Well, I’ve tallied up all the votes and it’s now time to reveal the lucky winner of one (1) complimentary $25.00 gift card to The Cheesecake Factory and one (1) complimentary vibrator called The Little Thumper.

Clarification: WIFE tallied up all the votes while I worked on the second part of the Venezuela story which I wasn’t able to finish because I’ve developed a nasty case of ADHD cold. Sorry about that. BUT, to assuage your grief, I do have a surprise at the end of this post. That way, even if you’re a non-winner you still win something.

And that something is the chance to see what my face looks like shrouded in excess fat.

That’s right! we found some pictures of The Weed pre-Venezuela! And they do not disappoint. (To the contrary, I don’t even comprehend how the self-preserving part of my psyche is allowing me to post this on the internet. Maybe it has to do with the fact that it’s 2:21 in the morning?)

I think I’ll only share one tonight. Kind of like an appetizer. You know, something delicious to keep you coming back for more. Because there’s nothing more delicious than an obese man’s neck-rolls. Mmmmm.

Lucky you! 

Anyway. Down to business. So, the winner is:


*more drumroll*

*hopefully enough drumroll that you have to actually scroll down to the see the winner, thus adding to the suspense*









*Is this obnoxious?*

*Let’s face it, if you entered, the very first freaking thing you did when you got here was scroll down to the bottom to see if you were the winner*

*Was it you?*

Only if your name happens to be:

Paul Joseph (who blogs at pauljosephwrites.blogspot.com)!!!

Congrats, man!

Paul Joseph is a writer buddy of mine and a really cool dude–I don’t think the prize could go to a better guy.

So, P.J., drop me an email with your address and I’ll send you the gift card along with your friend and mine, The Little Thumper (unless you decide to reject the latter in which case another randomized drawing will be held.)

And to everyone else, so sorry I couldn’t give the prize out to all of you. No kidding. You all are awesome.

Here was the data on the drawing. Total entries? 230. Number chosen by a random generator? 189. Program used for number generation? randomizer.org. Amount of money Paul Joseph paid me to win this contest? $100. (Coughs loudly) Excuse me. As mentioned, I have a cold.

And now, the other moment you’ve been waiting for.

The Consolation Prize of Consolation Prizes:

The Weed, circa 1999/2000, circa 300lbs–

 There. Are. No. Words.
(Also, that date is wrong.)
Updated: Wife says the date is correct. Jabba the Hut wishes you a happy Y2K!!!!!!!
Good night, everyone.

UPDATE: Paul Joseph says “Since there seem to be a number of disappointed women regarding the Little Thumper, I will be a gentlemen and pass that little guy on to someone else.  I’d love our friend to find a home where he can be cared for appropriately.  Wow, did that just come out of me?  Hmm….” 

Yes, Paul Joseph. Yes it did. And it made me laugh.

So, time for drawing number two. *presses enter on the randomizer* This time the prize goes to #58 who *checks list* is Kimmel Tippets! Congratulations Kimmel!

Both prizes will be sent out post haste. Congrats to both winners, and thanks to all who entered.