Disclaimer: if you are a woman who has ever contemplated giving birth, or who might contemplate giving birth in the future, or who has ever even remotely thought that maybe someday, at some point she MIGHT like to birth a child, or who knows for certain that she does not want children but still harbors a 1% chance of wanting to give birth before she dies READ THIS POST AT YOUR OWN RISK BECAUSE I GET ALL KINDS OF REAL UP IN HERE. <–caveat posted at the recommendation of Wife

You have been warned.

I feel the need to clarify my actual thoughts on this topic since my satire wasn’t obvious enough in this post. I will do so through a sequence of scenarios.

Scenario 1:

Two people are in a sterile hospital room. Both of them feel tense. One of them feels tense because he just rushed in from a meeting. His child is about to be born. He feels nervous, unsettled and a little bit excited. He doesn’t know what to expect, and he feels anxiety and hopes all will go well. The other feels tense because she has an IV pumping fluids into her arm, a heart monitor on her self and up inside her junk attached to the human being living there, and has a constant barrage of nurses, doctors and other people messing around with the most sensitive part of her body in preparation for a human being to come out of her vagina if she’s lucky enough not to need to have it ripped out of her through an incision to her stomach muscles that will leave her unable to move without pain for weeks.

Which one of these two individuals deserves the remote control to the bed/TV?

Scenario 2:

Two people are in a room. One of them has to stand and give somebody moral support. The other has her feet in stirrups and has to deal with the terror that is coursing through her at that thought that her body is about to be racked with unspeakable pain by yet another contraction of her uterus as it is wrenched open to allow her to push a human being out of her vagina.. This pain happens every several minutes, and is so intense it makes her scream in agony, throw up, and weep.

Which one of these people deserves to be lying down in a bed?

Scenario 3:

Two people are in a room. One of them had to hold his wife’s hand for several hours and whisper supportive words. The other one had the most sensitive skin on her body ripped to shreds as a human head and shoulders wormed its way through an orifice normally the size of a quarter, and then had this skin sewn back together with (women, don’t look if you don’t want to be horrified. I’m not joking) this while using a local anesthetic.

Which of these people deserves to look at a menu, point to some food in exhaustion, and have it brought to her without having to pay for it?

Scenario 4: 

Two people are in a room. One of them is bleeding blood clots the size of plums into an adult diaper while she tries to get a 3-hour-old baby to effectively suck liquid out of her nipple so that it doesn’t die. The other is napping lazily on the couch in the room, congratulating himself on a job well done.

Which of these people deserves coddling?

Something to think about…

PS–as Wife was proofreading this post for me (and giving it her hearty stamp of approval as a woman) we had the following short exchange:

Wife: Hey, you have a typo here.

Me: What is it?

Wife: You have two periods after this vagina

Me: (confused) Wait… oh, you mean the typographical period. Gotcha.

And not joking, just this second as she read the Post Script

Wife: You need a colon. And also you need a period after that vagina. (I’ve left period typos so you can see which vaginae (I had no IDEA vaginae wasn’t vaginas–thank you spell check) the periods came from. Bah!)

Oh, and have you entered the contest to win a $25 gift card to The Cheesecake Factory and a vibrator? Because, nothing says “Thanks for reading my blog” like a vibrator…

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Bye now.