Celebrity Crush

Most marriages seem to have an unwritten rule where a partner can have an open, slightly comical celebrity crush on some random stranger who appears occasionally in the media. And when I say “most marriages,” I mean “my marriage.” And when I say “a partner” what I mean is “my wife.”

That’s right. Wife has a powerful celebrity crush. She’s had it for many years..

Needless to say…

Did you get that? You should have. I didn’t even need to say it. It was needless to say.

(FYI, what is up with that phrase???  “Needless to say” = accuracy FAIL.)

Okay, the thing that was needless to say, but that was actually needful to say because, as it turns out, you can’t read minds, is I am maybe just a little bit insecure and I have a slight issue with Wife’s celebrity crush.

One might assume that this was because her celebrity crush was some stallion-like super-hero of attractiveness that makes me insecure because of his sheer awesomeness..

This would be inaccurate.

Wanna know why her celebrity crush unsettles me a little and makes me wonder just a smidge about who I am as a person, a man, and a member of an ethnic group?

Here. Take a gander:

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA - OCTOBER 02: Lionel Richie performs during the Collingwood Magpies AFL Grand Final celebrations at AAMI Park on October 2, 2010 in Melbourne, Australia. (Photo by Scott Barbour/Getty Images)
 
                                                   Lionel Richie

This turtle-neck-wearing, crooning freak has stolen my wife’s heart, and I don’t know how to get it back, nor what to do with my self-respect knowing that I’m competing with a 60-year-old black man who looks like a mix between Geordi on Startreck and Julia Roberts.

Knowing this is the kind of man the most carnal parts of my spouse desires compels me to do a mental check-list comparing our features and attributes which always propels me into a spiral of depression and self-loathing.

Here’s an example of how the thought process might go:

Lionel is an amazing singer with a fantastic career and many awards to his name.
The Weed has sung some songs in church. He once asked Wife if he should try out for American Idol. Wife pursed her lips, shook her head and said “Sweetie, I’m not sure that’s for you…”

Lionel: 1
The Weed: 0

Lionel is freaking rich.
The Weed can barely pay for the breath of air he is currently breathing, and would be hard-pressed to purchase a bus pass and not have to put it on a credit card.

Lionel: 2
The Weed: 0

Lionel’s daughter, Nicole, has been on TV for many years and used to be bff’s with the likes of Paris Hilton.
The Weed’s daughter only started watching TV two years ago and doesn’t have a single friend who is named after a city.

Lionel: 3
The Weed: 0

The next one is the final nail in the coffin:

Lionel is black. Wife loves black men and bites her lip visibly whenever a black man sings on any TV show. I’m pretty sure that secretly she wishes I were black. Or at least part black.
The Weed is white like snow, and has no swagger, style, or cool-factor

Lionel: 1,000
The Weed: 0

Eventually I realize that I am making a comparison pro and con list about LIONEL RICHIE a guy whose prime was when I was six and who now resembles a human unicorn and who wears more scarves than any woman I know, and my self-confidence implodes, leaving my manhood and sense of self in a shambles.

And that’s before I take into account the fact that I am losing badly.

Needless to say…

(Seriously, people. Did you not get that one?  COME ON! Why isn’t this trick WORKING?)

Okay, this time instead of saying it in English, I’ll express it in math. Because I’m so good at math.

AND IN WIFE’S EYES

THEREFORE
Isn’t math awesome???
In conclusion, I wanted to point out that when I showed wife this post, she laughed and then said: “I feel like if you put up the song ‘Do It To Me,’ everyone will totally get where I’m coming from.  Mmmmm. So sultry!” (And yes, she was biting her lip as she said ‘mmmm’.)
I think we should test this hypothesis:
The saxophone alone makes wife swoon. And me wish I’d played sax instead of violin.
So, do you totally get it now?
I know I don’t.
 

45 Comments

  1. Awww…poor Weed 🙁 Although I bet your own daughter would probably win a point over Lionel's daughter…just saying.

    My celebrity crush is Rob Dyrdek. I don't know why my husband seems to have a problem with that!

    And I'm listening to the song while typing this comment and I'm not swooning yet…but I like pasty white men, ha ha.

  2. I definitely wouldn't have thought Wife was into Lionel Richie–but, hey, that's what celebrity crushes are for, right? (Although now I feel like I'm missing out because I DON'T have a celebrity crush. I did once. David Duchovny. But, no longer.) Oh–and your oldest daughter DOES have a friend named after a city. London, in fact. (Thank you Primary.) So, you've got at least one more point in your favor!

  3. @Christine–I'm a little troubled by your lack of swooning. Thanks for testing the hypothesis.

    @Heather–That's awesome! I don't know if I'd have the mental stamina and self-esteem to see Lionel hug Wife. Might be a little much for me. I'd probably have to punch him in the jaw. Or go hide and cry in the bathroom. Or both. But I'm glad you got to hug Bobby!

    @Amanda–Wait, what happened to your crush on David Duchovny? Are you an AGIST???

  4. Laurel, I'm sorry your crush turned into a unicorn. Neil Diamond had it when I was six and he still has it now.

    From your blog listener, Wendel:

    This is all fine and good but who is your celebrity crush? If it's Julia Roberts, you guys are in serious trouble slash need some therapy of some kind.

    You aren’t black and you don’t tan so there’s not much you can do there; you’ve got to let your whiteness work for you somehow. Furthermore, take heart that all the cash he has to burn is derived from elevator music franchises. Is that the legacy you want to leave behind? Sultry sax = awkward elevator ride…

    Play to your strengths. Laurel might bite her lip if you try on a scarf once in a while. Just a thought. Also, if you added Botox to your lips, you could possibly approximate the size of his. Anna not having a friend such as Paris Hilton is certainly not a liability in my book; on the contrary, it is in your favor. I'm sure that when Nicole and Paris hit the town, Lionel calls his law enforcement friends and entreats them to cut his adopted prima donna a break.

