Goal: finish this post in 20 minutes. Go!
(Update: I failed.)
In my last post, AJ asked a very interesting question. It was this:
You’ve probably thought of this, but do you think your directional ineptitude might be related to your ADHD? Have you noticed any improvement since being on Ritalin?
Here’s the deal. In all honestly, yes. I think the two are related.
But do you want to see a neat trick?
“Why are you late for this staff meeting?” Oh, it’s because my left eye is blind and I couldn’t take the freeway because I don’t do freeways because I don’t have depth perception and merging feels a little bit like playing chicken in a golf cart so it took extra time. Sorry!
“Why did you miss your appointment for a filling at 3:00?” Oh, I had a really bad migraine behind my blind eye so I completely blanked my dentist appt. Sorry!
“Why are you such a huge liar who makes up lame excuses for everything and can’t take ownership of his failures?” Oh, that’s because I was repeatedly traumatized as an infant when my father pinned me down and put an adult-sized lens into my baby-sized eye over and over, and now I have the compulsive need to cover up my inadequacies with half-truths that cast me in a good light, or at least as a victim. Sorry!
“Why did you murder that goat then eat its uncooked entrails?” Oh, that’s because my name actually is Psycho-Killer Dahmer Bin Laden and I enjoy killing things brutally and then eating them, and this stems from a birth defect which should be obvious as you look at my blind left eye. Also, you’re next. Sorry!
Any of these situations can be just as easily handled by saying “I have ADHD. Sorry!” In some instances, this excuse carries far more weight, in fact. Especially that last one.
See how easy that is? Gotta admit, it’s really handy to have such awesomely legitimate built-in excuses.
And that’s not even to mention the brain cyst, which if played correctly can not only excuse behavior, but can also elicit sympathy verging on shedding tears.
“Why did you forget my birthday?” Oh, I did? I’m so sorry. I’ve been kind of preoccupied… I actually recently found out I have a cyst in my brain and I haven’t been able to focus on much else lately.
“Dude, why are you going into the women’s bathroom. The men’s is on the other side of the hall.” I’m… I meant to… I have brain damage, okay?!! Leave me the hell alone!!!
“You just swore!!!!” I know. It’s been a hard day. I have ADHD, a migraine behind my blind eye, and my brain lesion is acting up. I just need to go to bed.
In conclusion, I think it would be wise for everybody to be like me.
So, how could you lose an eye, your attention span, AND develop a brain lesion? I think crystal meth should do the trick! (AND, you’d probably even develop psoriasis!)