like a bandit.

First, this:

A soothing fountain for my office (which is out of focus, but I’m too tired to take and upload another picture. But my does that carpet behind it look sharp!)

Then this:

A fancy Care Bear futon for our living room the girls’ bedroom.

And finally, this:

Why hello there, Little Thumper.

Yes. Yes that is a vibrator.

Merry Christmas! <——- This is how I had planned to end this post when I wrote it down in my head before Christmas, but now Christmas is over, so I suppose Little Thumper (who is the one doing the merry Christmas wishing in my head) is referring to Christmas of 2011. That’s right, a vibrator just wished you a merry Christmas in 2011. Bet you’ve never had that happen before, huh?

Also: true story. The day after we brought this stuff home, the Little Thumper was sitting on the girls’ Care Bear couch and Anna woke up and saw it and was like “Mommy what’s this?!” in a voice that was filled with Christmas glee, thinking it was some new toy. And then Wife grabbed it really quickly and actually said:Oh, no sweetie, this is just a toy for Mommy…”

I thought I might die laughing.


  1. @Deidra–Just to clarify: what wife actually meant was "No, sweet daughter, the totally inappropriate white elephant gift we got at a party filled with fellow Mormons where everyone was scandalized by its mere existence is not for you. Aaaand we'll probably throw it away."

    I don't even think the implications of what she had said crossed her innocent little mind until later.

    Oh Mormons. We're a puritanical riot!

  2. Throw it away? Maybe if you don't want to keep it you should offer it as a giveaway 😉 It would be an opportunity to continue your sex theme you have going on lately!

  3. When my sister was about twelve or so, she ordered a "massager" from the back of a magazine as a Christmas present for my mom. My mom thought it was shaped funny for a massager, but didn't even realize what it was until years later when she was taking a social work class for her master's program. (And you thought your friends were puritanical!)

  4. Yeah, I think our most awkward moment lately was the other night at a family dinner when the subject of the 'massager' came up. Even more awkward than your mother-in-law getting a vibrator (and not knowing what it was) is discussing it with her years later.

  5. Speaking of puritanical Mormons… my parents had a massager when I was growing up they always called a "vibrator," so I've called massagers by that name ever since. Luckily this only comes up around people who love me anyway. And continue to tease me until I cry.

  6. Sorry for getting here so late and having to do another novel-length comment in reply, but I find you all hilarious and MUST RESPOND.

    @Rachael–it was pretty priceless, for sure!

    @Mynx–so, White Elephant Gift exchanges (which I think is what you were asking about, but if not, forgive me for explaining it) are basically where you get together and everyone brings a gag gift. This usually results walking away with things like old decor from the 80's and unused calendars from past years and really ugly statues and non-working electronics and stuff. But not this time! Also, sorry Santa didn't come through! (The possibility for double entendre is so vast for the comments on this post that I'm ignoring it altogether!)

    @Melissa–Glad the Little Thumper was good for a chuckle at very least.

    @Twilightgazing–I hadn't noticed that important detail. What an amazing product!

    @Christine–YOU ARE A GENIUS! If I ever hit 100 followers? GIVEAWAY TIME!

    @Catherine–totally childproof. And non-toxic!

    @Kari Marie–Five minutes! Man, Little Thumper is breaking records left and right.

    @Mr. Fob–Oh man, that is RICH. I kinda wish that was my own story so I could write about it in this blog. Perhaps Mr. Fob can make a blog-comeback at the Fobcave?

    @Foxy J–I'm really glad to hear that my family (read: The Weed while his family stares in horror) isn't the only one that talks about sex at the dinner table. Awkward moments are the spice of life!

    @Tina–Haha, so true! We missed a golden opportunity of education.

    @TamBaum–I too laud the gift-giving skills of said person. Said person must be very bold, sleuth, and smart. And lascivious.

    @Ashlee–Wait, Tami was doing WHAT to herself??? Well, this comment explains a lot.

    @Coach–Ha! Awesome. I'd love to hear the conversation you had with them if you ever decided to use those back-massagers-for a dollar at the mall.

    All right, you guys have thoroughly entertained me, and I have written yet another novel length comment which I will not edit. Good night.

  7. the big gift at one of our white elephant exchanges this year was a jumbo sized condom. it had all the single people in the room giggling up a storm. whereas all the long married people at the party were bored with the joke and probably HOPING for a vibrator.

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