    To completely express, in math, the formula which could set you free, I'll draw on the concepts of limits:

    lim (botox in lips -> bananas) Josh + white mojo + scarf – Julia Roberts – Eiffel Tower – Elevator Music Franchise = Lip Biting

    This (roughly) approximates:

    Josh + white mojo + scarf + big Botox lips – Julia Roberts – Eiffel Tower – Elevator Music Franchise = Laurel Lip Biting

    I'm just saying.

  5. Aw Josh, I feel for you. (*purses lips*) Weeee-ll, I would if I wasn't laughing so hard!!! Still can't get over your wife's comment: "Sweetie, I'm not sure that's for you" (*chortles*).

    I wouldn't be too insecure – my husband and I have agreed on 3 or 4 people we've each got a leave-pass on. So you should just go develop your own celebrity crush (*tee hee*).

    Rach

  6. Geordi+Julia Roberts? I had to scroll back up to check the validity of that, and to my surprise, you are completely right.

    How does that happen?

    Do you think they had an affair?

  7. My boyfriend and I have an understanding… I go all ga-ga over Damon from Vampire Diaries and he only came to watch Harry Potter with me because he thinks Hermione is hot.

    ANYWAY…. I LOVE your maths!

  8. @Chrissy–I'm not sure what to make of swooners and non-swooners. I think the fact that you're not swooning makes me… yep, more insecure.

    @Ashley and Wendel–you guys win for the comment that has made me laugh more than any comment ever. Also, your comment was a post in and of itself, which is something I have a special affinity for.

    @Catherine–Thanks! I'm pretty sure Will Smith > 98% of the planet for his work on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air alone.

    @Rachael–Very true! I should develop one on somebody really awkward. Like maybe Barbara Walters. Or Bristol Palin.

    @Kangaroobee–Warning TMI is about to happen: I like to put in on on date night for reasons I'm too ashamed to even write down.

    @Madeleine–My hope is that she has a space AND a place in her heart for me. And that Lionel gets a casket. Yes. A casket in her heart.

    @Deidre–IT IS THE ONLY EXPLANATION.

    @Dan–See, Halle Berry I get. (Hear that Wife?? Huh?? Who's insecure now?)

    @Erica–I agree. I really do think it's healthy for couples to talk about crushes. It's a very human thing. And basketball players? Sure. At least they were probably born in the last four decades.

    @Rachel–Hmmm. Hermione? Interesting notion. Wonder what the insecurity-inducing factor on that is. School girl + wizardry = pretty attractive. Yeah, definitely waaaay too understandable a crush to be the equivalent to Lionel. You guys are officially normal in my book.

  9. Omfg, you're hilarious! lol if it makes you feel better, my boyfriend, Justin, is in the same boat as you. Justin is black (I'm white, but always dated hispanic or black guys for some reason.) However, my celebrity crush? Robert Pattinson, aka Edawrd Cullen, the PALEST character in cinematic history. Go figure.

  10. the weed:20 pts
    lionel richie: -10

    the weed totally gets more brownie points because,1. you are WAYYYYY better looking and ALOOOOOOTTTTT younger thsn him! you look 20 and he looks 50 like he should be singing in a nursing home!!!!
    TEAM WEED!!!!!!!

  11. and 2 lionel dosen't have a cool name like you do…. think about it lion-el, he saounds like a spanish lion! not take Josh Weed, josh is a really cool name because you have the same name as a very famous singer; Josh Groban. now take Weed, your name is a drug!!! people LITTERALLY can't get enough of you!!! lol TEAM WEED!

  12. We all know what those carnal thoughts are. Even the Mormon girls ate counting inches when they "mmmm".

  13. It's all in expression. I find that girls tend to swoon over the man with the accent from somewhere mysterious, can play them music or sing to them, that are tall – dark – handsome. It's the classic "what a girl is suppose to like" kinda deal that has almost imprinted genetically on women. We think we have to be pretty and find a good husband to take care of us. We have to impress to compete for the best suitor. I think that no matter what – her love for you is winner over Lionel every day. Even if she bites her lip while watching the TV, who is she going to lay down with at night? I think that speaks volumes. And with someone as funny and witty as a blogger like you – trust me… you go this. O_o

  14. Tears rolling down my face, stomach hurting, laughing out loud kind of hilarity. Thank you. Also just for the record, I have no idea what she sees in Lionel Richie. The song didn't do it for me either.

  15. I laughed so hard I started crying. Literally. You are awesome — your writing is hilarious. And I don't believe you really feel insecure about your wife's celebrity crush — you sound pretty confident in yourself as a husband. (I mean that as a compliment.)

  16. Great post! Although, I don't understand the attraction to Lionel Ritchie. . .and I tried listening to the song you posted but fell asleep halfway through the first verse. My celebrity crush is Adam Levine.

  17. Awesome post, Josh! You should give yourself extra points for your sense of humor!

    (And tell your wife I have a better celebrity crush — his name is Aaron Rodgers. 😉

  18. Hm, but the big question is who is your celeb crush, and does your wife feel insecure that she is nothing like him?

  19. Dude, Lionel is SO cheesy! Fear not. Be confident because your wife loves you in a real way. Her infatuation with Lionel is merely fantasy. Reality wins over fantasy every time!

  20. Your wife has to put up with a man who is homosexual. The least you can do is let her enjoy a celebrity crush with a straight man.

  21. Sorry, "put up with" wasn't the best way to phrase it. But really, let your wife enjoy her crushes so she can feel attractive as a woman and not just a human once in a while.

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