I can’t get “it” to happen.
Not sure why.
Time is like a slippery eel, evading my every grasp, and it passes and passes and I can’t seem to get done what I need to get done.
I really need to get out the door. But I’m stunted–action paralysis.
I think things will feel better once I’m on the bus on my way to campus–I’ll read, and center myself, and feel okay.
But getting out the door? Let’s hope that several hours don’t slip past me while I try to do that.
I can do this. All I have to do is go. Take one step at a time. Run, shower, drive to the park & ride. Do not get distracted. Go from one thing to the next to the next.
Snapshot into some subconscious part of my brain: “You’re lying to yourself. You’re just being lazy. If you chose to focus your attention, you could. It’s all a matter of choice. You’re living a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’re talking about this right now as an excuse. This entire blog is a big, huge lie–an excuse to justify your laziness and wretched bad habits. You just want to not have to work. You hate work. You’re the laziest person on earth. It’s all a work-avoidance technique. If you weren’t so lazy, you wouldn’t have these problems. All you need to do is develop a work-ethic. Stop avoiding work. If you just made wiser choices, you would be able to get everything done. Everyone can do this. You’re lying to yourself if you think you can’t. You’re acting like a five-year-old who needs his Mommy to push him. Get over yourself. Get a clue.”
Somehow, I need the voices like that in my brain to shut up. Surely they stem from childhood, and all the messages I so often received.
I need to be nice to myself.
And I need to start this day by taking the first step.
I guess I’ll go run now.