Well, Wife and I got new furniture last night.
Ok, so not new furniture. Old furniture that’s new to us. Here’s the story (with all euphemistic family jargon parenthetically defined in terms of reality):
Wife’s “aunt and uncle” (identical twin from another womb and her husband) are getting new furniture. Lolly and I have parents that are both capable of extending “financial aid” (money for, like, food) to us, but have opted not to so that we become “independent” (white trash). Therefore, being “independent” (white trash), we can not afford our *own* new furniture, but are at the whims of “benefactors” (people who want to get rid of their crap) who mercifully wish to bestow their “goods” (crap) upon our “heads” (future garage sales). In our “financially sound” (indigent) circumstances and mind-set, we are very willing to hoard such “furniture” (hud). For that reason, virtually everything we “own” (hoard) is something have “acquired” (extracted from the garbage) in this manner.
Anyway, so when they came, Rob (the Uncle) and I “hefted” (dragged) the “sofa and love-seat” (germ infested mounds of cushioning sequestered in green cloth) into the “house” (crappy apartment). I being “legally blind in my left eye” (a total klutz) have no “depth perception” (common dimensional sense) and therefore scraped the “wall” (whitewashed cardboard) with the bulky “couch” (reclinable cesspool). My “wife” (the most awesome person on earth) was not happy. We then spent the rest of the evening “sitting” (swimming) in the “furniture” (eight years of collected grime) and “talking” (gossiping) and “laughing” (making fun of people we know and love). It was “fun” (fun).
Actually we’re pretty excited because, sadly, it really is an upgrade for us. And I make it sound much worse than it is. They make our apt. look like a real home, as opposed to our other couch which made our apt. look a little like a nursing home and which we are lovingly bestowing upon Lolly’s brother and his wife. This is like an exalted version of passing clothes from sibling to sibling. It’s pretty funny.
All right, I’ve gotta “write” (spew forth) a “fun” (Hellish) “essay” (diarrhea of verbiage) now. Have a great day!