Wait, this is a competition? Oh, of course it is! I knew that!

I must confess. I’m Twittertarded.*

Being horrible at Twitter is fine for most people–I mean, who the crap cares what random people think in random 30 character snippets or whatever, right? But for someone who’s trying to break into the world of writing, not being able to Twitterfy effectively is a serious handicap.

Take, for example, this last week.

Last week when I got on Twitter, I saw that my writer friend Paul Joseph and some other people were doing this awesome game that I thought was really fun.  They were writing six word stories!

Have you ever heard of Hemingway’s six word story? If not, I’ll explain it to you really quick. It’s his attempt at communicating a full story in as few words as possible.  His is famous for packing a ton of meaning into just six words, leaving you with a haunting intuitive knowledge of something that has happened. His famous six word story is:

For sale: baby shoes, never worn.

*sad face*

Or perhaps I should say:


Except it’s more effective without the semi-colon which looks like a wink.


There. I’m not the best at emoticons, either.

Anyway, when I saw other people doing their own six word stories on Twitter about a week ago I got really excited and was like “That’s awesome!” and I decided to join right in and came up with some because I am the nerdiest person on this planet I am a huge fan of intellectual challenges involving language.

Soon, to my utter embarrassment and shame I realized that people were doing this because it was a contest and not because the world was filled, suddenly, with people like me who view this kind of thing as a fun game with no extrinsic reward. Haha. ha. ha…. ha? Yeah, I’m a freak.

 These people must be having the time of their lives! *hyperventilates*

Anyway, I immediately deleted all of my original tweets and submitted them with the proper link and hashtag, (#6wordstory)  so that I could be like “Yeah, I totally realized this was a contest all along and was so entirely not just doing it for the fun of it…”

I’m sure everyone believed me.

I then continued for like two hours in my Orgy of Nerdiness coming up with fun six word stories which all ended up being graphic and demented.

Cut to last night when I’m on Twitter trying to Tweet like a regular, good, technologically savvy twitter person when I noticed that my username (@the_weed) had been mentioned A LOT for a couple of days. This is something that a person who is good at Twitter would have noticed immediately. Not days later.

Upon further investigation, I discovered that, you know that six word story contest I had entered just to not look stupid? Well, I accidentally became a finalist totally dominated just like I knew I would because why would anybody ever write a bunch of six word stories unless they were doing it to try and win a prize. Duh!

But wanna know the weirdest part? The six word story that got chosen as a finalist was perhaps the stupidest, lamest, least offensive and disgusting one I wrote. (Wait, maybe there’s a clue in there somewhere?)

Here it is: “He’s still breathing. Get the axe.”

Quite a humdinger, no!? Sure wish I didn’t suck at Twitter so I could have rallied my twittertroops to vote for that one. And because I didn’t, it’s losing by quite a margin.


You want to see the rest of the ones I wrote, don’t you? I knew it. I’m really good at projecting my own desires and wishes on others, I MEAN, knowing what people want deep down.

All right, here are the other ones. Enjoy! And don’t judge me! 

“I’m a necrophiliac,” admitted the mortician.

You ate it? That wasn’t yogurt.”

“I had blood in my stool.” <—– True story. (Was that TMI?) 

“I have news. The condom broke.”

John molests children. His girlfriend’s pregnant.

Or, my personal favorite: 

“What sweetener did you use?” “Antifreeze.”

Is anybody surprised I’m not winning when true genius such as this was left in the trash bin??? More importantly, is anybody NOT questioning my mental stability knowing that, when given six words to tell a story, THIS is what comes out of me?

I think not.

If you’d like to vote, here’s the link. But honestly, please vote for mine! the one you like the best. I don’t like it when I lose contests stuff like this becomes a popularity contest. (See next paragraph before you vote.)

Update: Do not vote for me.  Since I’m so far behind anyway, I’m thinking, why not go down in a blaze of ignominy? Instead, I think you should vote for Paul Joseph, number five on the list (@ImPaulJoseph), mainly because he really wants the prize and entered the contest specifically to try to win it, and is in a close second place. Also, I only “knew” about the competition because I saw him doing it. So, click here to vote for Paul Joseph. Let’s make him a winner!

Also: Is this unethical? I’m not so good at ethics either. So far, the list of things I suck at as oultined in this post is: Twitter, emoticons, and ethics. Oh, and not being a complete nerd.

Also:  I would like to propose two things. 1. Will you please play Facebook Scrabble with me? and 2. How’s about, if you think it’s fun or whatever, you write a six word story in the comments. Only if you want to though. ALERT: THIS IS NOT A CONTEST. THIS IS JUST FOR “FUN.” Non-six-word-story comments are also acceptable. <——You know what will prove the extent of my nerdiness? When nobody does this. It will be awesome.

Have a good Saturday.

*Lest you think me a brute, in this conflation of the words “twitter” and “retarded” I refer specifically to the fact that my comprehension of the newfangled mechanisms involved in the tweeting process is, in fact, slower than a snail on THC.


  1. I appreciate your fabricated explaination of what happened, buddy. Really. The doctor's say I'm better now. That whole ruthless vibe that came over me – the one where I had you abducted from your home and tied up in a factory for five days so you would be without technology access and unable to rally your troops will never happen again. Promise! So we need not bring it up.

