Being irreparably legally blind in one eye is awesome. I’m basically a pirate with no patch.

However, there are times when it becomes a little problematic. Like when you want to pour a drink from one of those soda fountains that you just push the button (instead of pressing your cup up against a lever) and have it make it into the cup without getting all over your hand but can’t because you can’t tell even remotely whether the cup is under where the liquid will pour out. Or like when you want to merge onto a freeway without causing a horrific accident in which you smash into a mini-van filled with toddlers and old ladies and then watch the burning bodies of small, helpless children who scream and writhe in agony while you, the sole survivor, attempt too cool the charred, black skin of your upper torso with your tears. You know. Stuff like that.

BUT, I’ve decided that this year, I will accomplish some things that are blindness related, and hopefully nobody will die in the process.

1. I would like to drive through a drive through and order a food item all by myself.

 Me:”Um, yes, I’d like to order a taco. For myself. Because I’m all all by myself right now.”
Cashier: “Sir, you have ordered a taco. Why is your voice quivering with excitement?”

2. I would like to learn to play a sport that involves throwing, catching, or hitting a ball. I would like this sport to not be ping pong. (Have I mentioned that my Grandpa, no kidding, was a competitive ping pong player in his later years? Like, he went to huge playoffs and stuff. If only he had won the world championship, my life would be so much different now…) I would also like to not get hit in the face by whichever ball is chosen during the entire course of a game.

Cue: montage of The Weed getting hit by every type of ball imaginable during junior high P.E.

Cut to: The Weed in the corner of his bedroom rocking back and forth in the fetal position chanting “The ball is my friend, the ball is my friend, I can catch the ball..” and sucking his thumb.

3. I would like to merge onto a freeway. (I have actually done this before without killing children. At 3:00am. With my brights on. While there wasn’t even the hint of another headlight for miles.) I would like to do this during the day. Maybe even in peak traffic, but I’m not making any promises. (That I’ll get brave, nor that death won’t happen if I do get brave.)

4. I would like to see a Magic Eye picture. You know what I’m talking about, right? Those psychedelic looking graphic images that if you look at them in the exact right way and have two functional eyes turn into some amazing picture of a landscape or dinosaur. However, this resolution likely won’t happen as it would require an eye transplant. But maybe if I stare hard enough… (When I was a kid and they’d pass those around, I’d stare at them for hours and hours trying to see the stupid image of a penguin or whatever it was. I really wish somebody had come over and been like “Uh, honey, you’re blind. You’re never going to see the penguin. Here’s a cookie.”)

Here’s another one that sounds like it’s clever, but I sure wouldn’t know.

5. When an object comes up on my blind left side and passes me, it doesn’t matter what it is or how fast it’s going, there is a conditioned response from childhood which sees the blob of movement and says: “BIG SCARY DOG!!!” and then I jump as if I’m a two-year old about to have his face chewed off by a pit-bull. It doesn’t matter what the item in question is. Someone rides their bike past me on the left? My brain says “DOG!” and I scream like a girl in fear and start to run away. A Frisbee breezes by on the left? I hit the deck. A grandma passes me on the left with a walker? my brain says “DOG ATTACK!!” and I find myself ready to kick the crap out of her. To defend myself.

I would like to not react in this way to something approaching me on the left. Once. Once this year.

Welp, I think that pretty well sums up my ambitions for the year. Anyone wanna teach me how to play basketball? (Warning: do not, I repeat DO NOT come up on my left side.)

PS–Um, remember how I said I used to spend hours as a kid trying to see those Magic Eye graphics? Uh, I think I lost at least another hour of my life during the writing of this post because there was part of me that still believed that if I tried hard enough I could see one even though I know it’s physically impossible.

(Photo attributions: here and here)