I must confess. I’m Twittertarded.*

Being horrible at Twitter is fine for most people–I mean, who the crap cares what random people think in random 30 character snippets or whatever, right? But for someone who’s trying to break into the world of writing, not being able to Twitterfy effectively is a serious handicap.

Take, for example, this last week.

Last week when I got on Twitter, I saw that my writer friend Paul Joseph and some other people were doing this awesome game that I thought was really fun.  They were writing six word stories!

Have you ever heard of Hemingway’s six word story? If not, I’ll explain it to you really quick. It’s his attempt at communicating a full story in as few words as possible.  His is famous for packing a ton of meaning into just six words, leaving you with a haunting intuitive knowledge of something that has happened. His famous six word story is:

For sale: baby shoes, never worn.

*sad face*

Or perhaps I should say:

;-(

Except it’s more effective without the semi-colon which looks like a wink.

🙁

There. I’m not the best at emoticons, either.

Anyway, when I saw other people doing their own six word stories on Twitter about a week ago I got really excited and was like “That’s awesome!” and I decided to join right in and came up with some because I am the nerdiest person on this planet I am a huge fan of intellectual challenges involving language.

Soon, to my utter embarrassment and shame I realized that people were doing this because it was a contest and not because the world was filled, suddenly, with people like me who view this kind of thing as a fun game with no extrinsic reward. Haha. ha. ha…. ha? Yeah, I’m a freak.

 These people must be having the time of their lives! *hyperventilates*

Anyway, I immediately deleted all of my original tweets and submitted them with the proper link and hashtag, (#6wordstory)  so that I could be like “Yeah, I totally realized this was a contest all along and was so entirely not just doing it for the fun of it…”

I’m sure everyone believed me.

I then continued for like two hours in my Orgy of Nerdiness coming up with fun six word stories which all ended up being graphic and demented.

Cut to last night when I’m on Twitter trying to Tweet like a regular, good, technologically savvy twitter person when I noticed that my username (@the_weed) had been mentioned A LOT for a couple of days. This is something that a person who is good at Twitter would have noticed immediately. Not days later.

Upon further investigation, I discovered that, you know that six word story contest I had entered just to not look stupid? Well, I accidentally became a finalist totally dominated just like I knew I would because why would anybody ever write a bunch of six word stories unless they were doing it to try and win a prize. Duh!

But wanna know the weirdest part? The six word story that got chosen as a finalist was perhaps the stupidest, lamest, least offensive and disgusting one I wrote. (Wait, maybe there’s a clue in there somewhere?)

Here it is: “He’s still breathing. Get the axe.”

Quite a humdinger, no!? Sure wish I didn’t suck at Twitter so I could have rallied my twittertroops to vote for that one. And because I didn’t, it’s losing by quite a margin.

(DON’T TELL ME IT’S LOSING BECAUSE IT SUCKS BECAUSE THAT’S RUDE.)

You want to see the rest of the ones I wrote, don’t you? I knew it. I’m really good at projecting my own desires and wishes on others, I MEAN, knowing what people want deep down.

All right, here are the other ones. Enjoy! And don’t judge me! 

“I’m a necrophiliac,” admitted the mortician.

You ate it? That wasn’t yogurt.”

“I had blood in my stool.” <—– True story. (Was that TMI?) 

“I have news. The condom broke.”

John molests children. His girlfriend’s pregnant.

Or, my personal favorite: 

“What sweetener did you use?” “Antifreeze.”

Is anybody surprised I’m not winning when true genius such as this was left in the trash bin??? More importantly, is anybody NOT questioning my mental stability knowing that, when given six words to tell a story, THIS is what comes out of me?

I think not.

If you’d like to vote, here’s the link. But honestly, please vote for mine! the one you like the best. I don’t like it when I lose contests stuff like this becomes a popularity contest. (See next paragraph before you vote.)

Update: Do not vote for me.  Since I’m so far behind anyway, I’m thinking, why not go down in a blaze of ignominy? Instead, I think you should vote for Paul Joseph, number five on the list (@ImPaulJoseph), mainly because he really wants the prize and entered the contest specifically to try to win it, and is in a close second place. Also, I only “knew” about the competition because I saw him doing it. So, click here to vote for Paul Joseph. Let’s make him a winner!

Also: Is this unethical? I’m not so good at ethics either. So far, the list of things I suck at as oultined in this post is: Twitter, emoticons, and ethics. Oh, and not being a complete nerd.

Also:  I would like to propose two things. 1. Will you please play Facebook Scrabble with me? and 2. How’s about, if you think it’s fun or whatever, you write a six word story in the comments. Only if you want to though. ALERT: THIS IS NOT A CONTEST. THIS IS JUST FOR “FUN.” Non-six-word-story comments are also acceptable. <——You know what will prove the extent of my nerdiness? When nobody does this. It will be awesome.

Have a good Saturday.

*Lest you think me a brute, in this conflation of the words “twitter” and “retarded” I refer specifically to the fact that my comprehension of the newfangled mechanisms involved in the tweeting process is, in fact, slower than a snail on THC.