    However, I guess it's safe to say that since I went through all that trouble, I clearly dug your story and viewed you as serious competition. Well done, brother. Good luck.

  2. @Mynx–You are awesome! I love that you did that!

    @Amie–Thanks! Yeah, when you're this cool stuff like that happens all. the. time.

    @Paul–So what you're saying is I'm NOT just really bad at Twitter. Whew. That's a relief! I was wondering why I missed five days at work and woke up with rope burns on my arms. It's all good, though. I'm like, when one's six-story-writing honor is on the line, a little abduction is totally understandable.

  3. Oh no, you are still bad at Twitter, it just wasn't your fault this time. (Actually, I am pretty bad at Twitter myself, but I've learned we get better with time.)

    Glad there are no hard feelings. I definitely left specific instructions with the abductor – you were to be fed three meals daily and there was to be no physical harm whatsoever. Sorry about the rope burns…

  4. Ha. Good to know that might improve at some point. Also, I just changed stuff up in my post a bit. Mostly because you didn't have me murdered when you had me abducted. But also because you are a Champion with a capital C.

  5. Dude, you didn't have to do that. I mean, it's awesome that you did, but it wasn't necessary. I swear I'm not a contest whore, just in case anyone was wondering since I recently won something hosted by the coolest guy ever. But, the author of that book has been a huge inspiration to me and has really stuck by my side on this journey the past few months, so I'm excited to read the novel that made his dreams come true.

    I started a Scrabble match. Bring it on, brother!

  6. I seriously just laughed for five minutes. You are freakishly hysterical, even if you are Twittertarded. (I am, too, kinda; when you followed me, I spent three minutes going, "Gee, where do I know this name? Duh– I've been following your blog for two months.)

  7. Apparently, going to law school also makes you a nerd, at least this is the general consensus from my friends. We can overcome this together Josh, I hear admitting you have a problem is the first step.

  8. @Paul–Too late! My charity knows no bounds. Not even bounds of propriety and awkwardness. (I hadn't even thought about the fact that you recently won a gift card here. Maybe you've got some haters 'round these parts… but probably not.) I love how you're almost like "seriously–you don't have to do this. In fact, don't this. This is not a joke. DON'T DO THIS." Bwa hahahah.

    @Su–Aw thanks, Su. You're pretty funny yourself 😉

    @Christine–"A" for effort, my friend! Well, maybe "B+" for effort! Thanks for helping me feel not lame by actually trying. It's a pretty complex art. *shines cuff-links* You'll get the hang of it if you practice.

    @Daniel–Yes. Yes that would also make you a nerd. It's good to know just how not alone I am. (I think that call that a gang mentality?)

  9. @twilightgazing–I need to not take so long writing comments so I don't continually do this thing where I miss people AS I'm writing. (Watch it happen right now.) But yes. Your assertion is correct. Which is why I can sleep at night. With my nerdy alarm system protecting me.

  10. Paul wins votes. Weed cries hysterically.

    (Side note: if this comment actually gets posted, then I would lay all the blame of the non-ability to comment on stupid Safari. Firefox actually works!)

    (Also: I have no idea if any of this comment actually makes any sense.)

  11. @jjstringham–This comment 1. made complete sense 2. made me chuckle and 3. YOU DID ONE! And I like it a lot. Even though it's false. Only girls cry. *sniffles the hides his face*

  12. Must now reply in 6 word stories to all who have done one. Because it's only proper. (Even people I already responded to.)

    @Mynx–Twitter is really fun. You should.

    @Christine–Practice makes perfect. But only sometimes, apparently.

    @Twilight Gazing–I didn't realize yours was one. (That means you're the best of all at this. Seriously, good job!)

    @jjstringham–I never cry when I lose. *sniffle*

    @Catherine–Wife and I laughed at yours.

    @Coach–Do I have cancer? (SAY NO)

    @B ready–Will you be my librarian? Please?

    @becca–I need to start following celebrities!

    @Craftykrys–I don't know what lam is.

    @rainbowsbetty–Hi! Thanks for stopping by and leaving a six word story! You rock. And you should definitely not feel bad for using two online identities here. In fact, might be a smart idea. (Also, what is lam? You've got me curious.)

  13. Oh, @Mom's Sewing Vault! I almost left you out. (I think 47% of the comments on this post are me having missed someone. Oops.)

    @Mom's Sewing Vault–Nothing funnier than deblitating mental illness!!

    (Or perhaps there's nothing less funny?)

  14. i WOULD write a 6 word story- but my specialty is writing with Run On Sentences, Too many (parenthesis), Unnecessary (parenthesis), lots of …'s and — and more of a Rambling Style. So, do I still win the contest? Oh, this is NOT a contest?!
    (now I making fun of you for doing the opposite- incase you didn't catch that—…))))

  15. I am totally going to request to play a game of Facebook scrabble with you now. Warning though. I suck at follow up. Even though I get alerts for it on my phone. And people nudge me. And I am the one who starts the games. Yup.

  16. i'm so glad i'm not the only geek who is a " huge fan of intellectual challenges involving language" !!! my husband and i are going to have fun with this for weeks!

    when i read ANGELS & DEMONS by Dan Brown i had to draw ambigrams for days and days. especially making my name into one. yes, i'm that nerdy. but it was FUN! i dare you to try it 😉

    do you play drawsomething or words with friends? because i would play those with you; i'm always looking for new butts to kick.

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